40 Days and 40 Nights

[Trigger warning] self-harm 

Tomorrow, my countdown to Australia hits 40 days.
40 days.

Erm, how did that happen? I do not feel like I will be stepping on a plane in 40 days and heading off to the other side of the world.

I mean, that's only a month and a half. No, it's less! It's less than a month and a half! Unless that month is February. But that month is not February! 

I don't even feel remotely ready. So many things to do, so little time. When I keep getting days of nausea, and my head is bad or good or great or worse depending on the day, I wonder if I'm going to be ready. If I'm going to be okay. 

My biggest fear is that I won't cope. Won't cope being away from family, from friends, trying to get work, adjusting to customs, and the heat. And I haven't in the past been well known for my coping skills. 

In fact, I have a history of engaging in destructive behaviour as a way of coping. Selfish behaviour that I would say I will never fully exorcise from who I am today, or who I will become. 

Because the way I used to "cope" was with self-harm.

The reason I'm mulling over this in particular today is because I caught a glance at my arm. And the scars there are minimal, despite everything I inflicted on them. But the light caught them, and for a second my mind froze, and I thought to myself "ah yes, that's how I'll cope if things get bad."

No. No no no. 

I recognise that I will never get over that part of me. Not just because of the scars that remind me daily of my selfishness. But because a tiny part of me remembers the feeling of ecstasy with every cut. The bitter happiness. The feeling that I was taking control, of something, anything, at times when I felt nothing was ok. 

The cuts were my anger, directed at myself because I wanted to direct it at others and had been chastised for doing so. I still have anger management issues. I smashed a wall with my fist in Tombstone, Arizona, in an act I am so ashamed of I practically blank that night out from my memory. I was angry that I couldn't cope, that my brain wasn't processing shit properly. 

I am ashamed of my behaviour that night, and I am ashamed of all the times I harmed myself. Let me go back to the word I used above - it is selfish. And this selfishness is good and bad. It is bad because a self-harmer does not consider what effect their actions have on other people. Not until afterwards. When you are in such desperate need to hurt yourself, to numb the pain, to just cope, you are only thinking about yourself. And that is the good part. I am not advocating self-harm in anyway. I am simply saying that by taking your feelings into account, and trying to find an outlet for them, that is a good kind of selfish. But these actions you take have consequences, sometimes fatal, and always life-altering. 

It's okay to need to cope. And I can cope for the next 40 days. And the 40 days after that. And the next. I don't need that way of coping anymore. 

In my darkest times, it's comforting, like a reassuring hug. But I'm staying in the light. I'm "clean", and I'm staying that way. 

Those Walls I Built

It's very easy, when you're overwhelmed by emotion, or when you're feeling something you'd rather you didn't feel, to try and block it out. 

I'm good at steeling my heart against things, against people in particular. Acting cold towards someone is a defence mechanism, that I'm sure they can see through. But it makes me feel as though I'm dealing with it. As if it can't hurt me. I think that eventually it works its magic, and in the end I can deal with it because I've walled it up for so long. In fact, I'm undoubtedly processing those feelings and emotions constantly, and that's what gets me through it.

Whilst I am sort of fed up of feeling things for people and then having to stop myself from feeling those feelings, I guess that is life, and emotion is so important. It's vital to being empathetic to other people, to making friends; it's essential for falling in love.

The walls I try to build around my heart don't stop me crying at RSPCA adverts or the degeneration of an elderly man's - my elderly man's - mind. It didn't stop me crying when I moved house, or when my sister left, or when my mum moved away.

And sometimes it's easier said than done. Even when clothes I like the look of don't look good on me at all (I'm looking at you, blue sequin Lipsy dress) I don't automatically think "oh well it doesn't suit my body shape or my skin tone." I think "I'm fat, why are these arms even here, why doesn't it look on me like it did on the (tall, leggy, well-photographed and well-photoshopped) model?!" Sometimes reason is lost in emotion, and not even the best walls can stop you feeling crappy. 

