Lewis puts forth "a great way to highlight how people feel about girls who are to blame for their own rape."

Massive thank you to Lewis Bishop for allowing me to republish his thoughts sent to me on Facebook during our now continual discussion around sexism, misogyny, rape culture and the general rubbishness of society.

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Say a girl tells me she wants to fuck me. She is being incredibly seductive - kissing me, whispering in my ear, grabbing my cock, gyrating against me, the works. Say we go to a hotel room and she undresses me, then does a sexy strip as she undresses me. Then, as we're about to have sex ...
She changes her mind.
She says she doesn't want to have sex. Why? Because she actually enjoys being a tease. And that's all there is to it. The point is, I was led to believe we were going to have sex, but now she doesn't want it. 

Say I rape her.
How much of this rape is her fault?
The one and only correct answer is, of course, absolutely none.
Who thinks she asked for it? Who thinks she deserved it? Who thinks it was her fault? Who thinks the cocktease got what was coming to her?

Whoever thinks any of those things needs to seriously evaluate how they think about sexual assault. People have the right to choose who they do and do not have sex with. The circumstance does not matter. To overpower someone who does not want sex and forcibly have sex with them is just as damaging, invasive, cruel, barbaric and - most importantly - wrong to the siren I described above as a shy 10-year-old girl. 

The opinion needs re-evaluating because the emotional reaction is directed at the wrong thing entirely. The decision to rape, the urge to rape, the crime itself, the perpetration of rape, is entirely the fault of nobody other than the rapist. Sex is something consensual. Rape is not. There is no in between, no middle ground. There is no understandable or acceptable rape. To entertain the thought that rape can be a form of justice is so barbaric as to defy belief. That someone can deserve it completely admonishes the responsibility of the rapist. No matter what the circumstance, nobody should ever be allowed to believe that rape is ever the fault of the victim. 

"Yeah, obviously we don't mean they DESERVE to be raped, but they are bringing it on themselves. That woman's behaviour gave the man cause to rape her. If she had not behaved in that way, or if she had not dressed or acted seductively, she would not have given you the urge to rape her. OBVIOUSLY rape is wrong, but she made it worse for herself. It's like walking around with money sticking out of your back pocket - you're inviting the crime upon yourself, whereas if you altered your behaviour, nobody would have wanted to steal your money. The same applies to that girl you raped. You have to be realistic."

This argument is always put forward. And you know what's wrong with it? It lays the foundations that say the crime itself is acceptable because there are always people who are going to do it. It's just one of those unstoppable things. People are gonna rape! So alter your behaviour. This reinforces the idea that, on some level, this is an accepted part of society. It's just one of those things.

But what if the common response only consisted of hatred towards rapists? What if people jumped to the defence, always, of rape victims, regardless of their appearance and behaviour? What if in no way was a rape victim ever even partly to blame for their rape? In the same way that paedophilia is always reviled and hounded? What if as a society we took more care to protect women at clubs, in the street, everywhere, because rape is in no way ever acceptable or something a woman can deserve? If as a society we recognised unhealthy tendencies in other men and challenged them, and highlighted them, and warned others of them? Is it not possible that this rape culture could be improved? Is it not possible that less people would become rape victims? Is it not possible that rape victims would feel more supported, and perhaps more comfortable with regards to reporting a rape that they felt too ashamed to report? Which in turn would lead to more rapists facing justice, and thus preventing any more rapes from those individuals? Is it really impossible that taking the stance that women can NEVER be even PARTLY responsible for their OWN RAPE could be better than blaming women for wearing REVEALING CLOTHING and putting themselves at risk?!

A Need for Feminism

So, my friend drew my attention to this: http://dontpaniconline.com/magazine/radar/women-against-feminism

These women are apparently against feminism. Often, people say they aren't a feminist because they love men. That they like being a mother and a stay-at-home one at that. Because they love heels and make up and short skirts.
Well guess what?
The only thing you have to believe, as a base principle, is that feminism is about equality for ALL. Genders, races, abilities, sexual persuasion, age. Everyone deserves equal rights and opportunities.
It's really simple.
And it's also about having the CHOICE. The choice to work or stay at home, the choice to wear flats or heels. The choice to love men, or not love men. Deciding that actually you don't really want to be involved in men is not misandry. Misandry is being prejudiced and discriminating against men simply because they have a penis.

It's more often the case that it ISN'T feminists who are using the language that people use in this Facebook page, and it’s usually more to do with MRAs and anyone else (mostly men) who hate women having equality.  (and when I say “mostly men” I mean it is mostly men disparaging the feminist movement, I am not saying most men are disparaging feminism. Very big difference. And seriously, have you ever, ever met a woman who didn’t want to be equal to men? To be treated equally, to be paid equally? To be dictated to about whether or not they can have an education, get married, do what they want with their body? EVER? REALLY????)

