My touchID doesn't recognise me

Over the weekend, I did so much sanding that I have shredded my thumb to pieces. And as a result, my TouchID doesn’t recognise my thumb print. 

My phone doesn’t recognise me, just as I don’t recognise myself. 

Well, that’s not strictly true. I recognise myself but in the aftermath of the overdose and in the depths of depression I have to wonder: who am I? 

I have no Sense of who I am, and while my CBT work aims to delve into my sense of self and my core beliefs, I am left lacking. 

It’s a lack I’ve felt nearly all my life. A hole I’ve never succeeded in filling.

And I have tried to fill it. With work, with exercise, food, or with volunteering. With alcohol, travelling and self harm. 

But it prevails, and prevents me from really knowing myself. Who am I, without the depression? 

My thumb will heal. Will I heal? As I put my life back together - go back to work, start exercising again, start sleeping better - will these initial building blocks fit into place until I step back and think “yes, that’s me.” 

Will I be able to accept what I see? When I recognise myself again, how do I move forward and get to the next step: acceptance?

Tomorrow is World Mental Health Day and I implore you all to do one thing to take care of your mental health. Take a break at lunch away from your job. Walk in a park. Walk around the block. Watch a funny movie or tv show. Eat dinner with someone. Talk to people. 

Look in the mirror, even if you don’t recognise the person looking back at you and say out loud “I am enough.” 

When I finally get to know who I am, I will realise I am enough. But I don’t need to recognise myself to start telling myself that.