And then, sometimes, aside from dealing with unrequited desires and not coping with rejection, the walls, and the emotion, are necessary. This morning walking to walk, I had a sense of futility and gloom. And it was confirmed when I got in and I felt overwhelmed, scared, and very alone.
But I took a moment to deal with those feelings. I felt the fear, the terror. And then I walled it up and got on with things.

But with every paper cut, with every phone call made and with the re-tying of my makeshift hairband, I was dealing with the feelings.  Those emotions, and my ability to deal with then, make me who I am. 

I just wish I was able to cope with all emotions, all the time. 
I suppose that's what the rest of my life is for.

You call it "nothing", a word to cover ignorance.

Ignorance would be bliss if it were ignorance we could be blame.


I am not very worldly. I have travelled, but never really immersed myself in another country's culture. Excluding Trek last November, I have never spent longer than 2 weeks in one country at a time. I've been to France a lot, but I barely speak the language and generally go with the prejudice that they hate vegetarians.

I don't speak any foreign language to an acceptable standard of fluency. And until recently I had never realised how little I sought out in knowledge about foreign countries, their cultures, and their history.

A couple of weeks ago I met Brian Avery, a US activist who spends a lot of time campaigning around the Israel/Palestine conflict. (His blog is here)

Before I met him, I quickly Wikipedia'd the conflict as it is one of those things I knew existed, but not why or for how long. I accepted it as part of our world, I had never questioned it before. I knew the names of the West Bank and the Gaza Strip and I've heard of Hamas as the baddies and that was it. The sum of my knowledge about what I now understand to be a complex war dating back 70 years.

I'm not going to pretend that an hour with Brian made me an expert. In fact, it made me even more confused.

I want to blame my own ignorance for not challenging my own thoughts on this. But it's a laziness to not discover more. It is a laziness that media outlets depend upon- that we will swallow their wisdom of the day on any given topic.
It's also a (terrible) way of trying to protect myself: I get so upset over the bad things in the world, I get so wound up about the killing and the hate (see this blog about my inability to cope with it). So if I seek out more knowledge of the awful things, surely I am just going to make myself more upset? There's nothing I can do about other countries problems, is there?
My ignorance would tell me there isn't. But knowledge is edging its way in. Knowledge that as an individual I can make a difference. If I understand more, then that already changes things a bit.

Australia is not a third world country (as my GP pointed out when I asked if I could get a years supply of the contraceptive pill). But that doesn't mean people don't need help. I will need to work in order to live. But I can surely find time to volunteer. It's my year, I can do what I want with it.

I have the opportunity to live in a country and get to know the people, the culture, the good and the bad. I'm not brave enough to go somewhere like Rwanda where my sister is, not yet. But I think this is a step in the right direction. A step away from ignorance.


*A big thank you to Danny Eve, whose random Doctor Who quoting on Twitter gave me the title for this blog!

Share A Coke With Friends, they said. What If You Have No Friends, I said.

Last night, I paid £9 to stand like an awkward loner for half an hour and flee the depths of Stockwell in tears. 

I am not a social butterfly. I am not good at making friends, or keeping friends. I'm not good with communication. I'm just terrible at talking to strangers and being in crowds. 

This is something I have known about myself from a young age. I remember my first Brownie session- my sister ran around getting involved in the games, as I clung to my mum crying. 

I left Brownies because I had no friends there.

I consistently see articles saying how you will live longer and alleviate depression if you have friends. So one can only assume that if you are best left to your own company then it shall be a quick descent down the depression spiral for you.

Movies and TV shows made me think I'd grow up with a huge gang of mates. Hey Arnold, Arthur, even the Rugrats. I do have friends, I love the friends I do have, but it's not what I was led to believe I would have. I suppose this is true for the portrayal of most aspects of life in TV and film. 

