12 Months, 12 Changes

A year can make all the difference. What are 12 things that are new and different in my life from September 2014?

1. New career: a year ago, I quit TV, and started volunteering at the Sutton Women's Centre. By December 2014 I'd organised a fundraising event and I was a committee member, running the social media. In May we had our 30th Anniversary which I largely organised, and soon we'll have a 30k walk, plus a new marketing plan and our annual Christmas fundraiser that I will have contributed to. My contribution to the Women's Centre fills me with enormous pride and I look forward to seeing it continue to help and support local women for another 30 years (even though one would hope it wouldn't be needed in another 30 years...). I also started volunteering for the Tanzania Development Trust, a role that teaches me new things about the world all the time. After a brief return to TV earlier this year, I got myself a job as Marketing and PR Executive for a charity. Exactly where I wanted to be.

2. Losing my Granddad: words couldn't begin to describe the grief I felt when my granddad died. I have never seen a person die, but I am glad I was there and that he was surrounded by family. Of course the pain of his loss has diminished but I still miss him everyday. I just wish I could hear his voice again, even if it was to grumble.

3. My mum's engagement and impending move: neither of which I am impressed with.She knows this. I've spent hours talking to my counsellor about it. I don't like him, she could do much better, and Lincolnshire is even more the arse-end of nowhere than Burwell. But it's her life. I'm not saying I'm ok with it, but I accept her decision. It's taken me months to get to that.

4. Getting myself back to therapy: following the loss of my granddad, growing resentment over my mum's plans and building frustration at my life, I referred myself to counselling, marking a return after 5 years out. My weekly therapy sessions are a lifeline for my mental health and there are times when I need it and times when I don't, and times when I can't get out of there quick enough, and times when I could do with several hours not just one. I have struggled with my mental health for most of my life, but referring myself to counselling could only ever be a positive step in safeguarding it.

5. New Zealand Take 2- jumping off a suspended gondola and free falling 134m: when I went to New Zealand the first time, I made the mistake of telling the bungee jump company that I have a chronic pain condition. I didn't make that mistake when I booked it, and I was totally fine. In fact I was better than fine because it was an absolutely incredible experience and I desperately want to do it again! My second trip to New Zealand also heralded my first football match - Wellington Phoenix vs Brisbane Roar. We've got the wind, the rain and the phoenix...

6. The gym- my second home: I first went to a gym when I was 15, and my mate persuaded me to go because we both desperately wanted to be thin. I wasn't even fat to begin with but vulnerable to suggestion that I needed to lose weight, like many young women and older women, and teenagers, and even now pre-pubescent girls. And men too. I only went a few times, and mostly stuck to the treadmill. The second time I joined the gym was as a birthday present to myself in 2013 (I also had just split up with the guy I was seeing...). I joined the BBC Club and that gave me the gym at the bottom of my building for cheap. This time I explored more machines, and even weights. I went a few times a week, usually late after work, until I got the craving to playthrough Mass Effect again and I stopped going...

So it is third time lucky. A new gym opened up at the top of my road and they had a pre-opening offer. Spur of the moment, having started running and training for a 10k (running had fallen by the wayside by January 2015 because I was so upset and exhausted over my Granddad, and losing my uncle too in December) I decided to sign up. And it has changed my life. Before when exercise and dieting was a path to beauty, working out and healthy eating is now my path to strength and fitness. The way my body has changed and developed in the last 7 months is something I could never have anticipated at the beginning. I miss the gym when I'm not there. Running is my relaxation, and one more rep is always my ambition.

7. Studying again: I decided to take up a Chartered Institute of Marketing qualification through the Oxford College of Marketing. I knew I wanted to make the move, and I knew that volunteering would only get me so far.It was the right decision, though it is hard. I've done one module so far, and due to holidays and timing, I now have two modules to complete by the end of January, for assessment by the March boards. But I know I want this, and I will do it and do it well.

8. Network, network, network: Networking used to fill me with fear. I started attending the I Am Networking charity drinks in January and the first time I went, I had a panic attack and almost didn't go in. I stood in Covent Garden in floods of tears on the phone to my nana. Then I went in, talked to someone in the lift, and then kept talking to people. The awkward moment where you sidle up to some people having a conversation - just swallow your fear and get on and do it. I've now been to 7 out of 8 monthly I Am Networking drinks, and I'm going to another Charity networking event next week. It's the researcher in me - I like asking people questions and being nosey.

9. 10K: Linked to the gym (no. 6), I ran my first 10k in June, and finished in 1 hour and 12 minutes. There's nothing like the feeling of crossing that finish line, and knowing I'd raised money for Cancer Research UK made it even better. On holiday in Croatia I ran 10k in 1 hour, and I'm due to run the Oxford Half Marathon in October, this time for the Samaritans. I bloody love running.

