Negotiating

I haven't given up my search for illumination!
I have just been busy working full time since May. Also I got a boyfriend, and he takes up a lot of time haha.

I plan to write soon about my enlightenment in terms of feminism and identity. But in the mean time, I have been writing about experimenting with cosmetics (or lack of them) over here.

And I found this today.

"The only shame is to have none"

~ Blaise Pascal


I experienced three types of shame at the weekend, and all very different.

The first two came really within moments of each other. I felt the shame of not fitting in with my old Uni friends. Not drinking as much, anywhere near as much, as they were. It made me feel stupid, that I couldn't or didn't want to drink like they could and did.
And then within moments I actually felt shame from being with them. But not specifically them, but with people who were plastered. In the club, the dingy and not-that-great-even-though-it's-had-another-refurb club, I saw one guy (who my friends knew) get kicked out (most likely for doing drugs). He was propelled forward out the side door by 3 or 4 bouncers, and then a minute later another one followed with the shoe he'd left behind.
And not even 5 minutes before I had stepped out of the loo to find a young girl sitting on a step having been sick all over the carpet in front of the toilets. She hadn't quite made it, and she looked awful, barely keeping herself up. And the lad that was with her didn't look like he really wanted to be there anymore.

My friend just told me how in Revolutions in Sutton they were offering free Jagerbombs for people who took off their underwear. (35 pairs were received. They applied the same offer to anyone who could bring a condom to the bar. Zero.)

So the two types of shame I felt on Saturday night has become a general shame for the youth of today. For the "wasters" who think it's okay to drink for 5 hours straight, shot after shot, strawpedo'd alcopops.
Why is this ok? Why do they not understand they are messing with their bodies, and indeed their lives? Do they know and just not care? Is life really that bad that you need to get blotto every weekend to forget it? Because life will certainly be much worse the next morning when they have a bad head and are £50 poorer.
Even though I have friends who are like this, and I love them dearly despite their abuse of the substance, it makes me despair of my generation, and the ones coming up behind us.

The other shame I felt at the weekend, came on Sunday, on the tube home. I had just managed to get a seat. I had my music in, and my book out.
And a homeless man came on the tube begging. He had a crutch too. I just heard through my music something about 'getting enough money together before London Bridge for the shelter', he was 'sorry to ask' and did we have 'any spare change or food'. And then he said 'if not, I hope you all have a safe journey' and then stood there. And of course it was the longest ride between Angel and Old Street or wherever, and then he got off the carriage and into the next one.
When he got on and started talking, the bloke next to me shifted awkwardly in his seat. That's how I realised he was in the carriage. But I only glanced at him, and then I stared at my book. I surreptitiously glanced at other people in the carriage, but no one else was looking at him. They were looking down, or out into space, anywhere but at him. I didn't see anybody get out any change. Or food. I had no food on me, but I had change. It would have only taken a minute to get it out and give him some. But I didn't. I felt ashamed of myself. The whole time he was in the carriage, and afterwards, I felt ashamed of myself still. And the carriage shared in that. There was communal shame, we were all ashamed that we weren't giving him any change or food. And in a way I think we were ashamed that our country has people who need to beg.
If we knew we would feel like that, why didn't we give him something?

Because we knew it would go away.

And it has gone away. I still do feel ashamed but nowhere near as much as when I was faced with that situation. I do sometimes give to homeless people, and buskers. But cynicism has made me do it less frequently. I walked home from York station one time and chucked some silver into a homeless man (everyone knows him, he has glasses and sort of looks like Professor Burp from Chessington World of Adventures), and a middle-aged gentleman next to me said "He'll probably earn more than you will in a day, he's got a good spot there."
Will the penny, or the 5pence, or even the pound I drop into his hat or on his blanket really go to drugs? Or alcohol? Or cigarettes? Or will they spend it on a cup of coffee to keep them warm. Or a sandwich?
Maybe this is something I need to investigate further.