It's not that I'm terrible at talking to people. I talk to people for a living. But it's not the same thing. Phoning someone and being the Spanish Inquisition about their lives is a damn sight easier than walking into a room of people, none of whom you have ever seen or spoken to before and striking up conversation with the first person you happen across.

I stood there last night, clutching my drink and smiling at people, but rooted to the spot in terror. I could think of tons of things to say, a bunch of opening gambits, but my feet wouldn't carry to me to people, or my mouth just wouldn't open. 

On the tube on the way there, I got chatting to a guy. Well, actually, he started chatting me up. But I was capable of talking back. It's not like I can't talk at all. I just can't do it if I'm the first one. And I can't do it when I'm so worried that they will think I'm the desperate loner that, let's face it, I am. 

This inability to talk to strangers is worrying. Not just because in life you are often measured by your ability to talk to people and how many friends you have, but, more immediately, because I'm leaving to go to a country where I know about 3 people, and I won't be with them all the time. Will I make friends in hostels? Or am I facing a year of almost solitude?



Share a Coke with friends, they said. What if you have no friends to share it with, I said. Well then, they said, you can have all the Coca Cola goodness to yourself, as part of a healthy, active lifestyle.

Can I just ask, legit question here, who the hell shares a 500ml bottle anyway?! Doesn't anyone intending to share their coke get a 1.5 or 2litre bottle?! Or maybe it's that actually no one does share a 500ml bottle so you'll have to get to get more than one and...ah, I see what they did there. Well done, Coca Cola. Well played.

Edit: I walked past the Share a Coke truck at Westfield and people were coming away with tiny bottles! Not even a 330ml can's worth! That's a normal glass size, who the hell shares a normal glass?! 

Thoughts That Occupy A Mind Left To Silence

Cancer

Trees

Badgers

Travelling 

Things to do

Social plans

Food

Global warming

Spring/summer/autumn/winter clear outs

More things to do

Changes

Ice cream 

Chocolate

Jeans

Jewellery 

Eating disorders 

Psychiatry

Depression 

Illness

Getting old 

Memory loss

Things left to do...?

Holidays 

Adventures

Time and space

Life, past and present 

Immigrants

Emigration 

Jobs

Career paths

Perspective 

Cats, missing, alone, leaving, dead

Jealousy 

Rivalry

Bitterness

My choices 

His choices

Her choices

No choices 

The consequences

This train terminates here.

I might be a grown-up but I'm still growing up

I can be quite an excitable person. Although I do not get excited about Christmas or birthdays, I get squealy over new film or TV releases, epic wins such as same-sex marriage, and kittens. (If you don't get squealy over kittens, I suggest you have your heart examined, although the same might be said of my lack of googliness over babies.)

I'm vaguely aware that my behaviour is not always very... grown up. I have the advantage (?) of being short and I think (without any scientific evidence to back me up whatsoever) that short people are allowed to be less grown up for longer. My evidence for this is that my sister is tall and she has always been quite grown up. Usually she looks after me, even though I am the elder sister.

Growing up is not just about making it through education or work, and taking on "grown up" responsibilities like a mortgage or kids. It's about negotiating your way through friendships and relationships and just life in general, and not necessarily coming out unscathed. It's about learning how to handle successes, defeats and experiences.

For me, growing up is watching your childhood home be packed into boxes and seeing my mother prepare for a new life in another county, and not feeling bitter or abandoned but feeling proud and content to say goodbye. I never liked that house anyway; it was haunted. (I kid, I kid...)

For me, growing up is working out who to make an effort with, and when to recognise that you have drifted apart from someone that at one point would have been your everything, and to let it go. Growing up is recognising the loss, and being okay with it.

As someone still growing up, I'm still figuring out whose opinion should matter to me. Once upon a time I would have cared what everyone thought. And when you made a mistake, you thought everyone was looking, and judging you. But I suppose life is a bit like being a learner driver. When you stall in your car, you might think that everybody is staring and laughing and pointing and you feel mortified. But everybody has stalled before, both in life and in their car*. It's easy to falter in new situations, or even familiar ones. You can stall at the bottom or the top of a hill. What's important is that you get going again. Forget the people you think are paying attention to your mistake. They are probably too wrapped up in trying not to stall themselves.

