Life after Prison/Sexism is alive and well

*Trigger warning: rape, sexual assault


Is it any wonder that a huge number of rape victims don't report their rape to the police? It's hard, of course, to determine how many women are raped every year because an estimated 89% of rapes go unreported. But estimates show approx 78,000 rapes happen a year - 69,000 of them being female victims, 9,000 male.

The reason for this post is because Judy Finnigan, veteran presenter, spoke on Loose Women about how Ched Evans, the former Sheffield United football player, should be allowed to go back to his job when he comes out of prison.

I hadn't heard of this case until I saw a petition floating around to stop him from going to the Sheffield. And then a friend drew my attention to Finnigan's comments. 

On Loose Women, Finnigan said: "He’s served his time. The rape – and I am not, please, by any means minimising any kind of rape – but the rape was not violent. He didn’t cause any bodily harm to the person.

“It was unpleasant, in a hotel room, I believe, and she was – she had far too much to drink. And you know, that is reprehensible, but he has been convicted and he has served his time.”

Now, I am not surprised that Judy fell into the stereotypical trap of victim blaming. I am rarely surprised by victim blaming these days. What I am heartened by is the outrage shown by viewers and people who have complained about these comments, leading to Finnigan issuing an apology.

So she apologised, which means Hooray! No more victim blaming!? No. Finnigan's apology said she didn't intend to "minimise the terrible ordeal" that the victim suffered. But minimise she did - and her comments cannot be taken back. There was no need for her to even mention the fact that the woman had been drinking (because surely everyone knows inebriation does not equal consent? No?) or the fact it was not a violent rape. There are enough individuals that are outraged by these comments to show that victim-blaming is being held up for what it is and people are being made to apologise for it. But what we need to do is reeducate society from the bottom to the top about rape, sexual assault, consent, and how to treat victims. 

Our society holds on so dearly to the idea that rapes happen in dark alleys by violent attackers, when the reality is so much closer to home. But that's why we hold onto this ridiculous notion - because the truth that as many as 97% of rapes are perpetrated by people we know is too uncomfortable. Home Office stats showed that 56% of rapes were committed by a former or current intimate partner. And victims are beaten in 9% of rapes. So Evans' rape victim is actually the norm. And what an upsetting and horrifying norm that is.

Finnigan has, however, raised a good point about ex-offenders and them being allowed to get on with their lives - should he be allowed to go back to his job as a footballer? Understandably, as a footballer he will not only be paid very handsomely (for kicking a ball around...) but he will be in the public eye - kids will look up to him as a role model. He will wear a kit that bears the logos of sponsors. Ex-offenders often find it very hard to reintegrate into life after prison, and Judy is right that he has done his time for the crime he committed. Criminals must face the very real consequences of their actions - although in the case of rape convictions the police have a 60% success rate. Not hugely encouraging. The England & Wales average for detection of rape, i.e recorded rapes that result in a charge or a caution (a CAUTION???) is a measly 18%. So the average rape victim has a less than 20% chance of having their rapist even charged with the crime, and then only a 60% chance of them being convicted.

Committing a crime - and being punished for it - will have a major impact on someone's life, and undoubtedly will have had an impact on Ched Evans. I guess the thing here is whether being punished by the law is enough. The reason why so many people are against Ched Evans picking up his football career where he left off is because it would seem as if the crime never happened – he never raped this woman, he never went to prison for it. It could be seen to negate the consequences of committing crime. The very consequences that are supposed to discourage committing crime in the first place.

Discussing that Ched Evans' sentence is being halved with my sister, she pointed out that if there are no incentives for criminals to reform, then they won't. This doesn't just mean good behaviour early releases, this means reintegration into society. Ever heard of a second chance? It's easy to judge a person on the worst thing they've ever done. I'm not advocating soft-heartedness on all criminals. In fact, I don't know what the solution is. 