Routine Structure

I can't stand when people talk in the cinema. And that certainly makes me a hypocrite, I know, since I do it. But I don't have full-on conversations. I also whisper. And most times, I turn my phone off. At the very, very least, I put it on vibrate, and usually, I turn it on silent completely so not even a vibrate can interfere.
I saw Black Swan this evening, and it was the one film I have seen recently that I least expected to have annoying people in the cinema. My friend and fellow cinema-goer commented on this as soon as the film finished. I suppose it's our narrow-minds, but why would a bunch of ill-educated chavs wants to see Black Swan? Well, I don't know they're ill-educated. But they were late for the film, they talked like they were black when they were white, and laughed at the masturbation scenes. Maybe ill-educated, definitely immature.

*Rant over *

Lately I have been pondering a great deal on structure and routine. A friend of mine I went to lunch with said that she had had a lot of days off work, and this sudden change in/lack of routine was probably why she felt a bit miserable. I can understand this. I don't like not being busy, for a start, which is why my To Do lists are endless, and I don't particularly like not having a routine. I have learned to be quite flexible in changes to said routine. But I don't like when I don't have one at all.
This need for structure permeates my working and personal life. I like knowing when I'm working, I like knowing what needs to be done. It's the same in my personal life. I like having things planned in advance, I'm not hugely spontaneous, but on Saturday I surprised myself by just grabbing some DVDs and driving over to a friend's house even though I'd already been up to London that day, and he'd invited me round only 2 hours before (I had to get home from London first!).
The need for structure is why I have things written in my filofax, my work diary, on my wall planner, and sometimes even in my phone. It's the reason I have made 10 New Year's Resolutions, and January goals too.

So far I am doing okay with my resolutions & goals. I have achieved all but one of my January goals, but this weekend, as my last opportunity, will be the time I do it. I've started working towards some resolutions, and not others. I'm feeling positive about all of them though.

I don't tend to get things done if I don't have goals and structure. Sure I'd still do things, but they'd be just that, things. I'd watch films, play games, maybe read. I'd probably eat more. I like to be so busy I don't have time to eat much (that's not a very healthy attitude I'm aware but I always do eat, I get hungry quite easily). I just wouldn't do things that helped me, that helped me develop or grow. I wouldn't get things done that would get me anywhere.

And I want to go somewhere.

A Very Merry Christmas

I don't very much like Christmas. I saw an article on the BBC today titled 'A Genius Scam', all about The X Factor. Personally, I think the same phrase can be used for Christmas.
When it comes to Christmas, I am very much a Scrooge figure. Bah Humbug to decorating everywhere, and to the constant playing of Christmas songs. Bah Humbug to buying useless tat for people (although I am myself guilty of that this year, but what else are we meant to buy for my father, a man who has no interests and hobbies, and who has all the hankies and socks he needs?!) Although I have felt myself feeling slightly more Christmassy than I usually do, the feelings are fleeting and I see sense. I am spending Christmas in Dorset this year, a change of scene might do us all good.

I actually prefer New Year to Christmas, although nowhere near as much as I used to, because now it is the anniversary of my grandfather's death. But what I like about New Year's is the tradition of reinventing yourself. As if people didn't do it all year round, but New Year's gives you an actual time to make changes about yourself, and become a new person.
According to this website, the Top 10 resolutions include losing weight and getting more exercise, quit smoking or drinking, and learning something new. As Wikipedia confirms, resolutions tend to be advantageous. We want to be better people. I'm sure even saints could make resolutions, except it probably wouldn't be to 'help others', more likely 'have some "me" time'!

I have already made myself some resolutions, and in addition to this, made goals for January and February. According to the Wikipedia article on New Year's resolutions, women succeed 10% more when they make their goals public and get support from friends.
This year, I managed to complete 4 of my 6 resolutions (although one thing I have already failed at again because I learned it, and then I forgot it)

I have so far got 9 resolutions sorted, some easier than others. And I'm going to share them with you now:

1. Get work experience
2. Lose 6lbs - get to 8st
3. Watch 360 films out of 1001
4. Finish bedroom
5. Read list of books
6. Learn to play ukelele
7. Get bonus in April
8. Learn to use Adobe Illustrator
9. Pay off £600 of student loan

It used to be that one of my resolutions would be something like 'Sort out self-esteem' or 'Gain confidence' but they were so vague I didn't really know where to start. So I never started. And eventually, I stopped making that a resolution.
3, 4 and 9 are probably the easiest. But I include them because you still need to achieve some things to keep you on track for the rest of them. I am currently at 320 out of 1001, so I should get to 360 easily. 4 sounds silly, but so much remains unfinished in my house. and 9 could be easy because I could just take £600 out of my savings, but instead I am going to set up a direct debit.

