Single Rider

When I was 18, within the first fortnight of uni, I went on an SU organised trip to Alton Towers. I didn't get chatting to anyone on the bus, and I spent the day walking around on my own. In between rides, I was on the phone crying to my sister that I was a loner, a loser, that I could never make friends.

Yesterday, I went to Movie World on the Gold Coast. On my own. And I loved it. It's not that I didn't love Alton towers- I went single rider down all the big rides so I did them more than once and passed groups of other students in the lengthy queues. But I felt very alone, and I felt like I was a failure of a human being - so pathetic I had to go to theme parks on my own.

I knew I wanted to go to Movie World, and if it was to be on my own then so be it.  And I got on two rides faster because I was a single rider (no single rider queues here unfortunately). I didn't need to have anyone to go round with. I didn't need to phone my sister for a cry (although if I'd tried she'd have been asleep anyway because of the time difference). I watched the shows and took my time eating and did all the rides I wanted to do and I did some more than once.

Travelling has taught me how to talk to people more, how to start conversations, how to make friends. But it has also taught me how to be ok with my own company.

And yesterday taught me that when I become a millionaire, I'm going to own a theme park, and go there whenever I want. Because I love them and they are the best.

Get the hint...

I'm not really one for offering dating advice, because I've only been "dating" since I was 11, and 12 years isn't really that long.

But remember Neil from Addiscombe?

The other day I got a text message from him asking how I was. I ignored, and deleted, it.

And then today I got another one. And this time I replied. Here's how the conversation went:

Neil: hi Emma, wanna hang out next week?

Me: no thank you.

N: why not?

M: because I'm not interested. Thanks anyway.

N: why did you give me your number?

M: because you pushed me into taking yours, and then made me drop call you. It was 2am and I'd been drinking

N: did I push you? All I said was take my number. Then you gave me a miss call. Why aren't you interested?

M: because I have a boyfriend, like I told you, when you approached me, when I was alone at 2am. So thanks, but no thanks.

N: alright cool. Remember you said you a have obsessive bf, is that right?

M: yes. That is correct.

N: alright do you like having a obsessive bf?

M: yes.

N: I would have thought. You need some escapism, correct?

M: and that is why I work long hours. I can't see where this conversation is going, so goodbye.

N: just making a point thats all

N: you can chill round my place if you like

N: like if you wanna escape, you can chill here

N: if you change your mind. Text me.

This is copied word for word, and with any typos either of us made.

I'm not an expert at dating or love or talking to women, but I'm telling any men reading this, you should learn when to get the hint.

I may have lied about my "obsessive bf" (and does anybody EVER like having an obsessive bf? I know I don't, but it was the easiest lie I could come up with at the time) but if I did have a real boyfriend, why is he still trying it on? I haven't got the best track record but is that not sacred? What kind of man approaches a young woman on a dark street at 2am, and despite being told she has a boyfriend, continue to try it on with her?

Should I admire the fact that he tried? 

Should I have said to him that I only took his number to get rid of him? Because I was worried about that if I continued to say no he'd get aggressive? 

What would he have been like if I had said I was single but not interested?

Maybe I should have just said I was a lesbian? But then he'd probably say I wouldn't be gay after a night with him.

But now I'm making assumptions.

But seriously, 4 texts after I said goodbye.


*UPDATE 7.9.12* He text me again during the night, about 1am.
N: would you come and see me for one night?

I have not replied. I'm kind of hoping he just goes away eventually...

Diary entries

My diaries, in the last few years, have massive gaps in them. I write quick, snatched, bits and pieces about what's going on in my life, and often don't try to catch up my diary on what's been going on. Why would I? The only person who'll read it is me, right?

I sat to try and get some thoughts and feelings onto paper in my diary today. I spent a lot of time working through what I was thinking in order to see if I could have any epiphanies or revelations as I was writing.

I am currently house sitting for a friend of my mother's. This woman, used to be my idol - single woman with a great career, living in a beautiful home with 2 cats for company.
And then she met a man, and is getting married this autumn.
And he has 3 kids.

