Of all the things I've had in life, I've always lacked something I would consider quite important: self love.
And this makes selfies kind of hard to do.
Don't get me wrong, I get why people take them. Sometimes I like taking them. But I have such a problem with how I look most of the time that I find it hard to even be in group photos.
I've abused my body physically. And I continue to abuse myself mentally. I'm ugly. Maybe I'm not ugly but I'm definitely not that pretty. And I'm sure as hell not sexy, not in these jeans and T-shirts that I can't seem to escape because all sophisticated and feminine clothing look awful on me. Actually, I always put it "I look awful in this" because I am at fault, not the clothing. It's my fault I don't suit patterns. Or prints. Or harem pants. Or anything really with a logo on the front because my boobs stretch it to hell (I tried on a Cookie Monster singlet - Cookie Monster's eyes bulged out because boobs).
I don't love the fact that I'm a size 8-10, because I'm not a size 6. I don't love the fact in only 5ft 3.5 because I don't have legs like an Amazonian and therefore cannot ever wear maxi dresses. I don't love the fact that my hair is thick and wavy, because it's not sleek and straight.
When considering my lack of self-love, I list things that supposedly justify why I don't love myself, like all the above things. I could just turn it around, and say simply "I love myself because of my thick, wavy hair." What's the reason I don't love my hair? Is it because it's impossible to manage (or have I just not learned the best ways to maintain it?) Is it because all the women in the magazines I used to read didn't have thick wavy hair? Or the women in my favourite TV shows? When the nearest representation to my natural hair would be Monica in that episode with all the humidity?
Whatever the reason for my dislike of my thick wavy hair, my petite stature, my inability to look good in prints or oversized dresses, it has to stop. I have to stop comparing myself to other people, and start to love myself.
Because there is no one like me.
If you judge someone for how they look, what they wear, how they act, that says more about you than it does them. That reveals your moral code and standard, not theirs. You can bitch about someone's body, but it more than likely only reveals the insecurities you have about yours. Because anyone happy with their body, happy with themselves won't feel the need to go about bitching about other people. If you're body shaming, it is you that needs to sort your shit out, not whoever owns the body that you're dissing.
I'm not innocent of these charges. I've said "oh god she should not be wearing that". But it stops now. If someone is comfortable wearing a hessian sack then LET THEM BE. You do not need to add your voice, your opinion, to their world. It only matters to you, it should not have to matter to them also.
Words cannot describe how unbelievably sad it makes me that some people are positively gleeful at being able to rip into someone's appearance. We have SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS to be dealing with. Why do you focus on pulling people down, not pushing them up? And why do I focus so much on pulling myself down while I'm at it?
Usually with guys I think "he's so out of my league", "he'd never go for me, I'm so x/y/z"
Instead, wouldn't it be far better if I thought "Wow he is attractive, if he is attracted to me that is a bonus, but if he is not, that is not because I am unattractive, or that the girl over there also trying to get his attention is more attractive than me, it is just not meant to happen. Such is life."
How much happier would I be if I did not spend my life comparing myself to other women? Perhaps this kind of thinking would be ignorant; perhaps that girl over there really is more attractive me. But who says so? And why should it matter to me?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And actually, the only beholder that should matter is ourselves.
I found this the other day with feeling jealous at a friend's description of how much fun they had been having and essentially how great their life is right now. And I felt like saying something snarky, and letting my jealous feelings take over. But instead I just said "that's great, you really deserve to be having fun"
Because they do. Everyone does. And when I stopped entertaining those jealous feelings, they disappeared.
If I keep practicing that, it can only get better. And I can put it into practice for the lies I tell myself about my appearance.
So stop abusing yourself because you don't look a certain way, because your hair isn't this or your face isn't that or your legs are not her legs.
Emma, stop abusing yourself because you are not a certain way. Yes you can exercise, but do it because you want to be fit and healthy, not because you want Jennifer Aniston's arms. You will never get Jen's arms; they are her arms, and you will only get a toned version of your arms. If you work at it, that is.
So let's stop this nonsense. Stop bashing ourselves and bashing each other. Stop body-shaming because there is no shame in our bodies.
Because they are the only ones we'll ever have. Whatever you believe, this is the only time you will be you.
Isn't that amazing enough for you?
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