All I know is I am the kind of person that believes that if people seek help, they should be given it. Apologies will never take a crime back, will never bring back a loved one, will never heal the physical or emotional scars of a crime. But we need to be focusing on building a society where people are better, so that our prisons aren't so full, as well as establishing schemes where ex-offenders can get back to their lives. We only have one life, after all.  

***

The other night, my sister & I attended a talk with Laura Bates and Caroline Criado-Perez, discussing what needs to be done to overturn the institutionalised sexism in our society. The point was raised about Emma Watson's recent appointment as a UN Goodwill Ambassador and her launch of the HeForShe campaign. The idea that feminism is unpalatable to men has long made feminist's eyes roll - as was pointed out by the speakers, the idea that we have to show that sexism is bad for men too in order to get their support is commendable, but the simple fact of the matter is that we should be asking men to support the destruction of institutionalised sexism because "they bloody well should". Women are 51% of the population. Isn't it well past time that we achieved gender equality?!

If you're a man, and you don't think sexism is a problem, then quite frankly, you are naive and culturally blind and how about doing a little bit of thinking about it? 
And if you do that thinking and you still come back and think it doesn't exist?

The government statistics on rape and sexual assault will prove you wrong.
The government statistics on equal pay will prove you wrong.
Counting Dead Women will prove you wrong.
Countless surveys on women in the workplace, women at home, women in education will prove you wrong.
The practices of sexual harassment, the consistent and overwhelming entries on Everyday Sexism project will prove you wrong.
The practice of FGM will prove you wrong. 
The only recently banned 2 finger test in India will prove you wrong.
Malala Yousafzai's story will prove you wrong.
#BringBackOurGirls will prove you wrong.
The barrister who called a 13 year old female abuse victim "predatory" will prove you wrong. 
The "she had it coming/was asking for it/shouldn't have been out that late/on her own/drinking" victim-blaming narratives prove you wrong.
The LSE Rugby club will prove you wrong. The Stirling University Hockey team will prove you wrong.
The statistics on rape and sexual assault and the lack of adequate policing and support on American campuses will prove you wrong.
The 200+ restrictions passed across states in America that make it harder for women to obtain safe, legal abortion will prove you wrong.
Anita Sarkeesian will prove you wrong.
Caroline Criado-Perez will prove you wrong.
Stella Creasy will prove you wrong.
Mary Beard, Hadley Freeman, Grace Dent, India Knight and Laurie Penny will prove you wrong.
Jennifer Lawrence will prove you wrong. She had her private photos stolen - and then when she dared to publicly name it for what it was  - a sex crime - her Wikipedia page was adorned with those very same naked selfies. The message here is silence yourself woman. 
Yes, there are idiots in the world. But ever wondered why the idiots always seem to be attacking, threatening, trolling women with sexually explicit or sexually violent comments?
The stud/slut paradox will prove you wrong.
The leader/bossy paradox will prove you wrong.
The Downing Street catwalk will prove you wrong.
Don't tell me that pink is for girls and blue is for boys.
Don't tell me to get back in the kitchen. Don't tell me to make you a sandwich. 

Don't tell me that sexism doesn't exist. Because it's 2014 and it does and it bloody well shouldn't.




Sources:


http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/rape-myths-9147.html  

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2014/oct/13/judy-finnigan-apologies-rape-comments-ched-evans-football

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/97907/government-stern-review.pdf

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-27726280

http://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/jan/11/male-female-rape-statistics-graphic 

Lewis puts forth "a great way to highlight how people feel about girls who are to blame for their own rape."

Massive thank you to Lewis Bishop for allowing me to republish his thoughts sent to me on Facebook during our now continual discussion around sexism, misogyny, rape culture and the general rubbishness of society.

****


Say a girl tells me she wants to fuck me. She is being incredibly seductive - kissing me, whispering in my ear, grabbing my cock, gyrating against me, the works. Say we go to a hotel room and she undresses me, then does a sexy strip as she undresses me. Then, as we're about to have sex ...
She changes her mind.
She says she doesn't want to have sex. Why? Because she actually enjoys being a tease. And that's all there is to it. The point is, I was led to believe we were going to have sex, but now she doesn't want it. 

