Life after Prison/Sexism is alive and well

*Trigger warning: rape, sexual assault


Is it any wonder that a huge number of rape victims don't report their rape to the police? It's hard, of course, to determine how many women are raped every year because an estimated 89% of rapes go unreported. But estimates show approx 78,000 rapes happen a year - 69,000 of them being female victims, 9,000 male.

The reason for this post is because Judy Finnigan, veteran presenter, spoke on Loose Women about how Ched Evans, the former Sheffield United football player, should be allowed to go back to his job when he comes out of prison.

I hadn't heard of this case until I saw a petition floating around to stop him from going to the Sheffield. And then a friend drew my attention to Finnigan's comments. 

On Loose Women, Finnigan said: "He’s served his time. The rape – and I am not, please, by any means minimising any kind of rape – but the rape was not violent. He didn’t cause any bodily harm to the person.

“It was unpleasant, in a hotel room, I believe, and she was – she had far too much to drink. And you know, that is reprehensible, but he has been convicted and he has served his time.”

Now, I am not surprised that Judy fell into the stereotypical trap of victim blaming. I am rarely surprised by victim blaming these days. What I am heartened by is the outrage shown by viewers and people who have complained about these comments, leading to Finnigan issuing an apology.

So she apologised, which means Hooray! No more victim blaming!? No. Finnigan's apology said she didn't intend to "minimise the terrible ordeal" that the victim suffered. But minimise she did - and her comments cannot be taken back. There was no need for her to even mention the fact that the woman had been drinking (because surely everyone knows inebriation does not equal consent? No?) or the fact it was not a violent rape. There are enough individuals that are outraged by these comments to show that victim-blaming is being held up for what it is and people are being made to apologise for it. But what we need to do is reeducate society from the bottom to the top about rape, sexual assault, consent, and how to treat victims. 

Our society holds on so dearly to the idea that rapes happen in dark alleys by violent attackers, when the reality is so much closer to home. But that's why we hold onto this ridiculous notion - because the truth that as many as 97% of rapes are perpetrated by people we know is too uncomfortable. Home Office stats showed that 56% of rapes were committed by a former or current intimate partner. And victims are beaten in 9% of rapes. So Evans' rape victim is actually the norm. And what an upsetting and horrifying norm that is.

Finnigan has, however, raised a good point about ex-offenders and them being allowed to get on with their lives - should he be allowed to go back to his job as a footballer? Understandably, as a footballer he will not only be paid very handsomely (for kicking a ball around...) but he will be in the public eye - kids will look up to him as a role model. He will wear a kit that bears the logos of sponsors. Ex-offenders often find it very hard to reintegrate into life after prison, and Judy is right that he has done his time for the crime he committed. Criminals must face the very real consequences of their actions - although in the case of rape convictions the police have a 60% success rate. Not hugely encouraging. The England & Wales average for detection of rape, i.e recorded rapes that result in a charge or a caution (a CAUTION???) is a measly 18%. So the average rape victim has a less than 20% chance of having their rapist even charged with the crime, and then only a 60% chance of them being convicted.

Committing a crime - and being punished for it - will have a major impact on someone's life, and undoubtedly will have had an impact on Ched Evans. I guess the thing here is whether being punished by the law is enough. The reason why so many people are against Ched Evans picking up his football career where he left off is because it would seem as if the crime never happened – he never raped this woman, he never went to prison for it. It could be seen to negate the consequences of committing crime. The very consequences that are supposed to discourage committing crime in the first place.

Discussing that Ched Evans' sentence is being halved with my sister, she pointed out that if there are no incentives for criminals to reform, then they won't. This doesn't just mean good behaviour early releases, this means reintegration into society. Ever heard of a second chance? It's easy to judge a person on the worst thing they've ever done. I'm not advocating soft-heartedness on all criminals. In fact, I don't know what the solution is. 

All I know is I am the kind of person that believes that if people seek help, they should be given it. Apologies will never take a crime back, will never bring back a loved one, will never heal the physical or emotional scars of a crime. But we need to be focusing on building a society where people are better, so that our prisons aren't so full, as well as establishing schemes where ex-offenders can get back to their lives. We only have one life, after all.  

***

The other night, my sister & I attended a talk with Laura Bates and Caroline Criado-Perez, discussing what needs to be done to overturn the institutionalised sexism in our society. The point was raised about Emma Watson's recent appointment as a UN Goodwill Ambassador and her launch of the HeForShe campaign. The idea that feminism is unpalatable to men has long made feminist's eyes roll - as was pointed out by the speakers, the idea that we have to show that sexism is bad for men too in order to get their support is commendable, but the simple fact of the matter is that we should be asking men to support the destruction of institutionalised sexism because "they bloody well should". Women are 51% of the population. Isn't it well past time that we achieved gender equality?!

