I am having a huge amount of trouble with my self image at the moment. I am not wearing foundation but I am still worrying about my outfits. I took my toenail polish off for the first time in years last night. And I mean years. Well, okay, I have taken it it off before, but only in order to repaint. This time I took it off with no urge to repaint as soon as I had done. But are things like, cutting and filing your nails, is that anti-feminist?
That is my problem. I feel like if I worry about my self-image, and my looks, then I am being anti-feminist.
I have been reading and learning for the last few weeks on lookism, and beauty and feminism, and I am under the impression that a woman should get where she wants to go without it being because of her looks. But does that mean she can't use her looks to help her get what she wants? If she is promoted simply because she is pretty, then surely she will go nowhere fast? But what if she is intelligent and makes no effort with her appearance? Will she even get promoted in the first place?
The more I research lookism, the more I realise how much rests on your appearance that shouldn't do, and the damage done by judging people. I've had bad self esteem for as long as I can remember. I still judge myself against other people. And I still judge other people. I am such a hypocrite in this respect. But I find myself simply commenting to myself on how someone looks. I saw today a woman standing on her phone at a tube station entrance, and she watched with a scowl as a girl in front of me walked past her. This girl in front of me was putting on a coat and hiking up her skinny jeans. Wasn't being mean, or giving her an evil look first. But this woman clearly didn't like the look of her. "Don't like the look of". That's being lookist. Yes I suppose it is acceptable when you see a creepy man hanging about a bar, a dodgy mafia person who looks like he might shake you down - these are all stereotypes though and not strictly the truth so maybe it is not acceptable to think this.
"I don't like the look of this" judges a situation on your perception of it. And it is just as acceptable in today's society to judge a person on your perception of them. So, should I make an effort to look good in the workplace? Suppose all workplaces have a certain dress code (ours is Smart-Casual unless the bosses are seeing the big man, then it's Smart. Because he would look down on them if they didn't dress up to scratch.) We all judge people on what they wear. Is that lookist? Or is lookism when we judge people on their body type (there's fattist but not thinist) and their facial characteristics. Things they can't help. Or could help if they went to extreme measures (yes, an overweight or obese person could restrict their diet. But some people do just have naturally curvy physiques.) This puts lookism in the same '-ist' category as ageist, sexist or racist. But can you draw parallels with lookism and racism?! So here is my feminist dilemma (because lookism is a hugely feminist issue, for the obvious reason that women are judged for their looks FAR more than men): should I paint my nails, or is that anti feminist? Should I straighten my hair, or is that anti feminist? Should I wear more war paint aka make up, or is that anti feminist? Am I betraying my sex by wearing foundation/a skirt/high heels/straight hair? Or are these just ways to empower myself? I am reading the book Beauty Bias for work by a woman quoted in this article about make up. I think it might just come down to personal preference. I don't want to wear foundation at the moment, but I wouldn't be adverse to wearing it again in the future. I hate high heels, even if I "should" wear them because I'm short. Skirts are okay. I prefer to have straight hair, though it's a major hassle to do, but easier to deal with when it's done. And I don't much like my natural hair.
Bloody society, for making it so damn hard just to EXIST.
Things I've seen lately
This article about Kristen Stewart wearing trainers at a premiere. If an older actress had done it, they'd probably be vilified her.
Also, this article about a girl who lost loads of weight. " "I feel beautiful" she is finally able to say". Hmph. Not sure how I feel about that.
And finally, this article about single women. This is how I imagined my life would be before I met my current boyfriend. This is how my life will be if something were to happen that meant the loss of my current boyfriend. I do love him, but I envy their lives. Although I can't help but notice there's a tinge of mockery in this article. Perhaps because that is the way The Daily Mail writes, or because I expect there to be. I am probably (or probably not) just reading too much into it.
(Sorry for them all being The Daily Mail. For some reason they report on EVERYTHING.)