Say I rape her.
How much of this rape is her fault?
The one and only correct answer is, of course, absolutely none.
Who thinks she asked for it? Who thinks she deserved it? Who thinks it was her fault? Who thinks the cocktease got what was coming to her?

Whoever thinks any of those things needs to seriously evaluate how they think about sexual assault. People have the right to choose who they do and do not have sex with. The circumstance does not matter. To overpower someone who does not want sex and forcibly have sex with them is just as damaging, invasive, cruel, barbaric and - most importantly - wrong to the siren I described above as a shy 10-year-old girl. 

The opinion needs re-evaluating because the emotional reaction is directed at the wrong thing entirely. The decision to rape, the urge to rape, the crime itself, the perpetration of rape, is entirely the fault of nobody other than the rapist. Sex is something consensual. Rape is not. There is no in between, no middle ground. There is no understandable or acceptable rape. To entertain the thought that rape can be a form of justice is so barbaric as to defy belief. That someone can deserve it completely admonishes the responsibility of the rapist. No matter what the circumstance, nobody should ever be allowed to believe that rape is ever the fault of the victim. 

"Yeah, obviously we don't mean they DESERVE to be raped, but they are bringing it on themselves. That woman's behaviour gave the man cause to rape her. If she had not behaved in that way, or if she had not dressed or acted seductively, she would not have given you the urge to rape her. OBVIOUSLY rape is wrong, but she made it worse for herself. It's like walking around with money sticking out of your back pocket - you're inviting the crime upon yourself, whereas if you altered your behaviour, nobody would have wanted to steal your money. The same applies to that girl you raped. You have to be realistic."

This argument is always put forward. And you know what's wrong with it? It lays the foundations that say the crime itself is acceptable because there are always people who are going to do it. It's just one of those unstoppable things. People are gonna rape! So alter your behaviour. This reinforces the idea that, on some level, this is an accepted part of society. It's just one of those things.

But what if the common response only consisted of hatred towards rapists? What if people jumped to the defence, always, of rape victims, regardless of their appearance and behaviour? What if in no way was a rape victim ever even partly to blame for their rape? In the same way that paedophilia is always reviled and hounded? What if as a society we took more care to protect women at clubs, in the street, everywhere, because rape is in no way ever acceptable or something a woman can deserve? If as a society we recognised unhealthy tendencies in other men and challenged them, and highlighted them, and warned others of them? Is it not possible that this rape culture could be improved? Is it not possible that less people would become rape victims? Is it not possible that rape victims would feel more supported, and perhaps more comfortable with regards to reporting a rape that they felt too ashamed to report? Which in turn would lead to more rapists facing justice, and thus preventing any more rapes from those individuals? Is it really impossible that taking the stance that women can NEVER be even PARTLY responsible for their OWN RAPE could be better than blaming women for wearing REVEALING CLOTHING and putting themselves at risk?!

Late Night Walks

*Trigger warning: rape*



I just walked home from my old house to my new one.

And I walked the long way home. I walked down a residential road that dips, and is therefore longer and much more effort to use, instead of walking through the isolated alleyway that would have got me home a few minutes earlier.

I use that alleyway all the time. And I have used it when it has been dark. But for some reason, at 11pm on a balmy Friday night, I didn't think it would be safe to use.

That shiz is effed yo.

And it's not even a feminist problem, that I have been conditioned to be frightened or wary of dark alleyways in case someone leaps out and rapes me. Despite the fact that 80% of rapes are committed by someone you know, that still doesn't stop the government, police and media capitalising on the 20% and warning women off walking down dark alleyways late at night. Especially if they've been drinking. Or they are wearing any items of clothing that don't cover all their flesh.
Urgh.

But actually, there are similar tactics used to warn against or protect you from other supposedly "spontaneous" crimes. The idea that if you take out your mobile phone on the street, you're walking around with a valuable in your hand that a criminal can see and you are automatically making yourself more of a target.