If you're a man, and you don't think sexism is a problem, then quite frankly, you are naive and culturally blind and how about doing a little bit of thinking about it? 
And if you do that thinking and you still come back and think it doesn't exist?

The government statistics on rape and sexual assault will prove you wrong.
The government statistics on equal pay will prove you wrong.
Counting Dead Women will prove you wrong.
Countless surveys on women in the workplace, women at home, women in education will prove you wrong.
The practices of sexual harassment, the consistent and overwhelming entries on Everyday Sexism project will prove you wrong.
The practice of FGM will prove you wrong. 
The only recently banned 2 finger test in India will prove you wrong.
Malala Yousafzai's story will prove you wrong.
#BringBackOurGirls will prove you wrong.
The barrister who called a 13 year old female abuse victim "predatory" will prove you wrong. 
The "she had it coming/was asking for it/shouldn't have been out that late/on her own/drinking" victim-blaming narratives prove you wrong.
The LSE Rugby club will prove you wrong. The Stirling University Hockey team will prove you wrong.
The statistics on rape and sexual assault and the lack of adequate policing and support on American campuses will prove you wrong.
The 200+ restrictions passed across states in America that make it harder for women to obtain safe, legal abortion will prove you wrong.
Anita Sarkeesian will prove you wrong.
Caroline Criado-Perez will prove you wrong.
Stella Creasy will prove you wrong.
Mary Beard, Hadley Freeman, Grace Dent, India Knight and Laurie Penny will prove you wrong.
Jennifer Lawrence will prove you wrong. She had her private photos stolen - and then when she dared to publicly name it for what it was  - a sex crime - her Wikipedia page was adorned with those very same naked selfies. The message here is silence yourself woman. 
Yes, there are idiots in the world. But ever wondered why the idiots always seem to be attacking, threatening, trolling women with sexually explicit or sexually violent comments?
The stud/slut paradox will prove you wrong.
The leader/bossy paradox will prove you wrong.
The Downing Street catwalk will prove you wrong.
Don't tell me that pink is for girls and blue is for boys.
Don't tell me to get back in the kitchen. Don't tell me to make you a sandwich. 

Don't tell me that sexism doesn't exist. Because it's 2014 and it does and it bloody well shouldn't.




Sources:


http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/rape-myths-9147.html  

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2014/oct/13/judy-finnigan-apologies-rape-comments-ched-evans-football

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/97907/government-stern-review.pdf

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-27726280

http://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/jan/11/male-female-rape-statistics-graphic 

Lewis puts forth "a great way to highlight how people feel about girls who are to blame for their own rape."

Massive thank you to Lewis Bishop for allowing me to republish his thoughts sent to me on Facebook during our now continual discussion around sexism, misogyny, rape culture and the general rubbishness of society.

****


Say a girl tells me she wants to fuck me. She is being incredibly seductive - kissing me, whispering in my ear, grabbing my cock, gyrating against me, the works. Say we go to a hotel room and she undresses me, then does a sexy strip as she undresses me. Then, as we're about to have sex ...
She changes her mind.
She says she doesn't want to have sex. Why? Because she actually enjoys being a tease. And that's all there is to it. The point is, I was led to believe we were going to have sex, but now she doesn't want it. 

Say I rape her.
How much of this rape is her fault?
The one and only correct answer is, of course, absolutely none.
Who thinks she asked for it? Who thinks she deserved it? Who thinks it was her fault? Who thinks the cocktease got what was coming to her?

Whoever thinks any of those things needs to seriously evaluate how they think about sexual assault. People have the right to choose who they do and do not have sex with. The circumstance does not matter. To overpower someone who does not want sex and forcibly have sex with them is just as damaging, invasive, cruel, barbaric and - most importantly - wrong to the siren I described above as a shy 10-year-old girl. 

The opinion needs re-evaluating because the emotional reaction is directed at the wrong thing entirely. The decision to rape, the urge to rape, the crime itself, the perpetration of rape, is entirely the fault of nobody other than the rapist. Sex is something consensual. Rape is not. There is no in between, no middle ground. There is no understandable or acceptable rape. To entertain the thought that rape can be a form of justice is so barbaric as to defy belief. That someone can deserve it completely admonishes the responsibility of the rapist. No matter what the circumstance, nobody should ever be allowed to believe that rape is ever the fault of the victim. 

