From darkness

It scurries back to the darkness from whence it came. 

Its attack is a sudden, total devastation. Having completed its mission, it evaporates. As if it never existed.

But it was there all along. Lying in wait. Just under the surface. Bubbling with increasing intensity. 

When it arrives, it brings with it an isolation unforeseen. How could it possibly feel like this? How could I possibly feel like this, so totally out of the blue? Unpredictable. Like a wrecking ball to my mind. It is simply a predator and I am the prey. 

So what can I do to protect myself from these attacks? How do I fight when I am encased in a bubble of doom? No air. No light. No hope. 

And how can I explain what is wrong if I don’t even know myself? How do I put words to something so implausible? 

Anxiety. I don’t want you. 

Distant memories

I should have been pleased. Proud even. 

My boss praised me for handling a difficult meeting really well. I chaired a meeting I hadn’t chaired before. 

And all I could think on the way home was, I am not good enough. 

If I was better, I wouldn’t have felt awkward chairing the meeting. 

If I was better the other meeting wouldn’t have been so difficult. 

If I was better then I would be okay right now. 

It feels like my life is slipping through my fingers. Whenever I manage to grab onto something, it crumbles away in my mind. The depression tells me it wasn’t even there to begin with. 

I feel trapped, lost, broken, alone. 

I feel stupid, worthless and defeated. 

I feel tired. So tired. I feel exhausted. 

And then suddenly the energy comes and I’m restless, excitable and then I get a headache. It never lasts, energy that a.

I no longer feel like I have nothing left to give. Instead I feel, 6 weeks on from the overdose, as if what I have to give is meaningless. I got some fight back. Now withers like fruit on the vine. 

How can I hold on to that hope, and that fight? How can I stop it from fading away and feeling like it is a distant memory? This is my daily struggle. To keep the good memories alive.