As I write this post, I'm standing on a station platform, trying not to throw up. There's no toilet I can go to, no seat to sit down on to relax and feel better. My trains are delayed and the absolute fear of beings stranded and hungry led me to binge eat. And now, after a chocolate bar, a nutty cereal bar and a pain au chocolat, I'm unsurprisingly feeling a bit icky.
Even if there were a toilet, I am now 96 hours since my last "purge" and determined not to go back to that. I guess it's lucky that I'm not at home, or that resolve might very well crumble.
I can't remember ever being this crazy around food. Not to the extent that my brain screams at me and food dominates most of my thoughts. I use it as bargaining chips, I use it to scold myself. I'm constantly trying to evaluate how hungry I actually am, and how much of it is in my mind.
And I am terrified that I am jeopardising my health in an even greater way than the "bad" foods I eat and binge on ever could. How much is this going to affect my performance this Sunday, in the half marathon? Am I going to be able to restrain myself beforehand? And when am I going to get away from language like "restrain", which only reinforce the deprivation mindset that triggers binge eating in the first place?
I am coming out of an especially dark episode in my life, my darkest since earlier this year when I self harmed for the first time in years. This feels darker still because of the rapid way in which my mind unraveled. Whilst I'd felt the difficulty of staying stable for a week or so, the descent into this depressive episode, and the binging/purging cycle felt rapid; I was fine one day and then it had been 4 consecutive days of binging and purging and panic attacks.
Now I've made it 3 days and all I can think about is being sick and trying to blank out the judgements that I get from people and from myself. Yes I
know I wasn't starved as a child, yes I
know there are people out there with more to juggle than me. I
know you're only trying to help me.
I
know all the logic but my mental illness defence barriers treat logic like spam email - groaned at, ignored, trashed.
My journey back from this brief but brutal sojourn into despair and disordered eating will be hard. All I can say is that I'm glad I have supportive people around me. It makes me all the more grateful to be running the half marathon this weekend for a charity that helps people who, in situations like mine, feel they have no else to turn to.
So if you think mental health, and looking after people is important, then please sponsor my sister and I. After all, I'm going to spend 2+ hours thinking of when I can next eat.
https://www.justgiving.com/smithbodie/