"Yeah, obviously we don't mean they DESERVE to be raped, but they are bringing it on themselves. That woman's behaviour gave the man cause to rape her. If she had not behaved in that way, or if she had not dressed or acted seductively, she would not have given you the urge to rape her. OBVIOUSLY rape is wrong, but she made it worse for herself. It's like walking around with money sticking out of your back pocket - you're inviting the crime upon yourself, whereas if you altered your behaviour, nobody would have wanted to steal your money. The same applies to that girl you raped. You have to be realistic."

This argument is always put forward. And you know what's wrong with it? It lays the foundations that say the crime itself is acceptable because there are always people who are going to do it. It's just one of those unstoppable things. People are gonna rape! So alter your behaviour. This reinforces the idea that, on some level, this is an accepted part of society. It's just one of those things.

But what if the common response only consisted of hatred towards rapists? What if people jumped to the defence, always, of rape victims, regardless of their appearance and behaviour? What if in no way was a rape victim ever even partly to blame for their rape? In the same way that paedophilia is always reviled and hounded? What if as a society we took more care to protect women at clubs, in the street, everywhere, because rape is in no way ever acceptable or something a woman can deserve? If as a society we recognised unhealthy tendencies in other men and challenged them, and highlighted them, and warned others of them? Is it not possible that this rape culture could be improved? Is it not possible that less people would become rape victims? Is it not possible that rape victims would feel more supported, and perhaps more comfortable with regards to reporting a rape that they felt too ashamed to report? Which in turn would lead to more rapists facing justice, and thus preventing any more rapes from those individuals? Is it really impossible that taking the stance that women can NEVER be even PARTLY responsible for their OWN RAPE could be better than blaming women for wearing REVEALING CLOTHING and putting themselves at risk?!

Late Night Walks

*Trigger warning: rape*



I just walked home from my old house to my new one.

And I walked the long way home. I walked down a residential road that dips, and is therefore longer and much more effort to use, instead of walking through the isolated alleyway that would have got me home a few minutes earlier.

I use that alleyway all the time. And I have used it when it has been dark. But for some reason, at 11pm on a balmy Friday night, I didn't think it would be safe to use.

That shiz is effed yo.

And it's not even a feminist problem, that I have been conditioned to be frightened or wary of dark alleyways in case someone leaps out and rapes me. Despite the fact that 80% of rapes are committed by someone you know, that still doesn't stop the government, police and media capitalising on the 20% and warning women off walking down dark alleyways late at night. Especially if they've been drinking. Or they are wearing any items of clothing that don't cover all their flesh.
Urgh.

But actually, there are similar tactics used to warn against or protect you from other supposedly "spontaneous" crimes. The idea that if you take out your mobile phone on the street, you're walking around with a valuable in your hand that a criminal can see and you are automatically making yourself more of a target.

To me, this. Shiz. Is. Effed.

Why are we not teaching people NOT TO MUG PEOPLE? NOT TO COMMIT CRIME?
It makes no sense to me. Yes there will probably always be crime, there are some people in the world apparently more pre-disposed to becoming criminals but surely we should take a preventative approach with the wannabe or potential criminals, and not the potential victims?

Annoyingly, when a women walks down an alleyway late at night and gets raped or sexually assaulted, there will be people that say "She should have known better". That doesn't happen when a man is raped.
It doesn't happen when a person is mugged. Or burgled.

I am NOT, I repeat NOT, comparing being raped with getting mugged. They are not comparable in my opinion, and I am not trying to trivialise these crimes. Both can and do result in trauma for the victim.
But they are both crimes. And we need to stop scaring people about being victims of crime, and start teaching people not to commit crimes.

I dream of a world where I can walk down an alleyway and not hold my keys in my hand "just in case".
But I also dream of a world without gender-based toys.
I dream of a world where growing your armpit hair is not disgusting (BECAUSE IT'S NOT DISGUSTING. JANINE I LOVE YOU BUT IT'S NOT "GROSS" IT IS COMPLETELY NATURAL. NO ONE TELLS MEN THEIR ARMPIT HAIR IS GROSS!! STOP POLICING MY HAIR PEOPLE. SOMETIMES I SHAVE, SOMETIMES I DON'T IT IS NOT YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS WHAT I DO WITH MY BODY HAIR ARRRRRRRGHHHHH).

I dream of a world where men and women and trans-people are equal and treat each other with the love and respect they deserve. I dream of a world where all races and ethnicities are equal and treat each other with the love and respect they deserve. I dream of a world with EQUAL GODDAMN PAY.

A person can make bad choices and do bad things. That does not mean their race, their religion, their gender does bad things.

Come on people. Wake the fuck up and let's start changing the world for the better.

If you need me, I'm going to be eating Nutella out of the jar and measuring my armpit hair.