Not Yet

I never knew watching someone die would be so tiring. 

Being on alert for their mutterings and mumblings, to respond to their half-crazed conversation. 

My grandad used to read my blog. Once I think he even sent the link to The Telegraph because he thought it should be published. 

I have many and more memories of my grandad. He was a lot of fun when we were kids, but he was strict too. He couldn't abide crying. But he mellowed with age, and in the past two months I've seen him cry more than I ever did the previous 25 years of my life. I'd cry too, if I was given a death sentence.

But this is my grandad now, in his final days. This elderly man who talks to people only he can see about things that aren't happening. This man who looks at me, but doesn't see me. Who tells me I'm lying about who I am, but calls out for me when he's distressed. 

This man who tries to call people on his catheter, and needs new boots to see the captain tomorrow. This man who has been husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle. This man so well loved, will be so sorely missed. 

But not yet.

Life after Prison/Sexism is alive and well

*Trigger warning: rape, sexual assault


Is it any wonder that a huge number of rape victims don't report their rape to the police? It's hard, of course, to determine how many women are raped every year because an estimated 89% of rapes go unreported. But estimates show approx 78,000 rapes happen a year - 69,000 of them being female victims, 9,000 male.

The reason for this post is because Judy Finnigan, veteran presenter, spoke on Loose Women about how Ched Evans, the former Sheffield United football player, should be allowed to go back to his job when he comes out of prison.

I hadn't heard of this case until I saw a petition floating around to stop him from going to the Sheffield. And then a friend drew my attention to Finnigan's comments. 

On Loose Women, Finnigan said: "He’s served his time. The rape – and I am not, please, by any means minimising any kind of rape – but the rape was not violent. He didn’t cause any bodily harm to the person.

“It was unpleasant, in a hotel room, I believe, and she was – she had far too much to drink. And you know, that is reprehensible, but he has been convicted and he has served his time.”

Now, I am not surprised that Judy fell into the stereotypical trap of victim blaming. I am rarely surprised by victim blaming these days. What I am heartened by is the outrage shown by viewers and people who have complained about these comments, leading to Finnigan issuing an apology.

So she apologised, which means Hooray! No more victim blaming!? No. Finnigan's apology said she didn't intend to "minimise the terrible ordeal" that the victim suffered. But minimise she did - and her comments cannot be taken back. There was no need for her to even mention the fact that the woman had been drinking (because surely everyone knows inebriation does not equal consent? No?) or the fact it was not a violent rape. There are enough individuals that are outraged by these comments to show that victim-blaming is being held up for what it is and people are being made to apologise for it. But what we need to do is reeducate society from the bottom to the top about rape, sexual assault, consent, and how to treat victims. 

Our society holds on so dearly to the idea that rapes happen in dark alleys by violent attackers, when the reality is so much closer to home. But that's why we hold onto this ridiculous notion - because the truth that as many as 97% of rapes are perpetrated by people we know is too uncomfortable. Home Office stats showed that 56% of rapes were committed by a former or current intimate partner. And victims are beaten in 9% of rapes. So Evans' rape victim is actually the norm. And what an upsetting and horrifying norm that is.

Finnigan has, however, raised a good point about ex-offenders and them being allowed to get on with their lives - should he be allowed to go back to his job as a footballer? Understandably, as a footballer he will not only be paid very handsomely (for kicking a ball around...) but he will be in the public eye - kids will look up to him as a role model. He will wear a kit that bears the logos of sponsors. Ex-offenders often find it very hard to reintegrate into life after prison, and Judy is right that he has done his time for the crime he committed. Criminals must face the very real consequences of their actions - although in the case of rape convictions the police have a 60% success rate. Not hugely encouraging. The England & Wales average for detection of rape, i.e recorded rapes that result in a charge or a caution (a CAUTION???) is a measly 18%. So the average rape victim has a less than 20% chance of having their rapist even charged with the crime, and then only a 60% chance of them being convicted.

