Every stupid reason I've had for wanting to die or kill myself

I'm not good enough

At sport

At running

At the gym

At love

At relationships 

At friendships

At family 

At work 

At life 

I bought new clothes

I didn't have new clothes

I have too much stuff 

I ate too much food

I threw up food

I tried to starve myself 

I drank too much 

Someone I knew died

Someone I didn't know died

Someone I knew got sick

Someone I didn't know got sick 

A natural disaster happened

An unnatural human rights disaster happened

I don't have enough friends on Facebook

or followers on Twitter 

or followers on Instagram 

I don't have enough friends in life

I'm not a very good friend

I forgot to text back

I forgot to reply to that email

I was supposed to do that task and I didn't

I can't read all the books

Or listen to all the music

Or watch all the films

In the world

I can't grow my hair 

I can't grow my nails

When I grow my nails they break

I always have damaged cuticles

My boobs aren't even

My boobs aren't big enough

My hips are wide

My thighs are fat

I'm fat

My feet are wide but small and I can't find heels that fit

I don't suit [insert item of clothing]

I can't do winged eyeliner 

My makeup usually runs 

I'm short 

I can't see over crowds

People can't see me in a crowd 

People push in front of me in a queue 

I always have a headache 

I keep getting sick 

I take too much medication and I'm taking up NHS money and time 

I don't want marriage

I don't want kids 

There is and was context to everyone single one of these thoughts, ranging from "they don't deserve that to happen to them it should have happened to me" to "I will never be good enough so I should just end it". But the common theme is that my depression and anxiety plays havoc with my reasoning and will use anything it can get its hands on to fuck with me. 

It always comes down to being a burden. Being a waste of space. Believing with my whole head and a heavy heart that the world would be better off without me. 

It comes down to being selfish in a whole other way. I read this list back and I am struck by how self-centred it all sounds. But we can only view the world as ourselves, so our default settings are self-centric.

September was, and is annually, Suicide Prevention Month. Back in August, Sam (my now ex-boyfriend) knew something was up one night and he called me. He asked me what was wrong and I vaguely told him but I didn't want to go into it. I had already made up my mind that I was going to overdose when I got home. I didn't want to burden him with my unimportant problems. 

So he talked to me about Game of Thrones. He made me laugh. We debated certain references and theories.

And he brought me back to life.

I didn't overdose in August. And now, at the end of September, I have made it through another month. Sometimes with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and other mental health issues, you have to take it one month, one week, one day or even one hour at a time.

That hour might be awful. It might be horrific. 

But the next hour might not be so bad.

If you need help to get through that hour, call someone. or text. or email. or write it all down if that helps. Listen to a music track you love. Maybe read a poem or a chapter of your favourite book. There are so many reasons to be alive. 

You might find that you don't want to die anymore.