To me, this. Shiz. Is. Effed.

Why are we not teaching people NOT TO MUG PEOPLE? NOT TO COMMIT CRIME?
It makes no sense to me. Yes there will probably always be crime, there are some people in the world apparently more pre-disposed to becoming criminals but surely we should take a preventative approach with the wannabe or potential criminals, and not the potential victims?

Annoyingly, when a women walks down an alleyway late at night and gets raped or sexually assaulted, there will be people that say "She should have known better". That doesn't happen when a man is raped.
It doesn't happen when a person is mugged. Or burgled.

I am NOT, I repeat NOT, comparing being raped with getting mugged. They are not comparable in my opinion, and I am not trying to trivialise these crimes. Both can and do result in trauma for the victim.
But they are both crimes. And we need to stop scaring people about being victims of crime, and start teaching people not to commit crimes.

I dream of a world where I can walk down an alleyway and not hold my keys in my hand "just in case".
But I also dream of a world without gender-based toys.
I dream of a world where growing your armpit hair is not disgusting (BECAUSE IT'S NOT DISGUSTING. JANINE I LOVE YOU BUT IT'S NOT "GROSS" IT IS COMPLETELY NATURAL. NO ONE TELLS MEN THEIR ARMPIT HAIR IS GROSS!! STOP POLICING MY HAIR PEOPLE. SOMETIMES I SHAVE, SOMETIMES I DON'T IT IS NOT YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS WHAT I DO WITH MY BODY HAIR ARRRRRRRGHHHHH).

I dream of a world where men and women and trans-people are equal and treat each other with the love and respect they deserve. I dream of a world where all races and ethnicities are equal and treat each other with the love and respect they deserve. I dream of a world with EQUAL GODDAMN PAY.

A person can make bad choices and do bad things. That does not mean their race, their religion, their gender does bad things.

Come on people. Wake the fuck up and let's start changing the world for the better.

If you need me, I'm going to be eating Nutella out of the jar and measuring my armpit hair.

Personally Alarming

The issue of rape alarms, pepper spray, and generally arming yourself as a woman against attack troubles me.

I have, buried in my cupboard, a personal alarm and a packet of anti-spiking drink protectors. These latter are stuck in the neck of bottles, and a straw goes through the small hole, in order to prevent someone slipping something into your drink. 

My mother bought my these, and I have no doubt that she had good intentions. She was not saying that I'm an irresponsible person who needed extra help. 
She wanted, and still wants, me to remain safe. 

But I'm not going to use them. Nor do I carry the alarm. And the reason for that is if I get attacked, just because I wasn't carrying these does not make it my fault. 

These anti-spiking devices and personal alarms can be hailed as a way to prevent assaults and rapes. 
But the only true way to prevent these things is to educate people against them. 

Surely instead of advocating arming ourselves and making sure we are protecting ourselves, we should spend more on educating people to respect one another and understand that assaulting someone, or raping someone, is not acceptable. 

But advocating women arming themselves with all manner of devices or tactics (Don't walk alone down dark alleys) we are saying that we accept these violent crimes. We become complacent about them, we think "well there's nothing we can do to stop the person doing it, so we should stop people getting into situations that could potentially leave them open to attack."

What craziness is this?! Everybody, men AND women should be able to walk down any manner of path or street, at ANY time of day, and -in case you weren't sure- wearing what they like. 

Telling women (because it is predominantly said to women) to "be careful" allows a culture of blame if that woman does not obey. 
And this blame culture does not belong. This rape culture does not belong. It has to end. 

And the end starts with you. 
If you hear someone make a rape joke, call them out. It's not funny.
If you hear someone use victim-blaming language, call them out. No one EVER deserves it or had it coming to them. 

And, hardest of all, challenge your own thinking. I've kept that alarm and those anti-spike things because I know they came from good intentions. But today I'm throwing them away.
Because even if I walk home drunk, late at night, in a skirt and high heels, the only thing I will be responsible for is trying to walk in a straight line and 
get my key in the door. And the hangover the next day.