I have never met a woman, or man for that matter, who truly understands the base principle of feminism that would say feminism is about building a matriarchy, making women superior, that we need to oppress men, that we demonise men and tell others that all men are potential rapists (only that women are at far more risk of rape and sexual assault than men, and we do too speak up for the male victims of rape & sexual assault).

They don’t need feminism? Fine. I’m glad they have the free speech to tell us that, because feminists won that for them. Feminists won them the ability to vote, to have access to education, healthcare. They don’t need feminism? That’s great. Tell that to the women in Saudi Arabia who still can’t vote. Or drive. Tell that to Malala who was shot in the head for campaigning for education for girls. Tell that to the girls who don’t get an education in many countries across the world. Tell that to the girls who are abandoned in China because having a girl in a 1-child policy country is not something you want. Or in India, or other countries across the world where having a baby girl goes not just uncelebrated, but is positively a bad thing. Tell that to the girls and women across Africa, and in this country, and other countries, who have been the victims of FGM not because it’s part of any religion (though that would not make it ok either) but because it’s a tradition to make sure girls and women cannot ever feel pleasure from sex. Because women enjoying sex is a bad thing. But women not giving men sex is also a bad thing.

They don’t need feminism? Ok. But let them tell that to me, who was assaulted and then blamed myself because I had so strongly internalised the victim blaming that goes and for ages believed it was my fault he tried to rape me because I should have known better than to get drunk with him. One of my closest friends.

I need feminism to give me the voice to say "It was not my fault. The blame lies squarely on his shoulders."
Feminism is empowering. Not empowering victimisation. Just plain empowering.

 

When any person who says they are a feminist speaks about anything, they are representing themselves and their own understanding of feminism. Before I learned more, I thought feminism was about women being superior to men. Now I understand that society is constructed (and was constructed by white men btw) to make women inferior to men, to make blacks Asians Hispanics and all non-white races inferior to white, to make gay inferior to straight. And these are all things feminism fights against (it has its problems – feminism as it began was founded by middle-class white women and it does still struggle to be as fully inclusive as it needs to be but I believe huge steps are being taken to recognise and work towards a wholly inclusive movement. But it’s hard to do that when you’re talking about thousands, millions of individuals across the world – we all have different things we see as priority).

Every individual will say different things, but the one underlying principle remains the same:
Equality for all.

And if anything, feminism demonises ignorance. And so it should.
 

Personally Alarming

The issue of rape alarms, pepper spray, and generally arming yourself as a woman against attack troubles me.

I have, buried in my cupboard, a personal alarm and a packet of anti-spiking drink protectors. These latter are stuck in the neck of bottles, and a straw goes through the small hole, in order to prevent someone slipping something into your drink. 

My mother bought my these, and I have no doubt that she had good intentions. She was not saying that I'm an irresponsible person who needed extra help. 
She wanted, and still wants, me to remain safe. 

But I'm not going to use them. Nor do I carry the alarm. And the reason for that is if I get attacked, just because I wasn't carrying these does not make it my fault. 

These anti-spiking devices and personal alarms can be hailed as a way to prevent assaults and rapes. 
But the only true way to prevent these things is to educate people against them. 

Surely instead of advocating arming ourselves and making sure we are protecting ourselves, we should spend more on educating people to respect one another and understand that assaulting someone, or raping someone, is not acceptable. 

But advocating women arming themselves with all manner of devices or tactics (Don't walk alone down dark alleys) we are saying that we accept these violent crimes. We become complacent about them, we think "well there's nothing we can do to stop the person doing it, so we should stop people getting into situations that could potentially leave them open to attack."

What craziness is this?! Everybody, men AND women should be able to walk down any manner of path or street, at ANY time of day, and -in case you weren't sure- wearing what they like. 

Telling women (because it is predominantly said to women) to "be careful" allows a culture of blame if that woman does not obey. 
And this blame culture does not belong. This rape culture does not belong. It has to end. 

And the end starts with you. 
If you hear someone make a rape joke, call them out. It's not funny.
If you hear someone use victim-blaming language, call them out. No one EVER deserves it or had it coming to them. 

And, hardest of all, challenge your own thinking. I've kept that alarm and those anti-spike things because I know they came from good intentions. But today I'm throwing them away.
Because even if I walk home drunk, late at night, in a skirt and high heels, the only thing I will be responsible for is trying to walk in a straight line and 
get my key in the door. And the hangover the next day.