Being topless

As a woman, my chest stays covered up in a way that men do not need to adhere to.
Just the other day I walked past a group of men pouring concrete. One of them took off their top in order to deal with the heat of hard work and sunshine.
Now, I couldn't do that. If I were on a beach, or maybe in a park, and I was wearing a bikini top, then perhaps I could.
But my bra? Nah, forget it. It's indecent.

Friday night I walked down the corridor in my boyfriend's flat to the kitchen in joggers and my bra. We didn't encounter any of his flatmates and as far as I know no one saw me. Then on Saturday his landlady asked me not to do it again. Because there are "single men" in the flat and it's "not nice".
I'm aware I don't live there. I don't pay rent for that room or contribute at all so I am happy to abide by the rules laid down by the landlady; I'm not about to try and cause problems for my bf.

But why is my chest, covered by a bra, a problem when my boyfriend's chest, completely uncovered, is not??

Because my chest is sexualised.

Boobs are sexy. Breasts are erotic. Tits are titillating.

This is a double standard that has existed for, well, since we learned to make clothes and start policing women's bodies. There's an organisation, GoTopless, that campaigns for equal bare-chested rights. And why shouldn't we? We are caught in a catch 22 of women being seen simply as child-bearers and our breasts are milky-life-giving-machines, and being objectified and sexualised and our breasts are something to grab and lick and maybe even make a mess on.


I present to you the difference in attire, for your own perusal. 

Please see Exhibit A: The bra I was wearing Friday night.

Exhibit B: My bikini.

This is the bikini top I own. Perhaps it's a bit demure. I mean, it definitely is compared with this:

Or this:

What is it about sand & sea (or pebbles and desperation on the UK coast) that allows boobs out and about with some barely structured fabric over them? 

These days, there is an added layer of policing for women's bodies: the internet. Social media giants Facebook have been learning the hard way that nipples are not sexy, that they do not need to be covered up.

Exhibit C: Breastfeeding.
Exhibit D: Napalm Girl.

So if Facebook, more and more dominant in our lives and technology beyond status updates and selfies, is telling us that nipples are naughty, what hope do we have that individual humans might think differently?

Perhaps if I lived in the block of flats with my boyfriend, if I paid rent, had rights, the landlady would not have asked me to curtail my body's freedom in the same way? To me, it's irrelevant.

Tits are tits, and whether you have them or not, you should just get used to them. 

Passing

*This blog was written on 17th June 2016, when I found out I had passed my second module of my qualification. I've now passed my third, so I've completed the course. With that and my ongoing illness, I felt like now was the time to post this*

Moments after I emailed someone to say I was expecting the mark this month, it arrived. 12-24 hours earlier than I was anticipating.

I passed.

My eyes were drawn instantly to the percentage. I had high hopes; I'd scored 98% in my exam.

At that moment my brain challenged that established fact, making me wonder if that was a mistake.

I had high hopes despite the deep seated knowledge that it was by no means my best piece of work. I'd tried, I'd really tried. But the whole four months working on this assignment I went through disordered eating, depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts.

I hated that assignment but not as much as I hated myself and my life. I persevered with both.

I could have deferred. Perhaps I should have.

But you can't defer life and this pass mark feels symbolic. Of course I'm going to be disappointed because that's my nature; I am never good enough. But actually this time the disappointment is buffered by relief, and the relief is winning out. Because I did the very best I could do. I know I did. I can see that the fact that I am still here and that I passed this module despite everything, that I am doing the best I can do and I am enough. Just enough.

So I'm going to continue trying my best in everything I do. That's all I can expect from others and myself.