Currently reading the Cary Grant biography In Name Only. And as the authors continue to remind the reader, "Cary Grant" was a creation. Archie Leach was the man, and Cary Grant was a persona he invented, and then wore for the rest of his life like a mask.
Who are we, really? Who of us live behind masks, whether they be small or large? Do we ever know who exactly we are? Some of us are able to identify who we are through having a calling to do something, or be something.
For some people that calling is to act, to sing, to direct. Others will be to work with children, with the elderly, or with the homeless.
Many of us will feel the need, and heed the calling (is it nature's call, or society's bellow?) to get married and procreate (sorry to put it so crudely. The idea of the "family unit" is one of society's creations, albeit one of it's better ones. I am not trying to ridicule those who say they want a "family". I'm just suggesting that the idea of a family is one we can create, and what people are actually, physically doing, is reproducing.)
But do our actions actually define who we are?
Surely to answer that, we need to know who we are first.
The reminiscence bump is something I learned about on the science doc I worked on last year before I went away. Essentially, the research suggests that between the ages of (very broadly) 10 to 30, we define who we are as people. This is the period from which most of our memories will come from when asked later on in life. This doesn't always follow through - it actually depends on how we think of ourselves.
If we think of ourselves in terms of facts, such as "I am a teacher" or "I am a mother/grandmother", those kinds of descriptions are pretty time-locked, and memories from there will always be from a certain age onwards, and those won't necessarily be from the late teens to early twenties period that really defines the reminiscence bump. The age of 16-25(ish) is seen as the strongest period of self-making - where we are testing our boundaries and limits, learning what we like and what we don't like, what we love and hate. We are listening to the music that will define our taste throughout our life, the films that will inform our genre preferences or casting favourites. We are participating (or not) in activities that will demonstrate to people who we are.
You can read the Jezebel article on the reminiscence bump research here. It was this article that reminded me of all I had learned during that production.
How many of us purposefully work out who we are and who we want to be? Have you ever sat down and tried to make a map of the way your life will go? Are you one of those people that decided they'd be married by 25, first kid by 27? Or wanted to be junior manager at 25, senior manager at 30?
We focus so much on the what, but not the person underneath.
Who is the person underneath my exterior? What are the traits that define me?
Am I tenacious? Determined? Or lazy? Pessimistic?
Oh how I am going to have to resist the temptation to be self-deprecating here and take a huge gamble instead and try to be really, very honest.
I am argumentative, opinionated. I am shy. I am (that too-commonly-used phrase) introverted. I am a dreamer. I am generally optimistic. I am tightfisted. I am empathetic...to a point. I am forgetful of anything not to do with work. I am easily excited. I am organised. I am industrious. I am fearful. I am self-conscious. I am resilient.
None of these traits are ones I am ashamed of. Some of them might be seen as undesirable. How often have I been described as an undesirable eh?
What traits would I prefer to have though? What persona do I wish I could create and slip on the mask when necessary, or indeed all the time?
Do I want to be The Fabulous Emma, who spends all her money on designer clothes and looks like she has stepped out of Vogue?
Would I like to be The Amazing Emma, whose attitude is always of a sunny disposition, and never quarrels with anyone?
Should I be The Incredible Emma, known for her confidence, easy ability to mingle, and general extroversion?
Can I not just be The Great Emma, who likes an argument, and has her own opinions, but finds it hard to make new friends and talk to people at parties? The Great Emma who dreams of things she'll accomplish, and then works hard to achieve them? (This isn't completely true - I always work hard when I am employed, but am finding it difficult to remain disciplined and work hard for myself, on the things I want to do...)
I am the The Great Emma who writes lists for everything, who giggles and jumps up at down when she sees that Waterstones stock Moomins. The Great Emma who is fearful of what the future may bring and where it may take her, but knows that if she can survive a headache for 7 years, that she can survive it for 7 more, and be resilient in the face of anything life throws at her.
The truth is, we are all The Fabulous, The Amazing, The Incredible at times. When necessary. We put masks on at work, we put masks on in front of friends. We even put masks on in front of our family.
I don't dare take mine off. I can only dream of a time when I will be comfortable without it.
When that time comes, I'll let you know.
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