Sunday, 27 April 2014

Life As I Know It



Has changed. Is different from before. Involves new people. Involves new places.

But I'm going home. In 3 and a half weeks, I will be flying back to England and I will have been away for a grand total of 195 days.

I'm not sure I'm ready to go, but I'm going.
Whilst I didn't make it to the 365 days my visa allowed me, it's been almost enough. I didn't get to Canberra, or to WA, but I did go to Perth when I was 11. And I can come back.

There's a part of me that still feels like I've given up. I know I didn't try hard enough to find work, but when the main TV work agency informs you that the person who got the job you applied for that would be below what you're qualified to do at home has even more experience and is the level above you, then you just don't fit.

I came here determined to work. I came here convinced I was fed up with the life I had at home: I wanted a new one.

But you can't find a life. Life is what you make it. I'm going home, and even if home is the same as when I left it, I will have changed.

And I am ready for the next stage. I am ready for amazing things to happen to me. And I am also ready to make them happen.

Have you heard the news, everyone's talking
Life is good 'cause everything is awesome!

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Single Rider

When I was 18, within the first fortnight of uni, I went on an SU organised trip to Alton Towers. I didn't get chatting to anyone on the bus, and I spent the day walking around on my own. In between rides, I was on the phone crying to my sister that I was a loner, a loser, that I could never make friends.

Yesterday, I went to Movie World on the Gold Coast. On my own. And I loved it. It's not that I didn't love Alton towers- I went single rider down all the big rides so I did them more than once and passed groups of other students in the lengthy queues. But I felt very alone, and I felt like I was a failure of a human being - so pathetic I had to go to theme parks on my own.

I knew I wanted to go to Movie World, and if it was to be on my own then so be it.  And I got on two rides faster because I was a single rider (no single rider queues here unfortunately). I didn't need to have anyone to go round with. I didn't need to phone my sister for a cry (although if I'd tried she'd have been asleep anyway because of the time difference). I watched the shows and took my time eating and did all the rides I wanted to do and I did some more than once.

Travelling has taught me how to talk to people more, how to start conversations, how to make friends. But it has also taught me how to be ok with my own company.

And yesterday taught me that when I become a millionaire, I'm going to own a theme park, and go there whenever I want. Because I love them and they are the best.

Thursday, 6 February 2014

Looking for Inspiration, Still Searching for Illumination

Today is the 37th day of 2014. Today I finished yet another book on my 'List of Books to read' which is one of my New Yera's Resolutions.

The original list was:

    - Better than Fiction (collection of short stories, already started on iPhone)
    - Heart of Darkness (on iPhone)
    - Villette  (on iPhone)
    - On the Origin of the Species  (on iPhone)
    - Around the World in Eighty Days  (on iPhone)
    - White Men'll Never Do It (already started, paperback)
    - Bewitched & Bedevilled  (on iPhone)


I added to that list Kangaroo and Lady Chatterley's Lover, both by DH Lawrence, and have now read all of these books except one - On the Origin of the Species. I started it today, and I freely tell you now - I am going to struggle with this one. 

I have added to this resolution the following books that I already have downloaded onto my iPhone:
 - Grimms Fairy Stories
 - Treasure Island
 - Robinson Crusoe

I also have a book of Aboriginal Dreaming stories to read, and I'm really looking forward to it!


Today I also went some way to achieving another of my New Year's Resolutions. I went for a run, and in going for a run, I ran for 5k. I walked the first half-k, but after that, full on running. Well, yknow, jogging-running. and resolution no.5 is "5. Improve my health by exercising and healthy eating so that by the year's conclusion I am able to: -Run 5k..."

Well the healthy eating isn't really happening (I've just spooned the last drops from a jar of Nutella into my mouth), but the exercising is. It's hard to practice sit ups and push ups in a cramped dorm, but I plan to get over my self-consciousness and start doing them in the park. The same goes for Yoga. I was surprisingly flexible when I practised last night. Still not at the floor though. The resolution says by the end of the year. So I just need to keep practising! 