Other are not so easy. I'm not very musical, nor do I stick to things well, so 6 and 2 will be hard. 5 also will, because I don't really make time to read anymore. But I will endeavour to start this month and get a head start. It's only a list of 6 books (I have more unread on my bookcase, but I can add them when I run out).
7 is an unknown quantity since I could really work hard and deserve a bonus as promised in my contract, but budget restraints may leave it out of my reach. If the time comes and I don't get it, I will assess how hard I worked, and decide whether I would have deserved it had it been available.

1 is also, in a way, an unknown quantity. I could apply for tons of work experience, and not get any. If the end of the year comes, and I have no additional experience except that of working on corporate videos for the company I set up with another friend, I will still sort of see that as a failure. It's a bit like saying 'I'll get a job'. You could apply everywhere and get nowhere. We'll see.

Anyway, having thought about it weeks ago, but this being my last blog before the year is out (I have a pretty hectic two weeks coming up), I have decided to evaluate my year using the systems in place at the school I work at.


2010

WWW - what went well

• Finished university - with a 1st
• Got a job
• went on a cruise
• went to New York for the first time
  
• stayed in touch with friends from home & uni - even rekindled a friendship
  

EBI - even better if

• succeeded in all my resolutions
• had a better time at uni
• won an award for Where the Waves Break
• made more contacts
• got more work experience
• saved more money (I succeeded in saving £1000+, which was one of my resolutions, but then I started spending it) so really it should be not spent so much money
• gained more confidence
  

What do you reckon your WWW and EBI's would be?

The weather outside is frightful (or: it's being smart that counts)

Why do we get so excited about snow? the BBC asks. I don't why, you tell me Beeb. Because I sure as hell don't get excited about snow. Not one iota. Knowing snow is coming, or waking up to find snow covering my garden makes my heart sink.
I don't know whether this is a symptom of getting old, I can't remember enjoying snow when I was younger. As my mum has pointed out, I've had more snow in my lifetime than she ever did by my age. I pointed out to her this was probably due to the global warming her generation and the generations before her had caused. But for as long as I can remember, I have not liked snow, for the reasons listed below.

1. Snow is hugely inconvenient. For transport, public and private. For businesses. For schools. For people in general. You can't get anywhere, and if you do succeed in finally getting there, you can't get back.
2. It's white. I hate the colour white. Whilst not a universal disadvantage of snow (for example some people might like the colour white), it certainly gets irritating after a while.
3. The end result of snow. Slush, or even ice, tend to be what comes next once the pretty little snowflakes have fallen and covered our houses, cars, roads and pavements. If you're lucky, it becomes slush. Dirty, mucky, slushy slush. At least this only soaks your shoes through faster than the snow did. Slush most often occurs on roads or where grit/salt has been used. But the compacted snow more often becomes ice where people tread repeatedly on it. This makes for more dangerous walking than the thick snow that lay there before, and I'm sure most people find themselves with aching feet from the way you walk on ice.
4. It is cold and wet. This comes into play when you get it in your face or down your clothes, whether because it's drifting down from the heavens, being blown around by wind, or if you have been the target on a snowball.
5. Snow costs money. Much like the inconvenience, businesses will do less trade, people are unable to work, and the cost of getting the area/country back on it's feet is pretty big. Compensation for disrupted travel, most likely flights from closed airports rather than disrupted public transport, will need to be negotiated.
   

Basically, snow is useless. I personally do not think it is even that pretty. There's nothing majorly magical about a blanket of snow, and I don't understand why people like it. With the exception of kids, because they obviously know no better.

***

I recently saw a bus advert for the LG Optimus phone that claimed "It's being smart that counts."
This obviously refers to the fact that if you don't own some sort of smartphone these days, you clearly live in a cave or under a rock. My contract is up in a matter of weeks on my G1 and though I both love & hate my phone, I don't know if I can find an acceptable replacement. I was hoping to go for the HTC Desire Z, but since it's so new I don't think I will get my regular £30 800 minutes-Unlimited Texts-Unlimited Internet contract on such a phone. But now I have had my G1, I have higher expectations of phones. In fact, I get frustrated that my phone cannot do things. I now want a phone with the following abilities:
- Email
- Threaded texts
- Open documents i.e word doc, jpgs, pdf
- in addition to this, I want to be able to EDIT these documents and then send them on
- Navigation & Maps
- Social networking feeds
- Integral calendar that is easy to use
- a QWERTY keyboard
- and probably many more I can't think of right now.
I basically want a laptop in a phone. Which is probably why I want an iPad, for the first time since they were launched, as I have sort of been seduced by the idea of their capabilities. I'll let you know after Friday whether I buy one using a friend's bulk discount.