10. Losing the person I thought was my best friend: pretty self explanatory. For reasons I don't fully comprehend, the person that I thought was my best friend was apparently lying about being my best friend for the last two and a half years. What a waste of our time. Now I know what kind of person she is, and she's not the kind of person I want in my life, and doubtless I'm not the kind of person she wants in hers. I was devastated, heart-broken. Then I was angry, betrayed. Now I am grieving, but calm. It is what it is, I don't wish her any ill-will, but a weight is off my shoulders and a breath of fresh air flows through my life. To adapt an old, much-used phrase, you don't know what you've got weighing you down til it's gone.

11. Topdeck: despite the aforementioned schism with my tent buddy, I had a fantastic time on Topdeck. Yes my last night was kind of ruined by the bull, but actually I had a nice night that night, and many other nights. In fact all the other nights, and days. The lack of sleep, the boiling heat, and the cold and damp and the flooded tents. The walking, the running, the dancing. The setting up and packing down camp, the food Gemma cooked, the food everywhere especially chimney cake and borscht and spinach dumplings. The News, the quiet time, the Wake Up song, the fight over the electricity points. The sweet relief of hostels and cabins.
The new and amazing places I've been. Venice on a gondola, Croatia to party, Budapest to steam out my pores. Krakow to hear the trumpet, and to feel the history at Auschwitz. Prague's 5 story club, Berlin's history, and Copenhagen's Little Mermaid. Hamburg gave me white wine spritzers, but Amsterdam gave me so much more. Already made a list of those to go back to. A haul of 9 new snowglobes for the collection too.

12. Me: The previous 11 points are all things that I've done, or have happened in my life. But the biggest change in the last 12 months is of course me. I've grown, and I've shrunk. I've taken steps forward, and steps backward, and then a few shuffles sideways and sometimes diagonally. I've aimed for one place and ended up another. At the end of it all, I am still me, but changed. Same same but different. I have learned so much, done so much, seen even more and all it's done is whet my appetite for life more. At the beginning of the year, it didn't seem like 2015 was going to go this way. A brief recurrence of self-harm and traits of eating disorders. But I've been there before, and I wasn't intending to get stuck there again. I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and carried on fighting. Like so many people do every damn day.

So with a new tattoo on my right foot, I step into the next school year. I'm ready. Bring it on.

Why Dontcha Do Something?

Earlier this month I glanced over my New Years resolutions for this year, and I thought "next year I'm gonna keep it simple. Next year my resolution will be 'Do more'. That way I can't lose."

I've always needed my NY resolutions to be quantifiable. I certainly took to heart the training about SMART goals from school. 

But sod that. And sod waiting til next year. 

I'm scrapping those New Years resolutions. 

From now until the end of 2014, my single, solitary resolution is going to be "Do more". 

That way I can't fail. 

There's More To Life Than Rush

It's December. It's nearly the end of 2013. I cannot believe this year has gone already. A year ago I was just getting back from what was up until now the trip of a lifetime. And actually, Trek is still the trip of a lifetime. It was the trip of a lifetime for an Emma that doesn't exist anymore. I came back irrevocably changed.

I've been trying to write New Years resolutions for 2014, but it's surprisingly hard. I don't know where I'm going to be, or what I'm going to be doing. How do I know what's achievable or not? I like my NY's resolutions to be achievable, usually not too broad, which means I never put "lose weight" or "build self esteem" any more, because those are too broad; improvements that have any number of ways to achieve them. And it only makes you feel worse if you don't achieve them.

Before I get onto what I think my 2014 resolutions will be, I'm going to review my 2013 resolutions.

Resolutions 2013

1. Watch 500 out of 1001
2. Read list of books (10)
3. Complete Before 24 list
4. Learn to knit
5. Ride the Bluebell Railway
6. Make a roast dinner
7. Save £1000 for Australia

I was unsuccessful in two of these: numbers 3 and 6. Although I still have a few weeks to complete number 6, I'm not really in a position to make a roast dinner for myself or anyone else, so I'm ruling it uncompleted. And I failed at completing my Before 24 List, which if you don't remember what that was about, you should read this old blog. 

And so to the others that I have been successful at. Whilst I may not be the best knitter in the world, I understand the basic principle of it, even if I still can't cast on. I easily saved £1000 for Australia, and I rode the Bluebell Railway for my birthday.

Self/unemployment at the beginning of the year meant I rocketed through my list of books to read, though that list did include the Fifty Shades trilogy. And I have now watched over 500 of my 1001 films to see before I die, and it'll likely stay at that number until I return from Australia.