I learn every day more about who I am, and who in my life I care about and whose opinions matter to me. I can respect your opinion, and yet not let it affect me. And I am still working out my opinions.

Although... if your opinion is that women shouldn't be in power/flying planes/doing anything except getting their tits out, cleaning the kitchen and making you a sammich, then I will declare your opinion stupid and I do not have to listen to it.

Come back when you've got something far less sexist to say.


*this metaphor really only works for those who can drive. But the idea of stalling - essentially a false start, being unable to get the right balance of power and clutch - is applicable to everyone.

Also, here is my breaded cat, running with the sandwich/cat theme. 

Nom nom nom.

   

Late Night Walks

*Trigger warning: rape*



I just walked home from my old house to my new one.

And I walked the long way home. I walked down a residential road that dips, and is therefore longer and much more effort to use, instead of walking through the isolated alleyway that would have got me home a few minutes earlier.

I use that alleyway all the time. And I have used it when it has been dark. But for some reason, at 11pm on a balmy Friday night, I didn't think it would be safe to use.

That shiz is effed yo.

And it's not even a feminist problem, that I have been conditioned to be frightened or wary of dark alleyways in case someone leaps out and rapes me. Despite the fact that 80% of rapes are committed by someone you know, that still doesn't stop the government, police and media capitalising on the 20% and warning women off walking down dark alleyways late at night. Especially if they've been drinking. Or they are wearing any items of clothing that don't cover all their flesh.
Urgh.

But actually, there are similar tactics used to warn against or protect you from other supposedly "spontaneous" crimes. The idea that if you take out your mobile phone on the street, you're walking around with a valuable in your hand that a criminal can see and you are automatically making yourself more of a target.

To me, this. Shiz. Is. Effed.

Why are we not teaching people NOT TO MUG PEOPLE? NOT TO COMMIT CRIME?
It makes no sense to me. Yes there will probably always be crime, there are some people in the world apparently more pre-disposed to becoming criminals but surely we should take a preventative approach with the wannabe or potential criminals, and not the potential victims?

Annoyingly, when a women walks down an alleyway late at night and gets raped or sexually assaulted, there will be people that say "She should have known better". That doesn't happen when a man is raped.
It doesn't happen when a person is mugged. Or burgled.

I am NOT, I repeat NOT, comparing being raped with getting mugged. They are not comparable in my opinion, and I am not trying to trivialise these crimes. Both can and do result in trauma for the victim.
But they are both crimes. And we need to stop scaring people about being victims of crime, and start teaching people not to commit crimes.

I dream of a world where I can walk down an alleyway and not hold my keys in my hand "just in case".
But I also dream of a world without gender-based toys.
I dream of a world where growing your armpit hair is not disgusting (BECAUSE IT'S NOT DISGUSTING. JANINE I LOVE YOU BUT IT'S NOT "GROSS" IT IS COMPLETELY NATURAL. NO ONE TELLS MEN THEIR ARMPIT HAIR IS GROSS!! STOP POLICING MY HAIR PEOPLE. SOMETIMES I SHAVE, SOMETIMES I DON'T IT IS NOT YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS WHAT I DO WITH MY BODY HAIR ARRRRRRRGHHHHH).

I dream of a world where men and women and trans-people are equal and treat each other with the love and respect they deserve. I dream of a world where all races and ethnicities are equal and treat each other with the love and respect they deserve. I dream of a world with EQUAL GODDAMN PAY.

A person can make bad choices and do bad things. That does not mean their race, their religion, their gender does bad things.

Come on people. Wake the fuck up and let's start changing the world for the better.

If you need me, I'm going to be eating Nutella out of the jar and measuring my armpit hair.