Those Walls I Built

It's very easy, when you're overwhelmed by emotion, or when you're feeling something you'd rather you didn't feel, to try and block it out. 

I'm good at steeling my heart against things, against people in particular. Acting cold towards someone is a defence mechanism, that I'm sure they can see through. But it makes me feel as though I'm dealing with it. As if it can't hurt me. I think that eventually it works its magic, and in the end I can deal with it because I've walled it up for so long. In fact, I'm undoubtedly processing those feelings and emotions constantly, and that's what gets me through it.

Whilst I am sort of fed up of feeling things for people and then having to stop myself from feeling those feelings, I guess that is life, and emotion is so important. It's vital to being empathetic to other people, to making friends; it's essential for falling in love.

The walls I try to build around my heart don't stop me crying at RSPCA adverts or the degeneration of an elderly man's - my elderly man's - mind. It didn't stop me crying when I moved house, or when my sister left, or when my mum moved away.

And sometimes it's easier said than done. Even when clothes I like the look of don't look good on me at all (I'm looking at you, blue sequin Lipsy dress) I don't automatically think "oh well it doesn't suit my body shape or my skin tone." I think "I'm fat, why are these arms even here, why doesn't it look on me like it did on the (tall, leggy, well-photographed and well-photoshopped) model?!" Sometimes reason is lost in emotion, and not even the best walls can stop you feeling crappy. 

And then, sometimes, aside from dealing with unrequited desires and not coping with rejection, the walls, and the emotion, are necessary. This morning walking to walk, I had a sense of futility and gloom. And it was confirmed when I got in and I felt overwhelmed, scared, and very alone.
But I took a moment to deal with those feelings. I felt the fear, the terror. And then I walled it up and got on with things.

But with every paper cut, with every phone call made and with the re-tying of my makeshift hairband, I was dealing with the feelings.  Those emotions, and my ability to deal with then, make me who I am. 

I just wish I was able to cope with all emotions, all the time. 
I suppose that's what the rest of my life is for.