Committing a crime - and being punished for it - will have a major impact on someone's life, and undoubtedly will have had an impact on Ched Evans. I guess the thing here is whether being punished by the law is enough. The reason why so many people are against Ched Evans picking up his football career where he left off is because it would seem as if the crime never happened – he never raped this woman, he never went to prison for it. It could be seen to negate the consequences of committing crime. The very consequences that are supposed to discourage committing crime in the first place.

Discussing that Ched Evans' sentence is being halved with my sister, she pointed out that if there are no incentives for criminals to reform, then they won't. This doesn't just mean good behaviour early releases, this means reintegration into society. Ever heard of a second chance? It's easy to judge a person on the worst thing they've ever done. I'm not advocating soft-heartedness on all criminals. In fact, I don't know what the solution is. 

All I know is I am the kind of person that believes that if people seek help, they should be given it. Apologies will never take a crime back, will never bring back a loved one, will never heal the physical or emotional scars of a crime. But we need to be focusing on building a society where people are better, so that our prisons aren't so full, as well as establishing schemes where ex-offenders can get back to their lives. We only have one life, after all.  

***

The other night, my sister & I attended a talk with Laura Bates and Caroline Criado-Perez, discussing what needs to be done to overturn the institutionalised sexism in our society. The point was raised about Emma Watson's recent appointment as a UN Goodwill Ambassador and her launch of the HeForShe campaign. The idea that feminism is unpalatable to men has long made feminist's eyes roll - as was pointed out by the speakers, the idea that we have to show that sexism is bad for men too in order to get their support is commendable, but the simple fact of the matter is that we should be asking men to support the destruction of institutionalised sexism because "they bloody well should". Women are 51% of the population. Isn't it well past time that we achieved gender equality?!

If you're a man, and you don't think sexism is a problem, then quite frankly, you are naive and culturally blind and how about doing a little bit of thinking about it? 
And if you do that thinking and you still come back and think it doesn't exist?

The government statistics on rape and sexual assault will prove you wrong.
The government statistics on equal pay will prove you wrong.
Counting Dead Women will prove you wrong.
Countless surveys on women in the workplace, women at home, women in education will prove you wrong.
The practices of sexual harassment, the consistent and overwhelming entries on Everyday Sexism project will prove you wrong.
The practice of FGM will prove you wrong. 
The only recently banned 2 finger test in India will prove you wrong.
Malala Yousafzai's story will prove you wrong.
#BringBackOurGirls will prove you wrong.
The barrister who called a 13 year old female abuse victim "predatory" will prove you wrong. 
The "she had it coming/was asking for it/shouldn't have been out that late/on her own/drinking" victim-blaming narratives prove you wrong.
The LSE Rugby club will prove you wrong. The Stirling University Hockey team will prove you wrong.
The statistics on rape and sexual assault and the lack of adequate policing and support on American campuses will prove you wrong.
The 200+ restrictions passed across states in America that make it harder for women to obtain safe, legal abortion will prove you wrong.
Anita Sarkeesian will prove you wrong.
Caroline Criado-Perez will prove you wrong.
Stella Creasy will prove you wrong.
Mary Beard, Hadley Freeman, Grace Dent, India Knight and Laurie Penny will prove you wrong.
Jennifer Lawrence will prove you wrong. She had her private photos stolen - and then when she dared to publicly name it for what it was  - a sex crime - her Wikipedia page was adorned with those very same naked selfies. The message here is silence yourself woman. 
Yes, there are idiots in the world. But ever wondered why the idiots always seem to be attacking, threatening, trolling women with sexually explicit or sexually violent comments?
The stud/slut paradox will prove you wrong.
The leader/bossy paradox will prove you wrong.
The Downing Street catwalk will prove you wrong.
Don't tell me that pink is for girls and blue is for boys.
Don't tell me to get back in the kitchen. Don't tell me to make you a sandwich. 

Don't tell me that sexism doesn't exist. Because it's 2014 and it does and it bloody well shouldn't.