Just one more thing to note: I came to Australia to fall in love with the country, to work, and to maybe start a new life. I quite like the country, I've had a bit of work, but there's no life for me here. 
I am not ashamed to say that I misjudged this, that I miss home, that I miss the life I had. That I miss my mum, my dad, my sister, my nan, my grandad, my cat, my friends. That I miss my bed, and my things. That I don't miss the cold but I do miss cuddling up in my slanket in front of the Xbox. That I don't miss my bath and not having a shower but I do miss putting my shower gel and shampoo on the side of the tub and being able to leave it there. And I miss my mahusive bath towels. 
I am not ashamed that I thought I could come out here and work. I might not have tried my hardest, but when you sign up to a freelance database and all the runner jobs are going to Location Assistants and APs, you realise that maybe there just isn't the work for the inbetweener. I'm not far enough up the ladder. For a woman so focused on her career, having had nothing and no one else that truly mattered, this was really hard to come to terms with. But the blow was softened by enjoying the travels. Falling in love with new places, meeting new people, learning new ways of doing things, a new language (schooner! pot! doona! dunny! G'day! Arvo! How you going?!)

And for a woman who doesn't want to get married or have kids, I sure have realised how important my family is to me. 






Saturday, 25 January 2014

Being a Brit in Sydney on Australia Day

.So here I stand. On the shores where the First Fleet landed on January 26th 1788 and planted a Union Jack in the soil and claimed Australia as their own. The British government needed somewhere to ship their convicts, wanted a military outpost, and when Captain Cook discovered the east coast of "the great southern land", "terra nullius" was declared and so the invasion began.

"Terra nullius" means "land belonging to no one". Now there is no debate - this land belonged to someone. This great Southern land belonged to it's Aboriginal inhabitants. And the Cadigal people that lived where modern day Sydney stands suddenly found themselves sharing their home with white men.

Governor Arthur Phillip kidnapped Aboriginal men to try and communicate with the community, learning their language, teaching them English so that they might get on. Initially, the British tried to foster positive relations with the Aboriginals. But how positive can relations ever be with a community of people that suddenly had the land they'd lived on for 40,000 (or more) years, that they believe they are part of, taken from them and changed beyond recognition within just a matter of months?

3 years after the First Fleet arrived, the majority of the Cadigal people had died, from smallpox mostly. A death toll only added to over the next 200 years.

This morning I excitedly got out the Australian flag my great uncle had bought me. I put a temporary tattoo of the flag on my arm, and I went out excited to see the city on the biggest day of the year. To see the day when Australians celebrate their country, their traditions, their democratic society in a free land.

And then I read this http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jan/26/australia-day-is-a-time-for-mourning-not-celebration. And my naivety disappeared and disgust at my own ignorance emerged.

But it's a big day for everybody except this land's original inhabitants. It's a big day for white Australia, and for other non-white Australian citizens and residents whose families have emigrated here, like my great uncle and aunt. But how can we all, in good conscience, celebrate this day in the knowledge of what the coming of white British settlers meant for the Indigenous people? The years of continued systematic oppression. The denial of rights. Generally speaking, the goddamn racism.

So in good faith I wanted to see Sydney celebrate. And instead I was confronted with the truth that no matter what the event was - a Ferrython, a Tinny muster, a concert, a market, a BBQ - this is not a day of celebration. Not for Aboriginal people. And not for anyone that stands with them. Which should be every Australian, and every other person that believes in justice and equality.

Monday, 20 January 2014

One down?

So technically yesterday I completed one of my New Years Resolutions. I completed number 3, "Write something creative which isn't a blog."
Yesterday I published a poem on my other blog. So, I've completed one of my resolutions, right?

Well. According to one of my friends, resolutions can be changed. I hate the idea of changing what is essentially a promise to myself, but if I'm changing it for the better... 

