Looking for Inspiration, Still Searching for Illumination

Today is the 37th day of 2014. Today I finished yet another book on my 'List of Books to read' which is one of my New Yera's Resolutions.

The original list was:

    - Better than Fiction (collection of short stories, already started on iPhone)
    - Heart of Darkness (on iPhone)
    - Villette  (on iPhone)
    - On the Origin of the Species  (on iPhone)
    - Around the World in Eighty Days  (on iPhone)
    - White Men'll Never Do It (already started, paperback)
    - Bewitched & Bedevilled  (on iPhone)

I added to that list Kangaroo and Lady Chatterley's Lover, both by DH Lawrence, and have now read all of these books except one - On the Origin of the Species. I started it today, and I freely tell you now - I am going to struggle with this one. 

I have added to this resolution the following books that I already have downloaded onto my iPhone:
 - Grimms Fairy Stories
 - Treasure Island
 - Robinson Crusoe

I also have a book of Aboriginal Dreaming stories to read, and I'm really looking forward to it!


Today I also went some way to achieving another of my New Year's Resolutions. I went for a run, and in going for a run, I ran for 5k. I walked the first half-k, but after that, full on running. Well, yknow, jogging-running. and resolution no.5 is "5. Improve my health by exercising and healthy eating so that by the year's conclusion I am able to: -Run 5k..."

Well the healthy eating isn't really happening (I've just spooned the last drops from a jar of Nutella into my mouth), but the exercising is. It's hard to practice sit ups and push ups in a cramped dorm, but I plan to get over my self-consciousness and start doing them in the park. The same goes for Yoga. I was surprisingly flexible when I practised last night. Still not at the floor though. The resolution says by the end of the year. So I just need to keep practising! 


Just one more thing to note: I came to Australia to fall in love with the country, to work, and to maybe start a new life. I quite like the country, I've had a bit of work, but there's no life for me here. 
I am not ashamed to say that I misjudged this, that I miss home, that I miss the life I had. That I miss my mum, my dad, my sister, my nan, my grandad, my cat, my friends. That I miss my bed, and my things. That I don't miss the cold but I do miss cuddling up in my slanket in front of the Xbox. That I don't miss my bath and not having a shower but I do miss putting my shower gel and shampoo on the side of the tub and being able to leave it there. And I miss my mahusive bath towels. 
I am not ashamed that I thought I could come out here and work. I might not have tried my hardest, but when you sign up to a freelance database and all the runner jobs are going to Location Assistants and APs, you realise that maybe there just isn't the work for the inbetweener. I'm not far enough up the ladder. For a woman so focused on her career, having had nothing and no one else that truly mattered, this was really hard to come to terms with. But the blow was softened by enjoying the travels. Falling in love with new places, meeting new people, learning new ways of doing things, a new language (schooner! pot! doona! dunny! G'day! Arvo! How you going?!)

And for a woman who doesn't want to get married or have kids, I sure have realised how important my family is to me. 

Those Old Pair of Jeans

Most women will know where I'm coming from with this (maybe some men too?) - I have a skirt in my wardrobe I have never worn, because it is just that bit too small. I fit in it, but I don't feel comfortable in it.
My chunky thighs are pressed together in a way that is only desirable for ... Well, nothing, and no one.

WAIT! CORRECTION!
My chunky thighs are pressed together...

Because that's what these kinds I clothes make us do. They make us feel fat, simply because we don't quite fit in them. 

Like an old pair of jeans you might have in your cupboard that you used to fit into, and you will fit into once again, as long as you do that Zumba class/carb-free diet/miracle diet pill.

Being a bit of a stingy person, I hate the idea of having to buy new clothes when I change size, so the idea of staying the same size appeals to me for this reason. But lately, with my jeans slightly baggy and me hoisting them up by my thumb every time I walk, I want to get some new, better fitting jeans.  

But as I keep discovering, clothes retailers feel the same way about my body as I often do: love my waist, hate my thighs.  
I get their jeans up - just- over my thighs to find there's a massive gap at the small of my back which I HATE.
I am not skinny enough for really skinny jeans. I tried on a pair of "relaxed boyfriend" jeans. Size 8, space at waist, tight at thigh. Size 10, space everywhere, and falling down with every move.  

My gym-bunny colleague has interpreted this as more reason to continue my workouts. Perhaps.  

So what should I do? Wear more dresses? If only - dresses these days are either maxi dresses (where's Emma gone? Why is this dress walking towards me?!), shift dresses (my beautiful curves, where did they go?!) Or the kind that look like a blouse and a skirt sewed together (is this a tea dress?) which strain over my boobs, and sit tight above my waist in a manner that makes me feel as though I'm tied to a long line of slaves. 

If I knew anything about dress making, I'd make things myself, in my measurements, so that I feel comfortable.
But since I don't, I'm stuck with two options- buy ill-fitting clothes, or change my body.  

These clothes, these retailers, make me feel as though my body is wrong. This on top of tons of pictures of models and celebs whose body I will never be remotely similar to (because LEGS), and adverts for creams and lotions that will exfoliate, firm or just sit away my body worries (seriously, my “Sit Tight” Soap&Glory body firming cream says it works when I'm SITTING.) 