I don't want to get married. I don't see the appeal in legally binding yourself to someone, or having to have an actual wedding day, with all it's pomp and overpriced accessories. Or taking someone else's name... (although I have to concede that some people would want to do that. Even though it SYMBOLISES BECOMING SOMEONE ELSE'S PROPERTY. *ahem* sorry. Just my anti-marriage tourettes.)

I have thought about marriage a lot. The decision that I do not want to get married is not something I have come to lightly. If I'm honest, my own parents recent separation and impending divorce is something that strengthened my resolve that marriage is not for me. Yes, I know my marriage wouldn't be the same as their marriage. The point is, their marriage is 1 in 3 marriages you will aware of that will end in divorce. If you take the marriages of my father and his 2 brothers, he is the 1 in 3. But if you look at my grandparents and their children ( my mother and uncle, who are both going through divorces) my grandparents marriage survival is 1 in 3, so 2 out of those 3 marriages have collapsed.

Anyway, the same decision making applies to the subject of children - I have considered very seriously the implications of having children.

I sort of understand why people have kids. Reasons range from just simply adoring children, to wanting to continue and secure the bloodline or family name. (Which is ONE reason many women do not change their name, and why it can be seen as sexist for the woman to have the change their name to their husband's surname. Basically, by changing their surname, the woman loses her individual family name, and her identity is then dependent on a man. If we're honest, kids will most likely have the father's name if the parents are not married (and still together) or the woman keeps her own name. So therefore, a woman's surname is at all times (with exceptions of course, i.e single mother families) that is given to her by a man. So maybe, if you don't like your dad, take your husband's name. I love my dad, so I'm keeping his. Although mine is now a double barreled creation of my family name and my mother's maiden name. So I belong to both clans, now that they are separating you see...)

Anyway I'm getting off topic!

I do not want children. Yes! It is that simple!
Yes, I am "only" 23, but I have thought about it a lot. My reasons for not wanting children include but are not limited to:
1. I will get fat.
2. I will get stretch marks.
3. It will ruin my body (which I do have issues with but on the whole quite like it how it is, inside and out!)
4. I don't like children (and sometimes/frequently they scare me - I have a theory, but I won't go into it...)
5. I am too selfish.
6. I don't want anyone.anything that dependent one me (that's why cats are purrfect hehe)
7. I don't want to push anything the size of a football out of my vagina,
8. I don't really want to spread my DNA. I was a horrible child. I couldn't cope if it turned out like me.

I don't see how having children will automatically complete my life. Like, really? How?! By costing me time, effort, and lots of money? Money I could spend on chocolate?
Is the result really worth it?
I don't think so.
Especially not if it has to come out of my lovely vagina, and grows up to be anything like me.

What really angers me about people, society, and friends is that they collectively say "you'll change your mind".
Why? Why would I change my mind? Oh wait, yeah, because getting married and having children is what all women want to do. It's our natural course in life. It's what we were built to do. Because we have the little baby houses inside us that they rent for 9 months.
So I am going against nature by not wanting kids.

I might be "only" 23, but I have been thinking about this for at least 10 years. And probably longer, because no doubt this sexist crap was introduced at nursery, in order for it to become subliminal or unconscious thought by the time I actually had to start thinking about it.
I remember, playing "husband and wife" under the age of 8. When my "husband" came home from "work", I had his "tea" ready for him on the table in our "house".
N.B Everything in the above sentence with quotation marks indicate pretend things. Imagine someone sarcastically bending their two fingers. That's the stuff.

People say that because I get so angry and fight so viciously to convince people that this is my choice, that that means actually I'll change my mind. "Lady doth protest too much" (no sarcastic finger bending here btw.) This "lady doth..." theory of theirs makes me think I should just shut my mouth. But why should I? Why should women who don't fit into society's norms be silenced?
If we stay quiet, the others won't know we're out there.

Unfortunately, I have come to realisation that if I tell men I don't want kids, then that must mean I don't want commitment right? Because surely, any woman who wants to get "serious" must mean get married and have kids...

I do want commitment. I want someone I can grow old with. Spar with. Enjoy life with.
That does not mean marriage and kids. And it doesn't mean a joint bank account (because you can repair a broken heart if they turn out not be trustworthy. However, you cannot get back any money they spend without your consent, no matter what it went on. Unless it was a vehicle, which you might be able get some money back on.)

