Yearning to stop yawning

There are good days and bad days. Good hours and bad hours. 

I'm learning what it's like to live with this.

It's relying on caffeine to stem the yawning that comes from being depressed, being on anti depressants and just not sleeping well. Yawns that come unbidden and to accommodate them you try to unhinge your jaw. An exhaustion you can almost feel in your blood. 

Half zombie, half fidget.

It's forcing a smile on your face and a spring in your step that you can only manage for short periods of time - and afterwards, you're left exhausted. Nearly tearful. As if you weren't already on the edge anyway.

It's a physiological change in who you are, fundamentally, as a person. It's going from a morning person to dragging yourself out of bed after snoozing your alarm for 45 minutes.
It's changing from enjoying the gym to struggling through a personal training session like you're being forced to do algebra 10 years after you left school.

Your tastebuds change. Things taste bitter, or of nothing at all. There's never anything you really want to eat; you eat because you have to. Like the way you're living because you have to.

You're sensitive to hot and cold and loud noises. It's a sudden and brutal change to your world when the phone rings; you begin to dread the noise. You hold things gingerly. 

You don't want to be dead necessarily; you just want to close your eyes and not exist.  

This is horrible. There's no other way to describe it. I'm always uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable not just in my own skin, but in my own brain. I want to get out. I pound on the walls as if someone outside could rescue me from this. 

That same brain that I feel trapped in, it doesn't work the way it used to, the way it's supposed to. It takes minutes, even hours to process things. It feels steeped in fog, and I have to work overtime to push through it. 

I don't recognise myself. I don't like myself - no, it's more than that: I don't even care about myself. But I still worry about others. I'm worried that my problems will hurt other people. I don't want to let people down. 

It's having a good day, then a really bad day, then a pretty ok day but at the end of the pretty ok you realise just how hard you had to work to be ok and being left totally exhausted.

So excuse me while I yawn until I gag.