The other thing that came to mind when I saw the aforementioned LG advert was that it is not being smart that counts. If it was being smart that counts, then I would have had an easier time at school, and so would a lot of kids still in education being ridiculed for their higher intelligence by those with lower intelligence. Telling them that it's "being smart that counts" probably isn't much consolation.


Last but not least, the photo here shows how sentimental I am: this is a collection of scrapbooks and memory boxes I have, and two large photo albums started by other people but finished by me of my childhood and adolescence.
This now all resides in the loft. Teehee.

Blogging & Bagging

I haven't advertised this blog. On my old blog, I used to post links to it. Which wasn't a wise thing to do. It was mostly out of seeking attention and wanting people to listen to my opinions.
But for a while I have felt blogging is a shameful thing. Which is why I started this blog in secret. I don't know if anyone has happened across it, it's unlikely, and there are no comments as evidence and I have no followers. Which gives the impression that although I have told someone I write a blog, they, and no one else, have seen it.

What is the point of blogging? We live in a culture where words are vomit and disrespectful. I don't remember time before the internet, and time before blogs, Faceparty, VampireFreaks, MySpace, Facebook and Twitter. I have belonged to those websites in that chronological order. The reason I was on Faceparty, VF & MySpace was to connect with my friends and keep in touch for free because that was when I was on pay as you go. I joined Facebook shortly after my 18th because a friend of mine told me it was the easiest way to share photos (MySpace had a limit of photos in album (less than 60 like FB) and they were excruciating to upload and you could not tag friends either.) and Twitter I joined because...people kept mentioning it on the news and I sort of wanted to get in on the act.

The internet has become an arena for all those people who want to be famous, as well as for those who want to use it to connect and improve the lives of others. This blog probably won't improve the life of anybody, nor do I use it to connect, and I'm not using it to get famous or simply get attention. I use this blog because actually I find it easier to type than write properly in my diary. Plus I find the mental block of reserving my diary for personal feelings (I mean, really personal things) and using a blog to express opinion. My old blog had crossover entries where I ranted and vented, and I've learned from that. It's out of order to be rude about people on the internet. Mark Zuckerberg knows that too, if the narrative and screenplay of The Social Network are accurate.

Can you remember a time before Spotify? Before Facebook? Even before email? I still have a penpal, but we met on the internet. We write handwritten letters (which frustrates me because when I receive a reply I can hardly remember what I wrote in the first place), and instead of hearing or seeing that "You've Got Mail", I receive tangible, physical mail. And it isn't junk or a LoveFilm.

We live in an era of attention seeking, the internet is not the only arena for it. Reality TV for both celebrities and 'ordinary' people are simply ways to seek attention. It probably saves marketing budget for the celebrity, because shortly before their new single is released or their acting career is revived, they have some free advertising in the form of a reality TV show. I imagine before the internet it was harder to get a publishing deal, but now books are commissioned from people's blogs and Twitter feeds. People can get famous simply from their YouTube videos (the guy who cried about Britney Spears, the girl that dances and looks like an anime character?) and others are now celebrities because they blogged - Perez Hilton being one very obvious example.

This is more of a ramble than anything now, I have no conclusion at which to arrive except for that statement of the obvious that the event of the internet has changed how people connect, and write, and what they write about. Some blogs are specifically created for parts of people's lives (their weight-loss diary, a cooking lover's recipes), and others are seemingly pointless (like this one!) Will there ever be a time again where the internet doesn't saturate our lives? This woman is experimenting to see what life is like using just the internet to connect with people. This is the website.


The other reason for this blog was to talk about the activity/job of "charity bagging". I discussed with my friend whether "bagging" is a verb, and technically it is, but I'm not sure it is in the context of "charity bagging". Mostly it is a list of what I do and don't like about charity bagging.