I love my boyfriend. In fact, I love him so much I might just be with him forever and ever until I die. If he'll have me. But despite this, or maybe because of this, well actually more despite this, there is something thrilling in stolen glances from somebody you think is cute. What I feel for my boyfriend goes beyond physical attraction. Yes, I love to look at him, I think he is hot and handsome and scrummy etc etc. But sometimes you can stare so long at the roses you miss the tulips or daisies that are dotted around nearby. I use this analogy because roses are supposedly the most superior flower, or they're always perceived and conveyed that way. Whereas tulips and daisies are not. So today on the train home a young guy was sitting on a seat across the aisle. He was cute. He was a worker of some sort (i.e. he had paint streaked jogging bottoms). I looked at him when he sat down, and I thought I saw him look at me too. This is always dangerous, because then, even when you don't want to, you get caught up in the "can I catch them looking?" game. Anyway, I did. A few times. And then he got off a few stops before me. Not before I had moved to the seat directly opposite him, so that I had a bit more freedom than next to the larger guy who looked slightly like a hybrid of Wall Street and The Godfather. When the cute worker guy got up, he looked at me before he got up. I know this because I saw he was making motions to get up and so I looked at him. And he looked through the window at me when he walks along the platform. I know this also because I was looking out the window to see if he would look at me again. And that is the sum total of my life with cute worker guy. And that is nice. Because I know nothing, this will fade as a memory, and tomorrow when I see my boyfriend I will love him just as much, if not more, than I do today.
I have had soooo many of these brief encounters over the years, and I enjoy them. Looks can say what words can't. Looks can say what you don't dare verbalise. Looks can say things that you don't want to say because actually what would be the point in saying them? You're sat on a train, no one else is good looking, it was almost inevitable that the two of you exchange glances. Such is life. C'est la vie.
**
Today I wore grey jeans for the first time in weeks, months even. Today I was also slightly more creative and on the ball and confident. Coincidence? I'm going to test this theory next week sometime. Also today, I heard someone yawn really loudly on the train. It amused me.
**
This is the reason I don't write very regularly. I haven't got enough to say.
The best thing about my job is that I get to learn about new things. For example, the Eurozone, British Transport Police, Saudi Arabia. The worst thing about this job is focusing on a topic that really hits home with you and you can't seem to do anything about it.
The representation of women in the media has forever plagued me, but researching the topic of beauty and the media for my job has opened my eyes. I'm not alone in my opinion. In fact there are people out there who have even stronger views than I do, and are calling for change.
This includes people such as Kat Fridkis, at Eat the Damn Cake, who is a delight to speak to and learn from.
But this has made me decide that I need to do more to help other women and spread the word to challenge the way we are advertised to, and used in advertising. The problem is that the beauty and fashion industries are convinced that products only sell when thin and beautiful women advertise them. The fact is EVERYONE is beautiful in their own way, and I would be more likely to buy a product if it was advertised by "ordinary" women (the Dove adverts are a case in point, but while they do some great work - Onslaught video, Self Esteem fund - they are a flawed case in point - "real women have real curves" - what about the women who don't have curves?!).
What I'm also finding is that alot of the anger directed at how the media represents women is tied inextricably with feminism. I have always classed myself as feminist, but a passive feminist, if there is such a thing. I refuse to marry, I will not have kids. But I don't actively preach (is preach the right word?) about the issues feminist are fighting for. Perhaps because I don't actually know... Are there really the men-hating feminists? Is dressing slutty a feminist statement? What about sleeping around?
Almost 5 months ago, my mum made the most feminist move of her life - she asked for a divorce. And putting aside the anger and the hurt that this action (an agreement from my father) has caused, my mum became a feminist in deciding that she wasn't going to put up with my dad's dirty washing on the bedroom floor anymore. She didn't want to pick up after him, or make him dinner. Go mum!
But then she got false nails. She's had her eyebrows dyed and her moustache bleached. And I don't see how those actions could free her from the oppressor that is my father and her boring marriage.
I want to be feminist. But does being feminist mean using my looks to get me power? Or does it mean working so hard and making sure my looks don't count? Does it mean working inside the system to get to the top to make a difference, or fighting it every step of the way?
I'm becoming more aware, and more accepting of myself as a woman, and as a result, I believe I will be more aware and accepting of myself as a person. I hope for a day when my self-esteem does not plummet just because I get a new spot on my chin. I'm just hoping that my other obstacle, the headache obstacle, doesn't hold me back.