So that resolution, "Write something creative that isn't a blog - like a couple of chapters of a book, a poem or a short film script" what if I changed the or to an and? What if my resolution was to write a poem AND a couple of chapters of a book AND a short film script? I have 12 months, after all... 

Gender unequals

You know what makes me mad? 
Sexism.  
The looks, the tone, the language 
Of sexism. 

And in case you didn't know what sexism looks like, let me show you.  
Because oh shit there it is, right behind you!  
Sometimes it comes from between your lips.  
And whether you meant it as a joke or not,
The root of gender inequality lies between my hips. 

Movember- woo! Armpits for August - boo! 
Women aren't meant to have hair under their arms or stretched over their calves, didn't you know? It doesn't grow because it's meant to be there... So make it go.
"I don`t care how much money it raises, no woman should have hair below their bottom set of eye lashe`s. Fact!" 
Thank you, Daily Mail Online commenter. I knew I could count on your support. 

Wage gap, wage gap, gaps in pay. 
Not paid the same for being Rebecca and not Ray.  

Maternity pay - acceptable, conditionally. 
Paternity leave - inexcusable, start acting traditionally. 

The phrase "having it all" and hearing women can't, don't.
And knowing that men can, do. 

That bloody glass ceiling that still exists. 
We can see it because our nails, short and long, polished and plain, scratch at it every day.  
We can see it because our hands, grubby with sweat from work, working out, cleaning the house, cleaning up the kids, those grubby hands leave marks there to stay. 
We can see our reflections in it. Our bruised and battered reflections as we push and push and push and puuuuush.  

Gender inequality is hearing the phrases "don't be such a girl", "man up", "grow some balls". 
Because god forbid you should in any way act like less than a man, like a female. 
Wait, how does a female act anyway?

Do proper women cover up? 
Do real women have curves? 
Do all women have some deep down desire to fill their womb and go through an average of 12 hours of pain to birth another human being? 

If you cover up - good for you! If you have curves - good for you! If you have a child, or multiple children - I stand up and applaud you because I think it's the stupidest yet bravest action a woman could do. 
Actually, bungee jumping also requires bravery. So does joining the army. 
So does crossing the street in Thailand apparently. 
So giving birth is simply a fantastic thing to do, well done, but it's not the BE ALL and END ALL of a woman's abilities.

Gender inequality is reading about a Texan hospital keeping a brain-dead woman alive because she's pregnant and they won't turn off life support because Texan law requires the doctors to save the baby. A brain-dead woman, who was administered drugs and electric shocks to try and get her to live, who cannot be an active part in the life of a baby who has probably suffered because of the aforementioned medical practices used to try and save the mother, is still hooked up to a machine DESPITE her family asking doctors to turn off life support.




 A woman is a human being, not an incubator. Do you need proof?


Here is a picture of a woman.   

 


Here is a picture of an incubator.
borrowed from aboutraisingchickens101.com
Well, look at that. They're different. Who'd've thunk it...

Gender inequality is Marion Bertolli winning Wimbledon and being berated for being "ugly". 
(Beauty, beholder, you fill on the words.) 
When does a woman's face stop her playing professional tennis to a championship winning standard?
IT DOESN'T YOU MORONS. 

It's seeing the headline that 3 in 4 girls have low self-esteem, and 7 out of 10 over the age of 13 have suffered sexual harassment at school or college.

It's a woman protesting to not have women wiped off the face of British currency. And then succeeding. And THEN getting days, weeks, months of abuse and hate online. It's other women sticking up for her and getting the same sort of abuse. And bomb threats. Actual fucking bomb threats.

It's a man shouting boo at a woman at an ATM and then repeatedly trying to hold her hand as she walks in the same direction at them, at the same pace. And you laugh it off as them being friendly, if not slightly annoying. But my hand. Why did he want to hold my hand? Why did he feel he could touch me at all? 