Sources:


http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/rape-myths-9147.html  

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2014/oct/13/judy-finnigan-apologies-rape-comments-ched-evans-football

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/97907/government-stern-review.pdf

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-27726280

http://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/jan/11/male-female-rape-statistics-graphic 

#WorldMentalHealthDay

Last night, shortly after I'd settled into my bed, I heard what at first I thought was my sister arguing with my dad. Question Time was on, and she was still downstairs cooking something for her dinner today, so I figured they were just having a heated debate about something. Then after a moment or two I realised I recognised those noises - they were the noises of utter desperate crying.

I literally leapt out of bed and ran downstairs, to find my sister crying into the shoulder of my dad as he hugged her.

I stood there until they parted and asked "What the hell happened?" I was so bemused - I'd been upstairs about 10 minutes and when I'd left them all was well.

And then my sister said, "Dad asked me why I was cooking."

Now, that doesn't sound like a reason to burst into tears. But my sister had started cooking a bit before, and told our dad she was cooking something to eat for her dinner tomorrow [Friday] night. 

Dad: Oh right. Where are you going tomorrow night?
Claire: I'm going to a gig at Wembley. I'm seeing a comedian, Miranda Hart.
Dad: Ok.

So how, approximately 15 minutes later, had my dad forgotten this entire conversation and asked my sister again why she was cooking? He is not elderly and suffering with memory problems. 

The simple fact is that he is an alcoholic and he was drunk.

My sister leaves early in the morning for work, before my dad, so she often doesn't see him until she gets home. And by the time she gets home he's already had a glass of wine or two. At weekends he gets up at 10am and starts drinking about 1pm, unless he's driving somewhere. Added to which my sister works alternate Saturday mornings. This means that on average, my sister sees my father sober for about 9 hours a week, give or take. 

There are 168 hours in the week. So that (if my maths is right) means my sister sees my father sober for less than 6% of the week. 

He repeatedly forgets conversations we've had, because we only really get to have conversations with him in the evenings, by which point he's almost near the end of the first bottle of wine, or starting on the second. He frequently falls asleep at his desk downstairs, or even at the dinner table. I've found him asleep downstairs at 1am. He has even fallen asleep whilst eating his dinner.

Our father is an alcoholic. Addiction is a mental health issue. And today is World Mental Health Day.

My family has had a range of mental health issues on the years, the most significant being depression. My sister has been recently treated for it, my mother has had it, her mother has had it, my uncle has had it, and my grandad currently has it. So literally everyone on the maternal side of the family. I was treated for "behavioural" problems that was probably depression when I was younger. This had made us - especially my sister - hyperaware of the strength of our mental health, and protecting it. And right now my sister's mental health is not being protected. She is not in any regular counselling and whilst she is not being treated for depression now, that is not to say she cannot be treated for it again. Living in a house with an alcoholic father who has pointedly said he doesn't care if his drinking kills him is not the easiest, most loving environment for my sister. It's not the one she needs as she delves into the working world, having got through her depression and graduated from one of the toughest universities in the world.

It's not that we don't love our dad, and we don't doubt that he loves us. He just needs alcohol more than he sees the need to grow old and see us through life as far as he possibly can. 

And we said as much last night. He did his sad puppy dog face when he knows he's in trouble, and he went and sat down in his computer chair, hanging his head. It was hard to know what to say. So we just told him the truth: that it is hurtful and painful for us to accept that he doesn't care about us enough to care about living. "What if we have kids", Claire asked. "Will you be around to see your grandchildren? Don't you want to see how we turn out?"

Both my sister and I are worried about our drinking habits. Having seen what wine has done to both our parents (our mother's drinking habits have significantly improved since she got a new boyfriend, because having her two daughters intervene and cry about how much she drank was not enough to make her stop or even cut down, but a disapproving new boyfriend was), we are worried about becoming dependent on alcohol. On "needing" alcohol. It is an issue we will probably both be concerned about for the rest of our lives.

