Fighting Fears

Throughout September and October last year, I was having frequent attacks of nausea. Once a week on average, sometimes with vomiting. There was no rhyme nor reason to it. When I spoke to my GP, he said it was because I was eating dinner so late. 

But it wasn't. By that point I wasn't even eating dinner that late frequently, not like I had done in the months before. I still don't know exactly what it was, but I have a theory.

My theory is that nausea was me panicking about leaving for Australia. I was scared. I had no idea what my life had in store for me. I had no idea what Australia would be like, whether I'd cope. Cope with the weather, the insects. Cope with the hostels. Cope on my own. 

Before I went to university I had a few panic attacks. Like the nausea there was no pattern. I had one attack within the first few weeks of uni - because I was scared of one of my flat mates! - but they stopped just as abruptly as they'd started. Just like the nausea.

By late October the nausea stopped. I haven't had any bouts of it here. I'm two months in. I'm still afraid, fearful every time I got to a new place. But despite all the fear, I'm still doing this. I was so petrified I cried as the plane left Heathrow for Tokyo. I cried once in Cairns because I felt so hopeless at talking to people. I cry whenever I say goodbye to my mum on the phone because I don't know when I'll next to her again. What if I don't get the chance? What if something terrible happens? It would be bad enough at home but while I'm on the other side of the world?! Urgh! I'm tearing up as I'm writing this, which is dangerous as I'm walking as I write. Which is dangerous in itself without the tears.

I'm typing this on my phone as I walk along the Manly Scenic Walkway. It's a 10km walk from Manly to The Spit, and I tried to do it two days ago but actually got lost and went the wrong way and never made it. In fact I got lost down a pathway that led me into the bush and as I walked along an increasingly rocky path, jumping at any twig that moved because I thought it was a snake, I was scared. It was hot, and I was running out of water. I just kept saying to myself that it had to lead somewhere. I just had to keep pressing on. And it did lead somewhere - to the edge of the cliff. So then there was nothing to do but go back. 

Sometimes in life we just keep pressing forward regardless. And sometimes we have to go back. And everything, even, especially our mistakes, are things we can learn from. Every day we do nothing, every day we do something, every day of work and every day off. Life is an adventure. Not just in the people we meet and the places we go and the things we do. Life is an adventure of learning about ourselves. Right now, in my adventure, I'm learning about who I am. 

I turned my dream into a reality, as one of my friends put it. 

But when the dream becomes a reality, the fear does too.  



P.S. Here is a map of the scenic walk, from the manlyaustralia.com.au website, arrows for start & end points added by me.

And then here is me with The Spit bridge behind me. I probably should could have run this through photoshop, but meh. This is what I look like after 2 hours of WALKING MOFOS. Suck it. 

And here is the map to prove that I was actually at the end. Ta da!