Distant memories

I should have been pleased. Proud even. 

My boss praised me for handling a difficult meeting really well. I chaired a meeting I hadn’t chaired before. 

And all I could think on the way home was, I am not good enough. 

If I was better, I wouldn’t have felt awkward chairing the meeting. 

If I was better the other meeting wouldn’t have been so difficult. 

If I was better then I would be okay right now. 

It feels like my life is slipping through my fingers. Whenever I manage to grab onto something, it crumbles away in my mind. The depression tells me it wasn’t even there to begin with. 

I feel trapped, lost, broken, alone. 

I feel stupid, worthless and defeated. 

I feel tired. So tired. I feel exhausted. 

And then suddenly the energy comes and I’m restless, excitable and then I get a headache. It never lasts, energy that a.

I no longer feel like I have nothing left to give. Instead I feel, 6 weeks on from the overdose, as if what I have to give is meaningless. I got some fight back. Now withers like fruit on the vine. 

How can I hold on to that hope, and that fight? How can I stop it from fading away and feeling like it is a distant memory? This is my daily struggle. To keep the good memories alive.