Diary entries

My diaries, in the last few years, have massive gaps in them. I write quick, snatched, bits and pieces about what's going on in my life, and often don't try to catch up my diary on what's been going on. Why would I? The only person who'll read it is me, right?

I sat to try and get some thoughts and feelings onto paper in my diary today. I spent a lot of time working through what I was thinking in order to see if I could have any epiphanies or revelations as I was writing.

I am currently house sitting for a friend of my mother's. This woman, used to be my idol - single woman with a great career, living in a beautiful home with 2 cats for company.
And then she met a man, and is getting married this autumn.
And he has 3 kids.

I don't want to get married. I don't see the appeal in legally binding yourself to someone, or having to have an actual wedding day, with all it's pomp and overpriced accessories. Or taking someone else's name... (although I have to concede that some people would want to do that. Even though it SYMBOLISES BECOMING SOMEONE ELSE'S PROPERTY. *ahem* sorry. Just my anti-marriage tourettes.)

I have thought about marriage a lot. The decision that I do not want to get married is not something I have come to lightly. If I'm honest, my own parents recent separation and impending divorce is something that strengthened my resolve that marriage is not for me. Yes, I know my marriage wouldn't be the same as their marriage. The point is, their marriage is 1 in 3 marriages you will aware of that will end in divorce. If you take the marriages of my father and his 2 brothers, he is the 1 in 3. But if you look at my grandparents and their children ( my mother and uncle, who are both going through divorces) my grandparents marriage survival is 1 in 3, so 2 out of those 3 marriages have collapsed.

Anyway, the same decision making applies to the subject of children - I have considered very seriously the implications of having children.

I sort of understand why people have kids. Reasons range from just simply adoring children, to wanting to continue and secure the bloodline or family name. (Which is ONE reason many women do not change their name, and why it can be seen as sexist for the woman to have the change their name to their husband's surname. Basically, by changing their surname, the woman loses her individual family name, and her identity is then dependent on a man. If we're honest, kids will most likely have the father's name if the parents are not married (and still together) or the woman keeps her own name. So therefore, a woman's surname is at all times (with exceptions of course, i.e single mother families) that is given to her by a man. So maybe, if you don't like your dad, take your husband's name. I love my dad, so I'm keeping his. Although mine is now a double barreled creation of my family name and my mother's maiden name. So I belong to both clans, now that they are separating you see...)

Anyway I'm getting off topic!

I do not want children. Yes! It is that simple!
Yes, I am "only" 23, but I have thought about it a lot. My reasons for not wanting children include but are not limited to:
1. I will get fat.
2. I will get stretch marks.
3. It will ruin my body (which I do have issues with but on the whole quite like it how it is, inside and out!)
4. I don't like children (and sometimes/frequently they scare me - I have a theory, but I won't go into it...)
5. I am too selfish.
6. I don't want anyone.anything that dependent one me (that's why cats are purrfect hehe)
7. I don't want to push anything the size of a football out of my vagina,
8. I don't really want to spread my DNA. I was a horrible child. I couldn't cope if it turned out like me.

I don't see how having children will automatically complete my life. Like, really? How?! By costing me time, effort, and lots of money? Money I could spend on chocolate?
Is the result really worth it?
I don't think so.
Especially not if it has to come out of my lovely vagina, and grows up to be anything like me.

What really angers me about people, society, and friends is that they collectively say "you'll change your mind".
Why? Why would I change my mind? Oh wait, yeah, because getting married and having children is what all women want to do. It's our natural course in life. It's what we were built to do. Because we have the little baby houses inside us that they rent for 9 months.
So I am going against nature by not wanting kids.

I might be "only" 23, but I have been thinking about this for at least 10 years. And probably longer, because no doubt this sexist crap was introduced at nursery, in order for it to become subliminal or unconscious thought by the time I actually had to start thinking about it.
I remember, playing "husband and wife" under the age of 8. When my "husband" came home from "work", I had his "tea" ready for him on the table in our "house".
N.B Everything in the above sentence with quotation marks indicate pretend things. Imagine someone sarcastically bending their two fingers. That's the stuff.

People say that because I get so angry and fight so viciously to convince people that this is my choice, that that means actually I'll change my mind. "Lady doth protest too much" (no sarcastic finger bending here btw.) This "lady doth..." theory of theirs makes me think I should just shut my mouth. But why should I? Why should women who don't fit into society's norms be silenced?
If we stay quiet, the others won't know we're out there.

Unfortunately, I have come to realisation that if I tell men I don't want kids, then that must mean I don't want commitment right? Because surely, any woman who wants to get "serious" must mean get married and have kids...

I do want commitment. I want someone I can grow old with. Spar with. Enjoy life with.
That does not mean marriage and kids. And it doesn't mean a joint bank account (because you can repair a broken heart if they turn out not be trustworthy. However, you cannot get back any money they spend without your consent, no matter what it went on. Unless it was a vehicle, which you might be able get some money back on.)

I'm not saying I want to find that person NOW.
I'm just saying that when it comes down to it, we won't need to have a discussion about marriage and kids.
Or at least, it'll be a short one.

Why I Need Feminism.