Page 3 and porn stars

My next blog was going to be about intimacy, and loving myself and my family. I've already written most of it.

But something was brought to my attention that I want to address, albeit in my teeny tiny, miniscule little bit of the interwebs.

And it's this, a new campaign against Page 3 of The Sun newspaper.

I never buy The Sun. If I am ever in the vicinity of one though, curiosity gets the better of me and I always, always, open the front page to read that tiny little box housing the "opinion" of today's topless model.

I am not saying, in any way, that these models do not have the ability to form their own opinions. I'm not saying they're idiots, who couldn't possibly have any insight to the economic instability of Europe, or the Lords Reform.
What I am saying is that those boxes are futile. Whether the models write them or not, the men who read the contents of that box are looking to find out this woman's name and age. They are not looking to find out whether they could have a lively debate with her (not because they are not capable of lively debate, but because that is not the purpose of Page 3).

My sister recently posted a link to this Guardian article to a friend of Facebook. The comments she got for it were quite varied. Instantly, the guy she posted it to referred to feminists as "femo-nazis" (not to be pedantic, but the popularized term is "feminazi", so if you're going to insult us and try to belittle us by comparing us to mass-murdering fascists, please spell it correctly. We would all really appreciate it.)

He also said that women got the vote because they didn't "bitch about it", but instead got on with the "important job of running the country while the men were sent off to war". Apparently, being the men for a bit proved that women were worthy of equality. Well done women!

So at the risk of simplifying what he's saying, and women's war effort, had the opportunity not presented itself for women to physically prove they were equal to men by looking after Britain while they were gone, would women not have proved they were equal? How would they have proved this? Do we need another war to prove it again? 100 years on from the Suffrage movement, if we had real, tangible equality, we wouldn't have to keep bitching* about it, would we?


Another thing we keep bitching about, is street harassment. 
Browsing Jezebel.com today, I read this article written by a porn star about street harassment.
And the first comment said "To turn around and say "don't touch me" is both hypocritical and immature considering your whole career is centered around being "touched". Having said that, it doesn't excuse what those scumbags do, but it does explain it."

This person had essentially missed the entire point of the article. This woman, whilst she did highlight some incidents at porn conventions, she was talking about the comments, the insults, the everyday experience of being a woman on the street. How many of these men targeted her because they knew she was a porn star? It's highly unlikely any of them knew that's what she did for a living. And even if they did, why should she be harassed on the street? Why should choosing a career in adult entertainment mean an open invitation to being harassed?

At times, I've enjoyed the wolf-whistles. I gleefully reported to people that when I wore what I can only describe loosely as a top that looked like this**, builders sang to me. To ME! Little old me! I was always the nerdy girl with frizzy hair at school. But I've always been slim, and suddenly I was being appreciated for that!

But the tame wolf-whistles, and the crappy renditions of "Do-wah-diddy" or whatever they sang, are the nice anecdotes. I've had people comment on my tits, I've had men shout from the car for me to talk to them, and then when I don't, call me a whore or a bitch. These men have, it appears, a feeling of entitlement. They feel like the women of the world owe them. We should be flattered they are talking to us, so we should respond. But why the hell should we? Out of politeness? In response to your oh-so-polite conversation starter of "You have an amazing rack"?
No thank you.

And it's things like Page 3 that perpetuate the availability of women, and the objectification of women, that ensures men (not ALL men) have that sense of entitlement. That sense of entitlement is something that can be found in rapists***, and it is something that desperately needs to be tackled.

Having just looked over the comments again (of which there have been 32), the last one reads: "Feminism is believing men and women are equal. Nothing wrong with that."

Exactly.




*we will only quit our "bitching", when we don't need to bitch about misogynists and inequality anymore. So get used to it, or do something to help us.

**the "top" I owned was nowhere near as modest as this. It was string, held by bits of material at the sides. In fact, the only bit of my upper half that got any modesty was my sides. Don't worry, I'm ashamed of myself too. But it was a learning curve...