• The worst thing about charity bagging is people. I hate asking people if they are in their gardens or at their door if they want a charity bag. It's about 50/50 of their responses yes or no as well. Some people say yes because they want them, some say yes because they don't really know what they're accepting. I've had a few "yes thanks"'s as well. But people who say no are the worst bit about this worst bit. Some of them know immediately and are prompt with their refusal, some even tell you before you get up their drive. But some just don't understand, or um & ah until they say no. Really very annoying.
  
• Also quite annoying are how people block off a path that could save you time between their house and their neighbour's, for example with a wheelie bin, a bush or a flower bed that you don't dare tread on. They could make my life, and the lives of people who deliver mail, free papers or even leaflets so much easier. Instead they consciously choose to make it harder.
• Long, long drives are actually the second worst bit. Just simply because they are long. Even worse is when you get to the door and the letterbox is irritating (I'll get to those shortly) or they have a sign that says 'No charity bags'.
  
• While we're on signs, I don't count charity bags as junk mail. They don't contain junk until you put it in there for the charity.
  
• LETTERBOXES. Why aren't they uniform? I remember this from doing paper rounds, and that was a lot harder to deal with. Why do people have really small letterboxes? Why do they have that don't match up with the door so when you push things through they come up against a small ridge? Similarly, why the bristles, when they make getting mail into your house so much harder? Also, letterboxes with knockers over them, I really don't get that at all. And mostly you find them in Purley & Sanderstead.
• And lastly (that I think is most important) are cul-de-sacs. These are both good and bad. Good because a fair amount of houses in one area so you can offload a good amount of bags and lighten your load in a short period of time. Except in the cul-de-sacs with about 4 houses. Bad because you are in that area for a period of time and there is no escaping. If these people were a community of psychos then you're done for, really. And they all watch you, if they're in or up that is, and that feels horrible as well. In roads I don't tend to feel that.

Also, as promised, a photo of my car after the crash. There was more damage underneath where you can't see. The radiator got shunted a bit too. Still waiting for the verdict from the insurers & bodywork mechanics.




Watched Traitor earlier - it was okay. And currently listening to the new Good Charlotte album, Cardiology on Spotify. It's okay so far. I used to be a big fan. Well, I had all their albums and I saw them live. I quite liked them, obviously.

Everlong

Good evening.

Last night I had a car crash. 'Crash' is most certainly the correct word to use, even though in a way it was also an 'accident', because clearly I wasn't intending to go straight into the trees on the corner of the road and damage the car.
Without knowing the damage done to the inside of the car, I can't tell you whether the car is a write-off. I don't think it is because the airbag didn't deploy. Although I'm sure I went straight into the trees at about 40mph. I had already missed a left turning and I was rushing to get home as I was meant to be going to see Mary & Max. The TomTom told me the next left would be a "sharp" one, but on a dark A road I wasn't familiar with the sharp left came up quite suddenly. And, pretty desperate to get home, I tried to make it. I really, really didn't. The corner was on Pilch Lane in Milton Keynes. I had been in MK to meet Rheya, who I am starting a video production company with. I had to get Rheya to retrieve me (after the panicky call to my mother, and then a rather calmer one to the police) and three hours later my mother was in MK to pick me up in my dad's car, and the AA had pulled the car out of the ditch/trees. They returned it home, and we arrived home by about midnight. I wasn't hurt by the way, I'm not writing this from hospital or anything. Just very shakey. Amusingly, next weekend I am going on a Ferrari test drive! The one thing it reminded me was one of the entries on this blog -
http://thisistheheff.wordpress.com/2010/11/12/dry-me-out/

I've been quite busy at work the last week or so. Putting together videos for the Dance show on next week, and other things for the Creative Arts show the week after. I've been extra hours & extra days, and I'm in an extra day next week, although I'm not for most of my usual hours next week because it's my Graduation.
I did however witness a teacher get extremely mad at a pupil when he called her a "clown", and a boy who had hair like a Rihanna used to. I think. In any case, I wasn't sure he was even a boy.

Oh and before the I crashed my car, I had been intending to write about MK's road system of V's & H's - Vertical and Horizontal's. But it doesn't seem interesting anymore. However I will probably post some pictures regarding the crash and the v&h's another time.