Preoccupation with surnames... and Christmas

One comment I remember from the hospital filming on Saturday was that the baby was labeled with mum's surname, which was different to dad's surname. This was in case of emergency they said, so they could match mum & baby up without a problem. "It's easier when you're married", said the midwife.

There is, it seems, a preoccupation with surnames. With having the same surname as your partner, or as your child.
Like a lot of opinionated people, I sometimes find it hard to take on board someone else's feelings about a subject, especially when it's one I feel so strongly about.
And surnames is one I feel strongly about.

A few weeks back I had a debate with my friend about surnames, and women taking their husband's surname when they get married. I've just gone through the legal process of changing my surname from Smith to Smith-Bodie, and the question I got asked most often when telling administrators my new name was along the lines of "So did you get married then?" This was exactly the way my doctor put it, but others simply asked Was I still 'Miss' or Is that 'Mrs' now? In fact I got it today, at work - could I bring in a marriage certificate or deed poll certificate. Well I can bring in my deed poll certificate...
Whilst it's great that people are aware that some women add their husband's surname to their maiden name, I don't see why women should have to change their name at all.

My friend said some women just wanted to have the same name as their husband and just because I didn't think that was right didn't mean these women are idiots.

But they must be idiots if only for the one simple reason that changing your name IS NOT EASY. Or cheap!
£43 for my Deed Poll certificates & fee.
£89 for a new passport.
I haven't done my drivers license yet, but that'll be what, another £20.

And the forms you have to fill in seem pointless, and the long list of people you need to tell seems never ending.
HMRC. Banks (I have accounts with 4 banks...) Doctor. Dentist. Optician.
Oyster Card. Mobile phone provider. Amazon. Ebay. Paypal (who want photocopies of your new Passport & Deed poll certificate...)

When I move house, I'll have to do it all over again, too.


Changing my name was for me, an identity thing. I was born a Smith. Christened a Smith.
But I am so close to my maternal grandparents that it seemed crazy that I wasn't a Bodie too. And with my parents divorcing, I don't know if my mum will revert to her maiden name, but she won't technically be a Smith anymore.

I guess, in the same way, taking your husband's name is the same sort of thing, for your identity. Creating a new identity for yourself. But to me it seems like it's taking your identity away. I look at my name change as an evolution of my identity. I'm still a Smith, I'm just a Bodie too now, officially, on paper. I see taking your husband's name as a loss of identity. It's your name, why should that be taken away from you?

(And let's face it - 1 in 3 marriages ends in divorce right, so why bother changing your name if you might be that 1 in 3?)

I came across this blog post whilst looking up about this subject, and it includes this quote:

To name oneself is the first act of both the poet and the revolutionary. When we take away the right to an individual name, we symbolically take away the right to be an individual. Immigration officials did this to refugees; husbands routinely do it to wives - Erica Jong.

My name is who I am. I do not want to get married, so I will never be faced with this dilemma. But I am imploring women not to give up their names just because it seems like standard practice, or because they think you'll look less committed if you don't, or because they worry their children will be disaffected by having parents with different surnames. Just give your children double-barrelled surnames, duh. Double-barrelled surnames are, like, so cool.

**

In a quick aside, my friend is going to a pub in Redhill tonight for their Christmas stalls. Yes, that's right Christmas stalls. It is September. My mum text me this picture the other day or Christmas chocolate calendars or whatever they are called that she saw in the shops.

Let me reiterate - It. Is. September. 

Are we all so desperately lacking in our lives that we need 4 months to prepare for one day of the year that costs too much and makes lots of people fatter and is essentially the epitomy of our consumerist society?

This year for Christmas, I have bought everybody charity gifts. And then when I get back from Trek America, I'll buy some chocolate coins to go with them.

I've only bought everybody's presents already because I like to be organised. Not because, I'm like, SUPER EXCITED FOR XMAS OMG!

I haven't liked Christmas for years, partly due to resenting the fact that shops fill with fake cheer and consumerist tat, mostly due to the way my mother gets miserable and drunk every Christmas because we don't care and her grandad died at Christmas.

Now I don't have a "nuclear" family, Christmas is going to be even more awkward. This year will be the first year I wake up in a home with only one of my parents.

I think birthdays are the special occasion you should make an effort with presents. Not Christmas. Christmas is Jesus' birthday, not mine. Or yours. Unless you are Jesus. I'm sure as hell not.

**

Lastly, in an even quicker aside, this morning I discovered is not easy to drive whilst having a nosebleed. Whilst it's hard enough to drive into London on a Monday morning, doing it whilst blood drips down onto your bare chest and stains your lovely magenta vest top, could result in disaster.

Good thing I'm an excellent driver then.

HA.

I'll let you know if the top survives...

Diary entries

My diaries, in the last few years, have massive gaps in them. I write quick, snatched, bits and pieces about what's going on in my life, and often don't try to catch up my diary on what's been going on. Why would I? The only person who'll read it is me, right?