So I am convinced that I need to work harder, exercise more, eat less, pray longer, so I can get the thighs of my dreams and of a retailer standard size so I can finally buy some jeans that FIT.   
Of course, I could do all of that.
Or I could just buy a belt. 
But I hate belts. 

And also, exercising more and eating less will not change my feet, which refuse to be a size 4.5, 5 or 5.5 and therefore always fall out of shoes or are rubbed on the toe, heel or on the skin anywhere.
 (Saying this, I got two pairs of shoes today. But they're sandals! They don't count! I'm talking high heels for work or fun!)  





Christine: I mean, they kind of rub my ankles, but all shoes does that. I have low ankles. 
Richard: You think you deserve that pain, but you don't.  






So my feet, and my thighs, are wrong.
And I probably (definitely) don't care enough to change.

FML, right? 

Shaving, and the grand scheme of things.

I have a small dilemma. I have now worn the same stuff to the gym twice in a row and it needs washing. I bought myself some nice little gym pants that are 3/4 lengths and I plan to wear them to the gym tomorrow.

The only thing is, I haven't shaved my legs for as long I can remember. 

The gym is not somewhere I'm desperate to look good. But I feel that nagging feeling that it would be so crazy for me to go and people not be able to tell where my trousers stop and my legs begin.

I haven't joined a gym because I care what I look like. I haven't joined because I want to change my weight. I have come more to terms with my body recently than ever before. I am learning, relearning in fact, how to value myself as a person, independent of my weight, independent of my hair, my skin, my clothes. Basically independent of my appearance and more for the qualities I possess as a person (albeit a hermity-type person). I've always believed in working hard to gain success, and the same goes for going to the gym (though I am yet to determine a goal other than "be healthier"). I just need to put my head down and do it. 

Which is one of my main problems: discipline. Self-discipline to be more precise because I never really misbehaved in school (the one time I got sent out of class was because I was protesting that we had yet another History teacher that year, and I just wanted some consistency and quality in our education...) 

So the exercises that the chiropractor sets me, the yoga workouts and now gym attendance, really depends on a self-discipline that I am lacking. Eating healthily depends on it too. I'm lacking the discipline that gets me beyond the 2nd week of a fitness kick (I'm in the 2nd week and I'm struggling, mainly because I was so ill at the weekend).

I need to have the structure in place that means I do not automatically go for a chocolate bar when I feel peckish. It means I need to learn how to cook and feed myself more effectively, more healthily. I need to educate myself about food, fitness, carbs, fats, reps and gosh knows what else.

So in the grand scheme of things, I don't have time to shave my legs. I've got so much reading to do!

Although I have already learned that being healthy does not require me to get an overpriced juice from Westfield when I walk home.

And what I've learned from my two sessions at the gym so far is that I need a gym bag. And a bigger towel. And I have such puny, puny arms! 

Ch-ch-changes

I am trying to discipline myself and work towards a new, better lifestyle.
More water, healthier food choices, more stretches and exercise that can help me towards a better body.

And I'm doing all this because I feel I need to for my health, to combat my headache. Not because I want to be slimmer, or prettier.

But when I think about a healthy diet and exercise, I automatically think of it in the context of caring about your appearance. Being thin, good-looking. I think this is because of all the magazines I used to read, and all the "fat" stories in the press (you know, the ones that say how so&so lost a million stone because they cut out biscuits).
And celebrities, including actresses, are held up as role models because they do this or that type of workout to keep that slim & toned figure, or they restrict their diet to only cabbage and tomato juice. I wonder how many articles there are about an actress' weight in comparison to articles about her acting career, her life, her other interesting traits (e.g charity work)*.

And even if a famous figure moves beyond their role as a body on screen to look at, how much is their appearance actually ignored in favour of what might be more important?

This article about Angelina Jolie at the G8 summit leads with comments about her appearance. How is her GREY hair and pearl jewellery more important than her mission to end SEXUAL VIOLENCE against women and children in war zones? (yes ok, it's the Daily Mail. But my point is that there are articles out there doing this sort of thing all the time - and the Daily Mail is the most read online news site.)

Are we not giving the impression that these actresses, celebrities, are worth very little beyond their looks? Are we not giving this impression to women, teenagers, and little girls?

Are we not giving the impression that no matter what you might achieve in your career, your life, you will only be deemed successful if you manage to be good-looking at the same time? I feel that the value placed on women in society, by men, women and the media, is that women need to be slim and beautiful in order to be looked up to.

Surely we should not be looking at Kim Kardashian because she got fat (OMG SHOCK HORROR WOMEN PUT ON WEIGHT WHEN THEY GET PREGNANT). Surely we should be looking at Kim because of the shrewd business woman she might actually be. (I'm not saying the pregnancy is part of a game plan, I'm talking more the fact that a leaked sex-tape led to a reality TV show and a clothing line amongst other things).

So I have to change my thinking. I am not drinking more water because I think 2 litres of water a day will lead to having beautiful skin and therefore I'll be more attractive. I'm drinking more water to be better hydrated and try and help my head.

This morning I made the first choice towards a healthier life style, green tea over coca-cola as a nice refreshing start to the day. It is small choices like that which will help me change my ways. Wish me luck.

* I am not counting the many countless articles there will be on a woman's love life. How many times a week do we need an exclusive on Jennifer Aniston's love life? Why is it even our business??