***entitlement over a victim, as rape is not about sex, but about power, and feeling entitled to having sex (vaginally, anally or orally) with the victim. I am NOT, in any way at all, saying the men that read Page 3 are rapists. I am not saying all men who objectify women (which is a very high percentage (I'm not going to guess one) of men) become rapists. I am saying that things such as Page 3, and the general objectification of women on TV, in film, and most certainly in advertising, breeds a belief that women are available for mens desire and pleasure almost all of the time, and these women are so up for it, i.e. a sense of entitlement

Colour me sceptical...

I went out clubbing last night for the first time in longer than my memory goes back. My memory is pretty terrible you see.

I was half-expecting to hate it. I sit in on Saturday nights, feeling like Emma-no-mates and wish I had that huge group of mates everyone else seems to have that they go out with every weekend to drink and dance and have LOADS of fun.
I was thinking on my way there, that maybe it was just dancing I wanted to do. And if that was the case, I could just start dance lessons somewhere.
I thought I'll probably hate how loud it is. I'll hate the way the floor sticks. I'll hate the leering men and the constant smell of Red Bull.

But I didn't hate it all. Yes the music was loud at times but you get used to it. Yes the floor sticks, but when you're a bit drunk and therefore uneasy on your heels that can be useful. And it didn't smell like Red Bull.

But the men. The guys. The boys. Urgh.

It seems that in clubs, women are meat. The men have come to the market, hoping to find something they can take home straight away.
These men try it on with EVERYONE. They'll try smiling or looking seductively at all these women. They'll try and cuddle up to you on the dancefloor or at the bar. You'll notice them staring at you, salivating slightly, when all you're doing is headbanging to Nirvana.

A few weeks ago I went to a midnight performance at the Globe, and was waiting at the bus stop in London with my sister at about 3.30am. I suddenly realised a guy was standing very close to me, and when I looked up at him, he immediately began conversation. How was I? Where had I been? Did I have a good time? On and on and on. Eventually he asked for, and I gave him, my number (I am NEVER quick enough to programme in a fake number. "Just change one digit" people tell me. But I never think quick enough!) He then moved on, while I was still standing waiting for my bus, to another woman standing around and started chatting to her.
Needless to say, I never heard from him, and funnily enough, I wasn't bothered.

But this is what men seem to be like, in clubs more so than anywhere. They try their luck, if they strike out, they move on. Kind of predator-like.

The ratio in the club last night was at least 4 males to every 1 female. Women would be dancing on the dancefloor, on a raised platform, at the edge of the bar, and there would be scores of men standing around, looking awkward, possibly pretending to dance, but mostly just staring. At the women. So it's inevitable that you get stared at. But cuddled up to, and in my case last night, randomly grabbed for a photo. Errr, kind of bemusing, little bit terrifying.

And then as I walked to the taxi rank, I suddenly have a guy walking alongside me. How am I? Have I had a good night? Where did I go? Was it good? Who was I with? What is my name? Do I want to share a cab (in opposite directions mate? Are you mental?! Oh wait, you meant to yours... no thanks...) Will I meet up with him next week? (cue shambles story about jealous boyfriend...) Take my number, he goes. Then, drop call me, he says. Text me when you're home safely, he asks.
(When I didn't, he text me.)

URGH.
How can I give out the wrong number if I have to drop call him?

Neil from Addiscombe, if you're reading this - you're not my type, sorry. I don't really like men who come on to girls walking alone at 2am. I don't want to visit your flat. I'm not sorry that I lied to you about being taken. But let's be honest, I was scared of you. I wasn't going to say, "No I don't want to come to yours at any point because I don't like the look of you". Because I was ALONE. At 2AM. 
 And I have been trained to be cautious because I am female and if I'm unlucky, I'll get raped.
But at least I don't have to worry about getting pregnant, as long as it was a legitimate rape. Or maybe it wouldn't have been, because he didn't jump out the bushes, he introduced himself.