I was bored this evening, so I checked up on Feminist Frequency, to see if there was a new post. There wasn't. So I re-read some old stuff, and then found some links I hadn't looked at.

These included links to Jezebel, and also to Geek Feminism. So, about an hour ago, I wanted to go to bed I was so bored. And now somehow I've managed to read for an hour.
Now I sort of see how people waste time watching YouTube videos. It's those "Related" whatnots in the sidebars that get you...

So anyway. I have been reading, and it's got me thinking.

I am glad I live in the UK. Yes, we have our problems, like the Coalition government, and our public transport system. But at the same time, these things aren't always negative (our political system isn't completely corrupt, and our public transport is like, 96% on time most of the time...). We in the UK have these things AND more to be thankful for.
I get my contraceptive pill free from my NHS pharmacy. Lets break that down - this means that a) I am able to get the contraceptive pill, b) I get it for free, from c) the NHS. Free (or subsidised) healthcare.
Like our public transport and Coalition government, the NHS has it's problems. But it and our government make it possible for me to protect myself from pregnancy. Abortion is also legal in the UK, and whilst some politicians have made a few attempts to attack women's reproductive rights, we remain a pro-choice society.

America, on the other hand, paints a very different, bleaker, picture. The land of the free... or is it the brave, or the biggoted, or the sexist...
I've always thought America would be a great place to live. New York, for example, never sleeps right? If I fancied a chocolate bar at 3am, I could go get one.
However, if I wanted contraception, emergency or planned, that might be significantly harder to get, because some states allow pharmacists to refuse to provide contraception to women. Pharmacists have been known to tell women they don't provide contraception because it's "dangerous".
Dangerous? To who?? The moral fabric of the great nation that is America, apparently.
And it's not just America this is happening in...

Mitt Romney, the American Republican presidential candidate, also thinks contraception is dangerous. He has also chosen a VP nominee who sponsored a bill that would have changed abortion rights in America to the extent that even if your father had raped you, and you got pregnant as a result, he could then sue you if you tried to get his baby aborted. I kid you not.

I mean, how much of that makes sense to you? Because to me, none of it does. At all.

The other thing that makes no sense to me is our perpetuating rape culture. My Facebook feed directed my attention the other day to this photo, which is part of the campaign This Is Not An Invitation To Rape Me. What I seriously couldn't believe with my own eyes were people commenting on the photo to say that really women shouldn't wear such and such an outfit, or they shouldn't dance a certain way. What right do these women have to complain if they get assaulted or raped if they danced that dance that everyone knows means "come and rape me"...
This is victim blaming, and endemic in our rape culture. Today I found this defining rape culture - it's worth a read I promise.

A friend of mine said that whilst victim blaming is bad, that's what society is, nothing is really going to change (at least, I think that was the gist of what he was saying, I was fuming so much I couldn't hear well over the blood being pumped furiously through my veins at what he was saying- sorry!)
The point is that is HAS to change. Not that 'yes, it should change, but will it ever really, probably not etc etc'. That is moot. The point is that is HAS TO.

I reserve the unequivocal right to say no. At any point. Because if I do not feel safe or comfortable, if I say no and he persists, then that is an infringement on my rights. Whether or not I have already kissed said guy, whether or not I have alcohol in my system, whether or not I'm a virgin, and whether or not I am wearing a short skirt, does not change the fact that I am saying no.

It's really, really hard not to victim blame. I know because I blamed myself when I was sexually assaulted by a friend. I don't like to talk about it, because I don't want to make it a big deal - but the fact that so many other women have been sexually assaulted or raped by people who they are meant to be able to trust means that it is a big deal. The normalisation of sexual assault and rape is a big deal.
I blamed myself because I trusted him enough to let him buy me drinks, and walk me home. I blamed myself because I let him come into my house for a glass of water, and when he asked if he could stay because it was such a long walk home and he was so tired and it was so late, I said ok.
I blamed myself because even though I had a boyfriend at the time, I let him into my bed.

At no point did I ever say I was sexually attracted to him. At no point did I say I wanted to do anything other than sleep in my bed.
At no point did I say, "yes, it's okay to roughly grope my breasts and press your body up against me".
In fact, I said no, stop.
At no point did I say, "yes, it's okay to straddle me and punch me in the face 'playfully' because I'm trying to stop your unwanted sexual advances".
In fact, I told him to get off.
And then I told him to get out.

And after he pouted and took his time leaving, I still hugged him goodbye. Because I felt guilty that he had to walk all the way home. I felt bad because I must have done or said something that led him to think that he was going to "get some", when I really hadn't meant him to think that.
And when I woke up with a black eye, I remember telling my mum that it was 'play fighting'.

But it wasn't 'play fighting'. It wasn't playing at all. And it wasn't my fault. Just because I kissed him years ago that was not an invitation to assault me. Drinking alcohol that he paid for was not an invitation to assault me. Trusting him to share my bed as a friend was not an invitation to assault me.


If you ask me why I need feminism, I would say I need feminism because I am sick of being looked down upon for enjoying sex, for not wanting marriage and kids, and for being made to feel inadequate. But above all else, I need feminism because I am sick of being made to not feel safe just because I am a woman.