So what am I going to do for 2014? Usually I'd have a films to see resolution, but I don't have Lovefilm any more, or even a disc drive in my laptop. I could have a books to read list to complete, but books are cumbersome for a backpacker, and there's only so many free books I've got downloaded on my phone.

Should I make some Australia-centric resolutions? I could make it a resolution to see Uluru, but I could also make it a resolution to see Fraser Island, the Whitsundays, to do a skydive over Mission Beach. And that's only Queensland... What about a resolution to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge, or do something equally iconic in Victoria, or Tasmania, Western Australia or the Northern Territory (none of which I know anything about). Maybe I should have a resolution that requires me to visit the Neighbours set. I don't like vague resolutions, so I can't just have a resolution that says "travel".

And what about the main reason I came over to Oz - work? I had planned to make it a resolution to work in Aus TV...but I've been doing that the past two weeks. Granted, not being paid for it, so perhaps that should be written into the resolution.

Last year I had a resolution to save money for this year abroad. Should I again have a resolution to save money - but this time for my return home? This really depends on me getting work of any kind.

Maybe I am overthinking this. Okay I am definitely overthinking this, but I like to plan. I like to be organised and make lists and goals, and often lists about goals or goals that involve lists.

I see resolutions as a way to become the person you want to be. But there's only so much control I have over the person I'm going to be by the end of 2014.

Maybe I should try to have a resolution not to get burnt again. Let's see how long that one lasts.

Big Fat End of the Year blog

Despite not liking being told what to do by peer pressure or society, I do make resolutions every year. In fact, making my resolutions makes the new year so exciting, and this year I started making them in November.

For comparison, my 2012 resolutions were: 
(the ones highlighted are the one I completed)

1. Watch 450 out of 1001 (films to see before you die)
2. Read list of books (10 books in total, of varying lengths and genres)
3. Watch Dr Who DVDs and videos
4. Get first aid certificate
5. Save £2000 into ISA
6. Try 8 new recipes
7. Learn to use chopsticks
8. Get rid of 1 memory box
9. Learn short hand
10. Write a feature film script
11. Ride the Bluebell railway.

2013's are...
1. Watch 500 out of 1001 films
2. Read list of books (9, one of which I finished this morning, and a trilogy included as 1)
3. Complete my Before 24 list (see below)
4. Learn to knit
5. Ride the Bluebell Railway
6. Make a roast dinner
7. Save £1000 for Australia 

Since I achieved 7 last year, and may only be around in this country for 10 months, I thought I'd pare down the resolutions a bit. Although two of them refer to completing other lists (2 & 3). And ride the Bluebell is back on there, because I really want to do it, and I want to do it. Riding the Bluebell and making a roast dinner are ones that can be achieved in one day and with relative ease.
And after a shaky start, I think I'm making progress on number 4.

Years ago, my resolutions would have included vague desires such as "Gain self-esteem" and "Lose weight" (2 years ago, it was "Lose 8lbs, which is less vague). 
These are the unattainable type of resolution, because much as I am all keen to do it, I never have the discipline or make the plan to achieve them. (And how the hell does one go about gaining self-esteem anyway? Read lots of contradictory books of how to feel the fear and be happy in 7 days?)
N.B This year's 'Learn to knit' poses a similar problem. When can one say one has learned to knit? I have learned the knitting stitch, I know the basics. Will it be when I make my first item? Inevitably, this first item is going to be either a scarf, or a large rectangle that I will claim is a blanket for my cat. 
N.B.B or N.B2 or whatever it is - my resolution of 'Write a feature film script' was a similarly unattainable through lack of discipline kind of resolution. But one day. One day...
 

I like goals, and I like lists. I like making resolutions, but I don't feel too bad if I don't achieve them. I throw in easy ones (like this year's 'Get rid of on memory box' which consisted of going through all my memory boxes and looking at everything and if I couldn't remember what memory I was meant to be remembering, I got rid of the thing) so that I can tick something off the list.
I like ticking things off lists more than I like making the lists themselves. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

This year's resolutions include 'Complete Before 24 list' which consists 6 activities or tasks I want to do before I turn 24 in April:
1. Play a full game of Monopoly
2. Visit Ireland
3. Learn to light a BBQ
4. Learn to mow grass
5. Get 4th tattoo
6. Get a credit card

I've already completed number 4, and number 5 is being designed. I fear that by April the weather will not have been warm enough to light a BBQ, and also we don't actually own a BBQ anymore...

I suppose my unwritten resolution, which I will face a daily battle of achieving, is stay true to myself, and live my life for me. Lest I sound like a weirdo with trust issues, you can only really rely on yourself (although I cannot rely on my body all the time, damn headache.) People have their own lives, and their own problems, and their own resolutions. 
New Year's is all about change, but I'm not changing for anyone but myself. 
Here's to the New Year!
And here's to making resolutions (and lists) :D