I'm not saying I want to find that person NOW.
I'm just saying that when it comes down to it, we won't need to have a discussion about marriage and kids.
Or at least, it'll be a short one.

It's damn hard just to EXIST

I am having a huge amount of trouble with my self image at the moment. I am not wearing foundation but I am still worrying about my outfits. I took my toenail polish off for the first time in years last night. And I mean years. Well, okay, I have taken it it off before, but only in order to repaint. This time I took it off with no urge to repaint as soon as I had done.  But are things like, cutting and filing your nails, is that anti-feminist?

That is my problem. I feel like if I worry about my self-image, and my looks, then I am being anti-feminist.

I have been reading and learning for the last few weeks on lookism, and beauty and feminism, and I am under the impression that a woman should get where she wants to go without it being because of her looks. But does that mean she can't use her looks to help her get what she wants? If she is promoted simply because she is pretty, then surely she will go nowhere fast? But what if she is intelligent and makes no effort with her appearance? Will she even get promoted in the first place?

The more I research lookism, the more I realise how much rests on your appearance that shouldn't do, and the damage done by judging people. I've had bad self esteem for as long as I can remember. I still judge myself against other people. And I still judge other people. I am such a hypocrite in this respect. But I find myself simply commenting to myself on how someone looks. I saw today a woman standing on her phone at a tube station entrance, and she watched with a scowl as a girl in front of me walked past her. This girl in front of me was putting on a coat and hiking up her skinny jeans. Wasn't being mean, or giving her an evil look first. But this woman clearly didn't like the look of her.  "Don't like the look of". That's being lookist. Yes I suppose it is acceptable when you see a creepy man hanging about a bar, a dodgy mafia person who looks like he might shake you down - these are all stereotypes though and not strictly the truth so maybe it is not acceptable to think this.
"I don't like the look of this" judges a situation on your perception of it. And it is just as acceptable in today's society to judge a person on your perception of them.  So, should I make an effort to look good in the workplace?  Suppose all workplaces have a certain dress code (ours is Smart-Casual unless the bosses are seeing the big man, then it's Smart. Because he would look down on them if they didn't dress up to scratch.) We all judge people on what they wear. Is that lookist? Or is lookism when we judge people on their body type (there's fattist but not thinist) and their facial characteristics. Things they can't help. Or could help if they went to extreme measures (yes, an overweight or obese person could restrict their diet. But some people do just have naturally curvy physiques.) This puts lookism in the same '-ist' category as ageist, sexist or racist. But can you draw parallels with lookism and racism?!  So here is my feminist dilemma (because lookism is a hugely feminist issue, for the obvious reason that women are judged for their looks FAR more than men): should I paint my nails, or is that anti feminist? Should I straighten my hair, or is that anti feminist? Should I wear more war paint aka make up, or is that anti feminist? Am I betraying my sex by wearing foundation/a skirt/high heels/straight hair? Or are these just ways to empower myself? I am reading the book Beauty Bias for work by a woman quoted in this article about make up.  I think it might just come down to personal preference. I don't want to wear foundation at the moment, but I wouldn't be adverse to wearing it again in the future. I hate high heels, even if I "should" wear them because I'm short. Skirts are okay. I prefer to have straight hair, though it's a major hassle to do, but easier to deal with when it's done. And I don't much like my natural hair.
Bloody society, for making it so damn hard just to EXIST.

Things I've seen lately

This article about Kristen Stewart wearing trainers at a premiere. If an older actress had done it, they'd probably be vilified her. 

Also, this article about a girl who lost loads of weight. " "I feel beautiful" she is finally able to say". Hmph. Not sure how I feel about that.

And finally, this article about single women. This is how I imagined my life would be before I met my current boyfriend. This is how my life will be if something were to happen that meant the loss of my current boyfriend. I do love him, but I envy their lives. Although I can't help but notice there's a tinge of mockery in this article. Perhaps because that is the way The Daily Mail writes, or because I expect there to be. I am probably (or probably not) just reading too much into it.

(Sorry for them all being The Daily Mail. For some reason they report on EVERYTHING.)