That is why treating mental health is so vitally important for everybody. It has been the "underdog" of the NHS - never treated the same as physical health. But my father's addiction to wine is going to have physical implications - he is overweight, and he is doing daily damage to his organs. Can you see how connected everything can be?

And there's the rub. Our mental health adversely affected by the mental health of our father. Aspects of our futures wrapped up in actions of an alcoholic. 

For my father, his future lies at the bottom of his second bottle of wine. At the 4th, the 8th, the 13th. 
7 days a week, my dad drinks about 2 bottles a night. 

If a vampire were ever to attack, I'd be surprised if blood flowed from my father's veins. Instead the vampire would probably just get drunk.
Then they'd have something in common with my father.


Update 12/10/14: On Friday night (10th) I was leaving to go out. My dad had arrived home from work and when I said "I'm off to Sutton." he asked "OK, are you meeting Claire there?" I started to say "No Claire is in London" and halfway through I realised this question meant he didn't remember her telling him where she was going. And I had a bad feeling he didn't remember their argument either.
I was right. Saturday morning, when we all got up, Dad admitted that he couldn't remember Claire telling him where she was going...and he couldn't remember their argument. He looked sheepish (as he had done Thursday night), but at least this time he was sober when we told him the reasons why we had argued - his drinking, how it affects us, and how horrible it makes us feel.
He's on glass of wine number "no idea" (his words). I estimate 2nd or 3rd. It's 7pm.

It's Been A While

I haven't written in this blog for a while. A whole month in fact. Sometimes, a week won't go by that I don't have some thought I want to put down in here. But my Head Aches blog/vlog has been taking priority.

I want to explore that concept of priority. It's hard to know what are your priorities, and the difference between what they are and what they should be. Most of us feel strong obligations to one thing or another: work, family, money. My strongest obligation at the moment is family, particularly my grandparents. With my grandad now in a care home, I need to be around to go and see him, and also to take my nan to see him on occasion. My sister only gets the opportunity to see them at the weekends, and if I was working full-time I would be in the same position. 

I'm struggling with not working. The thing is I'm not not working, I'm just not in my usual environment of a full-time 9-7/8/9 job in TV. I'm having to work off my own initiative to work for my friend on her business, on a film project. I have to sit myself down and say "Right, today I need to get this done" or "Ok this afternoon I'm going to get that finished."  It's not easy, and the house can be full of distractions like the washing up or the hoovering. Often I go and sit in my local library to be free of distraction. But I am going to have to learn how to work from home.

Much as I miss working in TV, and I miss the money, I want to be volunteering like I do each week - something that working in TV would not allow. I want to be around for my grandparents, because we don't know how long my grandad has got, and my nana is now alone in her house. For a woman that does not want to make her own family, I am curiously devoted to the one I already have.

When I got home in May, I felt like I'd made the wrong decision coming home, and my plan was to get back to work and save up enough to get away and out of the country again to somewhere else by the New Year. And then my mother told me my grandad had cancer. Lots of cancer. Cancer that will kill him (though won't technically won't kill him). Terminal, aggressive, untreatable cancer. They started chemo in order to give him more time. But only a few sessions in they said it was too aggressive and chemo would make no difference.
There was no more bargaining for time. This is it. 

And so he sits in his care home, in pain, uncomfortable, but being given more care and attention than we could if he were at home. He says he's ready to die tomorrow, but tomorrow doesn't come.

But I'm not ready.

Having a family is so selfish. You create people who are bound to you by blood and more often than not care about you like no other in the world. And sometimes your kids die before you and that's tragic, no parent should have to bury their child. But why should the children have to bury the parents? Is it part of growing up? An inevitable part of the human experience - the loss of a loved one. An experience that cannot be ignored, that cannot be got around. Unless you are an orphan hermit perhaps.

And I can easily empathise with people, fictional or otherwise. Watching the beginning of season 7 of Castle I was crying even though I knew what was going to happen. But the heartbreak of Beckett's face - it cut through to my own heart.

I'm not ready for this loss. How can I possibly become ready?