Sigh.

Another thing that has been bugging me all week:

Marriage. (yes, still...)

The other weekend, when a couple I am friends with were talking about marriage, I sort of went on a rant about how I don't believe in marriage so don't expect me to be genuine when I congratulate them on their wedding day.
I'm sitting here in my bedroom, hiding from the situation I live with everyday - the crumbled and dilapidated marriage that once belonged to my parents.
Colour me sceptical, but on your wedding day, I will say congratulations, but I won't mean it, not really. not from the bottom of my heart. I will say "I'm so happy for you both", and really what I will mean is "I'm so happy that you are happy, but I'm sad that you felt you happiness depended on getting married."
I was sceptical even before my parents decided to call it a day, by the way. It just made me less "hmmm not sure marriage is my thing...", and my made me more "Marriage is not my thing."

A few months ago now I went out with two former teachers of mine, and the random woman I was introduced to turned out to be the new wife of one of them - they'd just gotten married 2 days ago. Later it was revealed the other teacher had just made the decision to get married, after having been with his partner for 6 years.
This latter teacher described it as being the "next step". Here were two grown men making what is considered to be the ultimate commitment.

And I just don't get it. If you are committed, why get married? Despite what people say, I think society plays a huge role in this. Even if you don't feel like society is trying to get you married, it still presents you with two of options: get married or be single. There never seems to be anything in between. Everyone sees moving in with someone as the step before getting married, not the "final step", just one of the steps. These steps, where did they come from? And how can I avoid them please?



I found also, last night, that I was judging EVERYONE on what they were wearing. Men included. Some outfits were a talking point with my friends, but often I thought "I don't like what she's wearing" or "She's brave to be wearing that."
I suppose it was an improvement that I wasn't lamenting how much better everyone looked compared to myself, but criticising everyone else in my head isn't much better.
But I'll keep working at that. I realised what I was doing, and tried to stop.

Worrying about what I look like comes and goes. Worrying about being healthy enough to run away from attacked worries me, even though it shouldn't do because I shouldn't have to run away from an attacker because no one should be attacking me in the first place.
I have gotten to a point where spending time worrying about my skin or my thighs etc is pointless. It's futile. Why am I sitting here worrying about my weight, when I am probably 4 times heavier than an African child who has only eaten once this week and has no fresh water?
Why am I fussed whether my thighs are too thick for skinny jeans when there are people being trafficked?

It's hard to negotiate what matters in this life. I can't stand the way the media and society try to make me believe that material goods are important, that marriage and kids are important, that money is important.

I would like, just for one moment, to be able to work out what is important to me.
I'll start with what isn't important to me: being able to suit prints, being tall, having glossy hair, and fitting size 6 dresses.

Why I Need Feminism.

I was bored this evening, so I checked up on Feminist Frequency, to see if there was a new post. There wasn't. So I re-read some old stuff, and then found some links I hadn't looked at.

These included links to Jezebel, and also to Geek Feminism. So, about an hour ago, I wanted to go to bed I was so bored. And now somehow I've managed to read for an hour.
Now I sort of see how people waste time watching YouTube videos. It's those "Related" whatnots in the sidebars that get you...

So anyway. I have been reading, and it's got me thinking.

I am glad I live in the UK. Yes, we have our problems, like the Coalition government, and our public transport system. But at the same time, these things aren't always negative (our political system isn't completely corrupt, and our public transport is like, 96% on time most of the time...). We in the UK have these things AND more to be thankful for.
I get my contraceptive pill free from my NHS pharmacy. Lets break that down - this means that a) I am able to get the contraceptive pill, b) I get it for free, from c) the NHS. Free (or subsidised) healthcare.
Like our public transport and Coalition government, the NHS has it's problems. But it and our government make it possible for me to protect myself from pregnancy. Abortion is also legal in the UK, and whilst some politicians have made a few attempts to attack women's reproductive rights, we remain a pro-choice society.

