Misty-eyed and surrounded by fog

Tears. I try to blink them back- dog walkers are coming towards me. I let the water pool in my eyes until they pass, then they spill down my cheeks. 

It was just a rabbit disappearing through a hole in the hedge. A flash of brilliant white that caught my attention, so I crouched down to peer in. I couldn't see anything at first, except a clearing in the bushes. Then it bounced into the clearing from where it had sat, hidden from view. Hidden from me. Ears long, and all a tawny brown except for that white tail. Like a bit that had been missed by the painters. 

I panic. I'm not sure where this path is going and I'm rapidly running out of time. I pick up speed, my feet wet from morning dew and numb from the cold. Not as numb as my hands though. I look at them: the nails aren't blue but a rosy pink beneath the flecks of leftover polish. I shove them deep into my pockets. 

It feels like ages, but it's not long until I get to a part of the path I recognise, and soon I'm back at the lodges. I feel peaceful, despite the sudden panic. It was fleeting, unlike normally. But things aren't normal anymore. I felt it, by the lake. A monumental shift in my spirit. 

I ran down this path only 24 hours before and yet now I have seen so much more. Before the rabbit, I came across a side trail, down to the edge of the lake. Covered in yellow leaves, the ground gives way to two small jetties. Jutting out onto the water, dark brown and bright yellow against the grey water. In fact, everything is grey - the water, the sky, everything in between. The fog surrounds me here and in this space, I feel cocooned. I feel like I am the only person that on the planet, and with that comes a deep sense of calm. I breathe in; I listen intently to the hooting of moorhens that have no idea that they are my own private theatre. A stage of dancers, gliding across their marble surface.  

I cry. I cry with sadness, relief, anger, and joy. This place, this wonderful grey place, it's mine. I'm aware I'm literally steps away from the outside world but I feel so at peace it doesn't feel like an intrusion. Merely that this place of my own is a small piece of real estate in a world I don't and can't own or control. I have never been more in love with a place. And I've been to New Zealand. 

Now, away from my place and back in the real world, I have such a strong sense of self that I can't believe I ever lost it. I have a weight off my shoulders. I am beginning again to understand what is important, what I need as a person. What my body needs, what my soul needs. 

I haven't felt it in such a long time I didn't think I'd recognise it when it finally returned. 

But "it" is unmistakable: This is pure happiness. 

And I feel so blessed.