Diary entries

My diaries, in the last few years, have massive gaps in them. I write quick, snatched, bits and pieces about what's going on in my life, and often don't try to catch up my diary on what's been going on. Why would I? The only person who'll read it is me, right?

I sat to try and get some thoughts and feelings onto paper in my diary today. I spent a lot of time working through what I was thinking in order to see if I could have any epiphanies or revelations as I was writing.

I am currently house sitting for a friend of my mother's. This woman, used to be my idol - single woman with a great career, living in a beautiful home with 2 cats for company.
And then she met a man, and is getting married this autumn.
And he has 3 kids.

I don't want to get married. I don't see the appeal in legally binding yourself to someone, or having to have an actual wedding day, with all it's pomp and overpriced accessories. Or taking someone else's name... (although I have to concede that some people would want to do that. Even though it SYMBOLISES BECOMING SOMEONE ELSE'S PROPERTY. *ahem* sorry. Just my anti-marriage tourettes.)

I have thought about marriage a lot. The decision that I do not want to get married is not something I have come to lightly. If I'm honest, my own parents recent separation and impending divorce is something that strengthened my resolve that marriage is not for me. Yes, I know my marriage wouldn't be the same as their marriage. The point is, their marriage is 1 in 3 marriages you will aware of that will end in divorce. If you take the marriages of my father and his 2 brothers, he is the 1 in 3. But if you look at my grandparents and their children ( my mother and uncle, who are both going through divorces) my grandparents marriage survival is 1 in 3, so 2 out of those 3 marriages have collapsed.

Anyway, the same decision making applies to the subject of children - I have considered very seriously the implications of having children.

I sort of understand why people have kids. Reasons range from just simply adoring children, to wanting to continue and secure the bloodline or family name. (Which is ONE reason many women do not change their name, and why it can be seen as sexist for the woman to have the change their name to their husband's surname. Basically, by changing their surname, the woman loses her individual family name, and her identity is then dependent on a man. If we're honest, kids will most likely have the father's name if the parents are not married (and still together) or the woman keeps her own name. So therefore, a woman's surname is at all times (with exceptions of course, i.e single mother families) that is given to her by a man. So maybe, if you don't like your dad, take your husband's name. I love my dad, so I'm keeping his. Although mine is now a double barreled creation of my family name and my mother's maiden name. So I belong to both clans, now that they are separating you see...)

Anyway I'm getting off topic!

I do not want children. Yes! It is that simple!
Yes, I am "only" 23, but I have thought about it a lot. My reasons for not wanting children include but are not limited to:
1. I will get fat.
2. I will get stretch marks.
3. It will ruin my body (which I do have issues with but on the whole quite like it how it is, inside and out!)
4. I don't like children (and sometimes/frequently they scare me - I have a theory, but I won't go into it...)
5. I am too selfish.
6. I don't want anyone.anything that dependent one me (that's why cats are purrfect hehe)
7. I don't want to push anything the size of a football out of my vagina,
8. I don't really want to spread my DNA. I was a horrible child. I couldn't cope if it turned out like me.

I don't see how having children will automatically complete my life. Like, really? How?! By costing me time, effort, and lots of money? Money I could spend on chocolate?
Is the result really worth it?
I don't think so.
Especially not if it has to come out of my lovely vagina, and grows up to be anything like me.

What really angers me about people, society, and friends is that they collectively say "you'll change your mind".
Why? Why would I change my mind? Oh wait, yeah, because getting married and having children is what all women want to do. It's our natural course in life. It's what we were built to do. Because we have the little baby houses inside us that they rent for 9 months.
So I am going against nature by not wanting kids.

I might be "only" 23, but I have been thinking about this for at least 10 years. And probably longer, because no doubt this sexist crap was introduced at nursery, in order for it to become subliminal or unconscious thought by the time I actually had to start thinking about it.
I remember, playing "husband and wife" under the age of 8. When my "husband" came home from "work", I had his "tea" ready for him on the table in our "house".
N.B Everything in the above sentence with quotation marks indicate pretend things. Imagine someone sarcastically bending their two fingers. That's the stuff.

People say that because I get so angry and fight so viciously to convince people that this is my choice, that that means actually I'll change my mind. "Lady doth protest too much" (no sarcastic finger bending here btw.) This "lady doth..." theory of theirs makes me think I should just shut my mouth. But why should I? Why should women who don't fit into society's norms be silenced?
If we stay quiet, the others won't know we're out there.

Unfortunately, I have come to realisation that if I tell men I don't want kids, then that must mean I don't want commitment right? Because surely, any woman who wants to get "serious" must mean get married and have kids...

I do want commitment. I want someone I can grow old with. Spar with. Enjoy life with.
That does not mean marriage and kids. And it doesn't mean a joint bank account (because you can repair a broken heart if they turn out not be trustworthy. However, you cannot get back any money they spend without your consent, no matter what it went on. Unless it was a vehicle, which you might be able get some money back on.)

I'm not saying I want to find that person NOW.
I'm just saying that when it comes down to it, we won't need to have a discussion about marriage and kids.
Or at least, it'll be a short one.