America, on the other hand, paints a very different, bleaker, picture. The land of the free... or is it the brave, or the biggoted, or the sexist...
I've always thought America would be a great place to live. New York, for example, never sleeps right? If I fancied a chocolate bar at 3am, I could go get one.
However, if I wanted contraception, emergency or planned, that might be significantly harder to get, because some states allow pharmacists to refuse to provide contraception to women. Pharmacists have been known to tell women they don't provide contraception because it's "dangerous".
Dangerous? To who?? The moral fabric of the great nation that is America, apparently.
And it's not just America this is happening in...

Mitt Romney, the American Republican presidential candidate, also thinks contraception is dangerous. He has also chosen a VP nominee who sponsored a bill that would have changed abortion rights in America to the extent that even if your father had raped you, and you got pregnant as a result, he could then sue you if you tried to get his baby aborted. I kid you not.

I mean, how much of that makes sense to you? Because to me, none of it does. At all.

The other thing that makes no sense to me is our perpetuating rape culture. My Facebook feed directed my attention the other day to this photo, which is part of the campaign This Is Not An Invitation To Rape Me. What I seriously couldn't believe with my own eyes were people commenting on the photo to say that really women shouldn't wear such and such an outfit, or they shouldn't dance a certain way. What right do these women have to complain if they get assaulted or raped if they danced that dance that everyone knows means "come and rape me"...
This is victim blaming, and endemic in our rape culture. Today I found this defining rape culture - it's worth a read I promise.

A friend of mine said that whilst victim blaming is bad, that's what society is, nothing is really going to change (at least, I think that was the gist of what he was saying, I was fuming so much I couldn't hear well over the blood being pumped furiously through my veins at what he was saying- sorry!)
The point is that is HAS to change. Not that 'yes, it should change, but will it ever really, probably not etc etc'. That is moot. The point is that is HAS TO.

I reserve the unequivocal right to say no. At any point. Because if I do not feel safe or comfortable, if I say no and he persists, then that is an infringement on my rights. Whether or not I have already kissed said guy, whether or not I have alcohol in my system, whether or not I'm a virgin, and whether or not I am wearing a short skirt, does not change the fact that I am saying no.

It's really, really hard not to victim blame. I know because I blamed myself when I was sexually assaulted by a friend. I don't like to talk about it, because I don't want to make it a big deal - but the fact that so many other women have been sexually assaulted or raped by people who they are meant to be able to trust means that it is a big deal. The normalisation of sexual assault and rape is a big deal.
I blamed myself because I trusted him enough to let him buy me drinks, and walk me home. I blamed myself because I let him come into my house for a glass of water, and when he asked if he could stay because it was such a long walk home and he was so tired and it was so late, I said ok.
I blamed myself because even though I had a boyfriend at the time, I let him into my bed.

At no point did I ever say I was sexually attracted to him. At no point did I say I wanted to do anything other than sleep in my bed.
At no point did I say, "yes, it's okay to roughly grope my breasts and press your body up against me".
In fact, I said no, stop.
At no point did I say, "yes, it's okay to straddle me and punch me in the face 'playfully' because I'm trying to stop your unwanted sexual advances".
In fact, I told him to get off.
And then I told him to get out.

And after he pouted and took his time leaving, I still hugged him goodbye. Because I felt guilty that he had to walk all the way home. I felt bad because I must have done or said something that led him to think that he was going to "get some", when I really hadn't meant him to think that.
And when I woke up with a black eye, I remember telling my mum that it was 'play fighting'.

But it wasn't 'play fighting'. It wasn't playing at all. And it wasn't my fault. Just because I kissed him years ago that was not an invitation to assault me. Drinking alcohol that he paid for was not an invitation to assault me. Trusting him to share my bed as a friend was not an invitation to assault me.


If you ask me why I need feminism, I would say I need feminism because I am sick of being looked down upon for enjoying sex, for not wanting marriage and kids, and for being made to feel inadequate. But above all else, I need feminism because I am sick of being made to not feel safe just because I am a woman.