It's a 17 year old boy shouting "slut" at you because you don't fancy him. Does he even know the definition of "slut" according to a dictionary? Because surely not fancying any random boy off the street makes you the opposite of the definition of a slut. Surely a more accurate thing he should have shouted was "well I don't fancy you either." 

It's your hostel room mates asking if you want to see them naked. And you laugh it off and say no thanks but then the next day when they wolf whistle at you when you return to the room from a shower you tell them if they do that again you'll take their testicles off. 
And it's them saying "it's just a joke. Don't take it like that."

Why are woman always the butt of the joke? 
Why these three things in three days?

It's an old man touching you up in a Lidl's car park. 
It's a guy you thought was your friend, that you trusted, giving you a black eye and sexually assaulting you because he wants you so bad and you don't want him back.
It's the destruction of your trust in men. You know not all men are like that, not all men would do that. You know it somewhere.

It's hearing that all the stories on Everyday Sexism project couldn't possibly all be true. Some of them must be made up. That one hurts much more because you've contributed to it. Twice. And you have so many more stories that could go on it.

It's reading Project Unbreakable. http://projectunbreakable.tumblr.com/ 

It's hearing that men can't be raped. 
That a woman was asking for it because of what she was wearing, or some other bullshit excuse. How can we stop rape? Get women not to walk down dark alleys at night. Get women to cover up, and not go out drinking. Get women to carry mace or pepper spray, or even their house keys in their hand when they walk home, walk anywhere, just in case.
No. We stop rape by teaching that rape is wrong. Rape is caused by rapists. End of. So shut up.

It's getting this bullshit day in, day out, and feeling weary and worn out from having to constantly defend yourself, justify yourself. It's all so exhausting.

And if you think I'm not acting very ladylike by being so, so, so beside myself with anger, then ask yourself this: why are you forcing your ideals of what a woman should be on me? Where did you get them from? Was it your parents? Your friends? School? The media? 

All of the above.


Gender inequality is men and women being given ideals of themselves in terms of appearance, personality traits, and skills. It's being told there are roles for men and there are roles for women. 
Why are there not roles for people

I'm done with this shit. It has to end. 


Just because it's the status quo
Doesn't mean it should be so.

Friday, 10 January 2014

Free Entry

Less than two weeks into 2014, and I have completed my first New Year's resolution. On Thursday I climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge. It cost my over $300 because I booked it 3 days before, but it was worth every penny cent. 

I have also read (or technically finished reading) two of the books on my list of books to read this year: Better than Fiction, and Because A White Man'll Never Do It. Of these, Better than Fiction was a free download from a Starbucks iTunes code. And as I write this, I'm standing in a queue to a free bouncy castle in Hyde Park in the city of Sydney. Not a bouncy castle, but a bouncy Stonehenge.

For 2 weeks leading up to Australia Day, Sydney is having a festival. A festival of music, theatre, performance art, magic. And in Festival Village, the home of it all, sits Sacrilege. You might remember it from the greatest games of all time, in 2012.  A massive, inflatable, bouncy Stonehenge. And as the evening sun peaks through the clouds, it looks incredible. And the bouncers look like they are having so much fun.

I'm in the queue as I type this on my phone. I need the loo, and no doubt this is going to impact on my bounce -ability, but you could not stop me if you tried. I am almost in tears from the sheer enormity of what I'm about to do. 

Ha. The sheer enormity. Am I talking about the inflatable wonder of the world or the decision I've come to about moving on? It feels like both. 
My plan is now Melbourne for February, Adelaide for March, before back to Sydney briefly before my adventures with my mother to Uluru and the Whitsundays. And then into the unknown again. The sheer enormity of the unknown. 

Without trying to sound pious, I am already changed from the person I was when I left England. There is something so liberating about travelling. Apart from the actual, real, financial implications, it's like getting free entry into new worlds. And it is so freaking awesome.