I sat to try and get some thoughts and feelings onto paper in my diary today. I spent a lot of time working through what I was thinking in order to see if I could have any epiphanies or revelations as I was writing.

I am currently house sitting for a friend of my mother's. This woman, used to be my idol - single woman with a great career, living in a beautiful home with 2 cats for company.
And then she met a man, and is getting married this autumn.
And he has 3 kids.

I don't want to get married. I don't see the appeal in legally binding yourself to someone, or having to have an actual wedding day, with all it's pomp and overpriced accessories. Or taking someone else's name... (although I have to concede that some people would want to do that. Even though it SYMBOLISES BECOMING SOMEONE ELSE'S PROPERTY. *ahem* sorry. Just my anti-marriage tourettes.)

I have thought about marriage a lot. The decision that I do not want to get married is not something I have come to lightly. If I'm honest, my own parents recent separation and impending divorce is something that strengthened my resolve that marriage is not for me. Yes, I know my marriage wouldn't be the same as their marriage. The point is, their marriage is 1 in 3 marriages you will aware of that will end in divorce. If you take the marriages of my father and his 2 brothers, he is the 1 in 3. But if you look at my grandparents and their children ( my mother and uncle, who are both going through divorces) my grandparents marriage survival is 1 in 3, so 2 out of those 3 marriages have collapsed.

Anyway, the same decision making applies to the subject of children - I have considered very seriously the implications of having children.

I sort of understand why people have kids. Reasons range from just simply adoring children, to wanting to continue and secure the bloodline or family name. (Which is ONE reason many women do not change their name, and why it can be seen as sexist for the woman to have the change their name to their husband's surname. Basically, by changing their surname, the woman loses her individual family name, and her identity is then dependent on a man. If we're honest, kids will most likely have the father's name if the parents are not married (and still together) or the woman keeps her own name. So therefore, a woman's surname is at all times (with exceptions of course, i.e single mother families) that is given to her by a man. So maybe, if you don't like your dad, take your husband's name. I love my dad, so I'm keeping his. Although mine is now a double barreled creation of my family name and my mother's maiden name. So I belong to both clans, now that they are separating you see...)

Anyway I'm getting off topic!

I do not want children. Yes! It is that simple!
Yes, I am "only" 23, but I have thought about it a lot. My reasons for not wanting children include but are not limited to:
1. I will get fat.
2. I will get stretch marks.
3. It will ruin my body (which I do have issues with but on the whole quite like it how it is, inside and out!)
4. I don't like children (and sometimes/frequently they scare me - I have a theory, but I won't go into it...)
5. I am too selfish.
6. I don't want anyone.anything that dependent one me (that's why cats are purrfect hehe)
7. I don't want to push anything the size of a football out of my vagina,
8. I don't really want to spread my DNA. I was a horrible child. I couldn't cope if it turned out like me.

I don't see how having children will automatically complete my life. Like, really? How?! By costing me time, effort, and lots of money? Money I could spend on chocolate?
Is the result really worth it?
I don't think so.
Especially not if it has to come out of my lovely vagina, and grows up to be anything like me.

What really angers me about people, society, and friends is that they collectively say "you'll change your mind".
Why? Why would I change my mind? Oh wait, yeah, because getting married and having children is what all women want to do. It's our natural course in life. It's what we were built to do. Because we have the little baby houses inside us that they rent for 9 months.
So I am going against nature by not wanting kids.

I might be "only" 23, but I have been thinking about this for at least 10 years. And probably longer, because no doubt this sexist crap was introduced at nursery, in order for it to become subliminal or unconscious thought by the time I actually had to start thinking about it.
I remember, playing "husband and wife" under the age of 8. When my "husband" came home from "work", I had his "tea" ready for him on the table in our "house".
N.B Everything in the above sentence with quotation marks indicate pretend things. Imagine someone sarcastically bending their two fingers. That's the stuff.

People say that because I get so angry and fight so viciously to convince people that this is my choice, that that means actually I'll change my mind. "Lady doth protest too much" (no sarcastic finger bending here btw.) This "lady doth..." theory of theirs makes me think I should just shut my mouth. But why should I? Why should women who don't fit into society's norms be silenced?
If we stay quiet, the others won't know we're out there.

Unfortunately, I have come to realisation that if I tell men I don't want kids, then that must mean I don't want commitment right? Because surely, any woman who wants to get "serious" must mean get married and have kids...

I do want commitment. I want someone I can grow old with. Spar with. Enjoy life with.
That does not mean marriage and kids. And it doesn't mean a joint bank account (because you can repair a broken heart if they turn out not be trustworthy. However, you cannot get back any money they spend without your consent, no matter what it went on. Unless it was a vehicle, which you might be able get some money back on.)

I'm not saying I want to find that person NOW.
I'm just saying that when it comes down to it, we won't need to have a discussion about marriage and kids.
Or at least, it'll be a short one.